Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Plague of Crap...

The Plague of Crap is taking over my life. It started taking over about a week before my 30th birthday when I realized that for 30, I haven't accomplished much. I don't own anything other than my piece of junk car, I do not have a significant other, I live in a fairly crappy building and frankly, I feel down in the dumps about all of this and more. The only thing I have going for me at the moment is a very cool job that I enjoy.

So let's break it down...

My junk sucking me dry. It's a good car, it runs well, it hasn't really given me very many problems but it's getting old and needs those "old car repairs". Boots that are cracked, tires that are worn and God knows what else. I'm just not in a position to be dealing with this shit because I'm...well...I'm broke. Yea, what else is knew. But you know I am feeling the penny pinch when I am actually cooking and making things at home because I am trying to save a few bucks repair. Yea, exciting. I'd feel better if I was doing it for something fun shoes!

No significant other...this is driving me nuts. I've been single for a long time. I know how to do it, I'm fine with it but I am also bored with it. I want someone to go to live music with, festivals and fairs, to share the paper over coffee at the local shop, to cuddle with at the movies, to get dressed up, be arm candy and take the city by storm. But here I am, on a Saturday night, blogging my sob story to the world. I have been dating constantly since January and have met more duds than ever! Why can't I meet someone decent. I am cute, independant, funny, honest, loyal and an all around great person (if I do say so myself!). I am one of the last single ones in my circle of friends and it sucks the big one. I'm always a third wheel and it sucks even further that they don't have a pool of me to set me up with. I'm left to completely fend for myself. And after nine months of dating, I am still at the same place I left off. Single, alone and with no one. At 30, I'd always imagined that I'd have been married and maybe working on kid #1. Right now, I don't think I am ready for kids but I am definitely ready to settle down. Obviously that is not in the cards for me now...who knows if it ever will be. I know that I am made of strong stuff...I'm strong, stubborn, opinionated, capable, beautiful and independant. If I had to be alone, I could be but the thing is...I don't want to be. I really don't. I am tired of the dating though...but I can't seem to stop. It's like an addiction. I need to go to a "Daters Anonymous" meeting. I try and then I decide to go on another date with another dud because "well, you never know...". They are ALL duds and with each dud I go out with...I become more bitter and cynical. I really need to stop and reconnect with myself.

Crappy building...I want to move. I've wanted to move since four months into my one year lease three years ago. But again, the money issue comes into play. I am hoping that at the beginning of the new year, I can move out of the fog to a sunnier area...and cut some minutes off my morning and evening commute at the same time.

And the other stuff...I am always so busy and so tired, running from one place to the next trying to do things for myself and my parents. I spend a lot more time in my car and less time walking and I feel like I'm carrying extra pounds that will NOT come off.

I feel down, I don't feel like talking to people much, I am too busy to have the alone time I need and frankly, I am officially down in the dumps. Thank god I get to see hot firemen at work. Everything is not completely lost.

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