Thursday, July 28, 2005

Mosquitos, Heat Rash and Sunburn....Oh My!!

Hmmm....I've been putting off talking about my trip to Nicaragua because everyone I tell responds by saying "it doesn't sound like you had a good trip". In some respects, I didn't. But the overall goal was achieved and that makes it a success in my eyes...and crazy mind!

The whole purpose of the trip was to spend time with the family and see my relatives and basically have a little reunion back "home" in Nicaragua and to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of my parents. Can you believe it!? I think it's a miracle they didn't kill each other! But despite their differences, it's easy to see now how much they care and love each other. They got married in 1955 and my dad headed to America in search of the "american dream" and better opportunities. My mom stayed behind with a newborn and waited until my dad had saved enough money to bring them both back to America with him. That took about a year. Since then, they had two more kids, lived in two houses, managed to make the payments on blue collar jobs, lived through car accidents and hospitalizations and have two grandkids. There have been a lot of ups and downs over the last 50 years but they've stuck through it...and I am proud of them. They wanted to celebrate this in Nicaragua, surrounded by the original members of the wedding party at the church they got married in way back when. So details went into full spin just a mere month ahead of the anniversary. It was difficult figuring this stuff out when thousands of miles away, working like crazy, looking for a new job AND interviewing, dating very attention-needy men and trying to keep my life from falling apart all together. But you know what? It all worked out really well.

The renewal of vows was at the same church they got married 50 years ago and for the part where they actually exchanged vows again, we were moved from the main alter to the mini alter they knelt before 50 years ago. It was very heartfelt and touching to be there and experience what they had so many years ago. The love was evident. And that made the bad things about the trip so worth it. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't even be here and despite the bickering and the fighting that I would always hear growing up as a kid, it was determined that day that under it existed and that was all that mattered.

But I have to mention the bad...the mosquitos, heat rash and sunburn. Ack! Now I know why I live in foggy SF. There is no or very limited A/C and I can barely stand 75 degree weather. It was 90+ and humid in Nicaragua and I was dying and sweating everyday. Not to mention the mosquitos! OMG, they were eating me alive and ummm, did I forget to mention that I am allergic?! Yea, these bites swell up, get inflammed, itch like mad and I look like some weird pink polka dotted freak. I am not a happy camper!! Add heat rash cuz I am sweating (see 90+ and humid) and a sunburn. Luckily not a major one but seriously, I was out in the sun for like 15 minutes without any sunscreen and *ka-blam*, I'm all pink. *sigh* All a girl wants to do is tan around here!!

So...YES, there were some rocky parts about my vacation (which was almost a month ago...can we say I am behind on blogging!!?) but I had a good time, the parentals were happy, I bonded with my cousin and I left sad and wishing I still had a day or two to do the rest of the things I didn't have time for. I mean, I was even starting to get used to the heat! Can you believe it!? Me...used to heat? It's unheard of!

Thursday, July 21, 2005

It's Raining Men!

Yes, I KNOW! Yes, I remember what I said just a mere week ago. I am not THAT forgetful. But I don't know what happens here. Seriously...I've no idea.

I came back from vacation (yea, still working on that story) and decided that since I was paid through this past Wednesday, I would put my profile back up on I got bombarded!

And I am now juggling 4 guys...four! My personal limit is 3 because after that, I start getting confused and freaking out and we all know you don't want to be near me when I am freaking out. So here is the lowdown.

Guy #1 = Actually met him off another site that I am up on but not a member of. Since he included his email in his initial contact, I was able to touch base off the site. All I can say is tall, dark and totally handsome. Brazilian, new to the city, into design, loves music, plays the drums (uh-oh!), has a touch of ink, loves old cars and motorcycles, has biker persona and is a total flirt. And when I say total flirt, I mean totally brazilian, agressive and open about sex. At the end of the second date, which was last night, as I attempted to say my goodbye, he asked me if we were going to his place or my place. I told him we were going to our own places and we'll figure things out later. After only having spent a total of five hours in each other's company, he asked me if WE were spending the night at his place or my place! Hmmmm, never had that approach before!Those Brazilian boys move fast!

Guy #2 = Met him on match. He actually resurfaced from a year ago. We had gotten to the point of talking on the phone and I blew him off after it dawned to me that he lived far and I wasn't willing to drive that far to meet someone or carry on a relationship. After the amount of stalkers, freaks and smotherers I have dated over the last two years, a little forced distance doesn't seem so least for the beginning. He is another of those established, older, successful guys that are sporty, meaning into golfing, swimming, skiing and baseball. *cough* Yea, I don't do any of those! I'll watch....well...I'll watch baseball. Ferget the rest of that stuff! This should be interesting. But he makes me laugh, we talk on the phone for a bit almost everyday and he isn't stressing me out...which is nice.

Guy #3 = Another match guy. He is the declared *hottie* by my friends. And he is...a hottie...but I think Guy #1 is the ultimate hottie in my eyes. He's another latin guy with the cultural background and love of tequila. ..successful, established, etc. Why are all these guys successful and established?! It's good and all but it just points out the fact to me that I am NOT! Anyways...we've talked and hit it off and we hope to meet tomorrow.

Guy #4 = Yet another match's the only place I meet men! We have been emailing off and on for over a month and can never connect to talk on the phone or meet. Lots and lots of phone and email tag going on lately. Hopefull we'll connect soon and just schedule a time to meet.

So I am back to juggling despite my profile finally being down. I am adamant about keeping it down for a while. Yea, yea, I've heard that one before!

I mean it...I swear!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005


I've been thinking about a couple of things lately. The most popular question I get asked during "get to know you" conversations with new potentials is "what's your favorite movie?" Now I am a pretty honest sort of gal and I have to admit that my favorite movie is Dream for an Insomniac. Yea, I've never heard of it. And guys especially have NEVER heard of it since it's a chick flick. And I have to explain the story line and who the actors are, etc.

For me, the main draw is that there are loads of Sinatra and Cake songs...and I am addicted to both. It's 1/2 in black and white and 1/2 in color and Ione Skye cracks me up. She is sarcastic and cynical and she believes that the guy of her dreams is out there and she will not settle for anything less.

"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love, is a complete waste of time".

And you know what...I agree with her. Why settle for anything less? During all my dating frustrations, I remember that. I deserve it, I want it and I need it...and I will not settle for anything mediocre or lackluster just to have a "someone" in my life.

This other thought has popped into my head. Do you believe in "love at first sight"? I don't think I do. I've never fallen in love with anyone at the sight of them. It's been a slow gradual process. As I was watching Sex in the City last night on cable, Carrie asked one of the other girls (I don't watch this show usually so I don't remember) if she believed in love at first sight and she replied, "No, but I do believe in lust at first sight". YES!! I SO believe in lust at first sight. I'm totally in the throes of this at the moment. The minute you see a totally hot guys picture and you fall in lust and imagine the possibilities. It rarely ever works out but it can be fun!

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Hooking Up

OMG...did you see it?! I was at home last night...trying to watch tv, blog and look for a new job. You know, it really is harder doing all this stuff at the same time. I get easily distracted. What would normally take me 20 minutes, instead takes me like two hours. But TV is my addiction and I have to tune out the noise of the "Bimbette Sisters" somehow.

I was flipping through the channels and decided to skip my usual choice of CSI (George Eads is a hottie!) and tuned into some new reality show called "Hooking Up". Wow, too bad I don't live in New York...I could have been on live TV since that has basically been my life for the past 6+ months. It was hysterical! Some of the guys were bizarre and the girls...OMG!

Let's see what do I remember....Cynthia was having bad date after bad date...yea, been there, done that. But I have never had some 43 year old ex-British model show up 30 minutes late looking as old as dirt and surprising me because he had sent me a 15 year old picture. 15 year old picture people! Yea, it's great that you were a Fabio stud muffin 15 years ago but look as old as dirt and falsly advertised yourself. Not cool...I would have done the same thing as Cynthia. Gone to the ladies room, called a friend, begged them to call the restaurant with the excuse of an emergency and hightailed it the hell out of there! Ewww! But I do have to say I had someone send me a 10 year old picture. That person still did look relatively the same...having gracefully aged. But it's still not good...that totally rubbed me the wrong way. And then she had another date in which the guy basically told her she was "cold hearted" and asked her is "she needed some love". What?! Yea, I would have left too...I think I really did identify with this girl...maybe just a little. She WAS a bit edgy and high maintenance.

Lisa..or Jen..or Lisa. What the hell is up with this chick. You know she is smart...she's a doctor. I can understand not wanting to put a picture up considering she is a doctor and she want's some privacy but hiding the fact from guys and even more so...going by a different name is ridiculous. Her "dating" name is Jennifer but her real name is Lisa. How would you feel if you were on a date with this girl and halfway through the date she drops the "bomb" of "oh yea, I should tell you that I am really a doctor...oh and I'm really Lisa". Yea, I'd think she was a freak and hightail it out of there too. Who cares if she is smart and attractive and has a seemingly fun personality...she's a freak. Telling a guy you are a doctor and what your real first name is not going to hurt anything! I mean...seriously...with that whole approach...her clock is going to be ticking a LOT longer! cute! She's smart...seems to go for the edgy guy...Jason (I think)...too bad she is so totally into him and he seems into her, gets nervous about how well it's going and then dumps her via EMAIL and she's crushed. I've been on both sides of that...yes, I'm guilty of the dumping via email. Confrontation scares me...I'm a libra. The other two guys she went out with were nice but seemingly passive and the other, Hunt, was a "model/actor" who seemed more gay to me and what is up with guys going on dates in jeans and ratty tee shirts?! *sigh* I don't ask for a lot...a tee shirt is fine as long as it's like a nice ribbed one and not some faded, blah stretched out mess!

And let's not forget Amy...the gal living in New York from South Dakota who straight up told this guy that she is "looking for a husband". Now we know that in the long run, people are looking for a mate. The guy or gal that they hope to spend the rest of his or her life with. But to come right out and say it during an initial date. Ummm...a little crazy! I guess that's why she's on Paxil. Her words...not mine.

Tune in Thursdays at 9pm on ABC for some hysterical luaghs that I can, sadly, TOTALLY relate to!

Excuse Me?!

What did you just say to me?! Yea, I don't think so.

So the background...

I must confess that I was giving one of the guys I had previously dated a second chance. I won't say who because I don't want to get yelled at by some of my friends (you know who you are!!) by being so incredibly stupid yet hopeful. It has to do with that whole "coupling" shit. I've been brainwashed. Whatever...come up with whatever excuse you want and we'll go with that.

Anyways, after or at the same time as the V#3 distancing, this guy contacted me and I agreed to meet up again to catch up and we had a fabulous date. Lots of conversation and laughs...probably due to the 5 gallons of sangria we both drank. Gawd, I love sangria! Anyways, after much guilting on his part to see me before I left for tropical Nicaragua, I saw him play (huge hint here!) at a local cafe and we went to dinner. I was cranky for a good portion of the date since I worked 10+ hours that day with no lunch break and had to take the train to see him play. I admit I did want to see him but considering my work load, the fact that I hadn't even packed and was leaving in two days and I was basically stressed, tired and freaking out. Not ideal circumstances for me to be dating. Lesson learned...but he guilted me into it so it's his own damn fault.

Now I was hesitant in even seeing where things might go the first time around because I am picky and there are few things I will put up with. I will NOT put up with constant calling, guilting, smothering and the want or need to be with me 24/7. I have been out of a relationship for over 5 years now and have gotten pretty used to being independant, strong willed, blunt and opinionated. Because of this, I now tend to attract needy, clingy guys who want to be taken care of. Yea, I don't THINK so! Despite me being independant and all that, I would like to be taken care of but have established that I don't need a guy around to do that. But it would be nice to have a guy around for the times I have to drag a 50 pound suitcase or one of those 35 count water bottle packets from Costco up two flights of stairs. I can do it...but I'm pretty winded and tired after that! Anyways, this guy is clingy and needy and honestly, sometimes acts more like a girl than me. I am the GIRL not HIM! That really should have been the clue I listened to. *sigh*

Anyways, while on my vacation, I emailed said guy twice...the second time being the day before I left to come back home. I emailed him on Monday and I came back VERY, VERY early on Tuesday. I basically told him that I brought back a couple of things for him that I thought he would appreciate and that I would call him when I had a chance but it probably wouldn't be Tuesday...the day I got back.

I got in on Tuesday at 1230am, my dad was nice enough to wake up up at 7 in the frickin morning on the only day I got to sleep in and then at 11am...said guy called. Ummm...didn't I say that I would call him?! Why don't guys listen? I had plans with my old neighbor, Kel (hi!) and when we got back, I went grocery shopping and came back to my parent's house where I had crashed for the night. Their place is closer to the airport than mine. Anyways, said guy calls me AGAIN at 5pm and I call him back soon after. He starts in about how he's missed me and when will he see me and then tells me he'll call me back...which he does, about an hour later.

During this phone call...there was a lot of guilt tripping and frustration. He wanted to see me and I kept telling him I couldn't. Hmmm...let's see why. I JUST got back(that same day...helloww!) from a 10 day vacation out of the country...I was still at my parents and had to do errands and pay bills and basically keep two households afloat AND I hadn't even made it HOME yet!! Dude, I haven't stepped foot in my apartment, haven't slept in my own bed for days and frankly, was pretty cranky of suffering days of mosquito bites and heat rash (more details on this coming). I HAD TOLD HIM that I wouldn't be available that day...that I would call HIM and we'd figure things out then! I hate, HATE it when I am not listened to because so many people don't and if I expect anything at all, I expect that my friends (true ones at least) and the guy I am dating, listen to what I am saying and take it to heart. If I say I will call, I will and if I say I can't do something, I can't. It's pretty simple people....really....simple. Not complicated at all. SIMPLE!

So I go off on a mini rant to said guy and tell him I said in my email that I would be busy and he responds to me by saying "I can act cool too. I tell him, "you can act however you want". Have I been acting "cool"? Yes. Why? Because of all the aforementioned neediness, clinginess, constant calling, guilt tripping and basically driving me frigging nuts because starting a relationship with someone shouldn't be that hard. I had sensed it before and stupidly went in to another attempt thinking it would be different and maybe me having distanced myself before made him realize that he was being just a tad intense. Umm...obviously not!

He continues with the wanting to see me and I have to repeat that I am busy, just got in that morning, stayed at my parents, hadn't even been home yet and had errands to run still...and he says, "so THAT'S why you're being so BITCHY". *stunned silence* What?! I say, "I can't believe you just said that to me!" *more silence* and then I tell him, "I think I'd better go now". His response was, "thanks for the call" and I reminded him that "you called me". And his response to THAT was, "oh, I meant, thanks for calling me earlier." Ummm...can we say IDIOT!!

After I hung up, I was surprised that I didn't go off on him because I can't remember the time any guy has ever insinuated I was being or am a bitch. Cranky...yes. Reserved....yes. But a bitch...completely uncalled for. I packed up my stuff, loaded up the car and headed home when my phone rings again. It's him...calling to apologize. All I can say is that I don't understand why he has to see me today and that I will call him later because at this point...I'm over it. I am ticked off, insulted and don't want to get into it with him when I am driving.

I haven't called or emailed him. I think he knows that he crossed the line and if he is calling me a bitch after 4 dates and sporadic conversation over the course of the last two months, what will keep him from doing it again? From insulting me because he isn't getting his way. I may be a forgiving person but I am not stupid. I guess after some reflection, my two friends were originally right (no gloating allowed, 'k). I feel like I need closure in this situation but I cannot bring myself to contact him. To tell him that despite apologizing, I can't do it anymore. I cannot conform to what he wants and he will not allow me to We obviously want and expect different things out of a relationship. He: someone available to him 24/7. Me: someone to spend some time with, talk to once in a while but also to be able to spend nights by myself or with friends. I value myself, my independance and my values too much to compromise or lose myself to the whims of someone else.

Things of Three = Bad

Yea, so I answered my own question and I am super behind on my blog so this whole story is actually old. But you may remember that I was going out with this guy from Visalia who was V#3 and I was curious if he was actually a good guy who would stick around considering he had the same name as two other friends of mine who are totally cool, good guys. Let's just say that V#3 was a good guy to a certain extent. Meaning that at least he called me to dump me over the phone and didn't pull a complete disappearing act but did just a little. I knew that he was juggling a bunch of girls...six to be exact and that in the end he had narrowed it down to two. Me and "the other girl". After our Date #3, V#3 disappeared for a week and I knew that he was basically distancing himself from me...which I had expected but wish he could have just said what the fuck he was thinking instead of me having to come to my own conclusion and think he was a nimrod. NIMROD! Yea and that's being nice since some of my friends called him an asshole. V#3 still said he wanted to be friends but I really want to deal with that?! Yea...I don't really think so.

So I have learned that despite me juggling 3 guys at a time, I don't appreciate knowing that I am one of however many girls some guy is juggling. It's a pretty fucked up feeling and I am thankful that my match stint is coming to an 6 days to be exact.

I am tired of the jerks, stalkers, freaks, momma's boys and nimrods. Aren't there any normal guys out there? I am really starting to doubt it. But I'll get into the mix of things, keep busy and maybe I will be pleasantly surprised at some point....maybe.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

I'm Back!

Yes, I am back...finally. And I don't mean "finally" as in "damn, that was the longest trip ever and I kissed the tarmac after I landed"...more like, finally, I can get back into trying to get my life, which seems as though it's in a shambles, in some sort of order. Honestly, I feel like I have neglected myself and I don't know how to take care of myself anymore. I have been so busy putting others in boss, my parents, my siblings and even more so, these stupid fucking guys I have been dating over the past six months. Seriously, online dating takes it's toll and I feel so frazzled, vulnerable and exposed right now just because I have put myself out there in obvious high hopes and those hopes have been dashed to the ground and some annoying, gleeful kid is stomping all over them right now. Something seemingly simple (i.e. meeting cool guy I get along with who I am into and he into me) is beyond my grasp and it frustrates me. I give up! I can't take the dating and the interviewing style and conflicting personalities and the constant "talk". You know, the "as much as I think you're a cool guy/girl(depends what fucking side of the conversation I am on), I just don't feel that we are a good fit/that it will work out/that there is a romantic connection between us". Pick your ending to the sentence...either sucks some serious ass.

So I am now trying to remember what my life was like before trying to "couple". To remember what I liked to do. Remember what it was like to know what you had to do on any given pay bills. Yea, that concept has almost escaped me on many occasions as I look blankly at the calendar and try to remember what day, week or month we are in since my days run into one another and it's all one huge frustrating blur. Oh crap! It's the 30th...I gotta pay rent. Yea...can't forget to pay rent on time especialy since I am on the shit list with my landlord.

Hmmm...what else? Oh yea...knitting. You know, that thing you do with yarn and two sticks and make for yourself and people. Yea, I got two major projects to finish by the end of the year and have I even sense the answer right?! Ding, ding, ding!! The answer is a huge and resounding NO! Fuck...I gotta knit. Which may actually be a good thing since I already have the supplies and am so damn broke that I should really be a shut in for the next couple of months to at least get my budgeting back in order. *sigh*

Not to mention I have 39 continuing education credits to complete by the end of August for my insurance license at work *yawn* and seriously have to get this done sooner than later. AND do that online real estate course because that may open up more job possibilities for me in a field I do have some interest in. Not necessarily the real estate broker part but more the property management/leasing consultant/mortgage broker side of things. There are so many possibilities with this license but that means studying which also means more being a "shut-in" at home studying or sitting in a coffee shop with this book that is bigger than my ass. Umm...that means pretty big by the way. AND, yea...there's more...and I want to enroll in the legal assisting course at the local college to see if that may be my answer to a higher salary bracket. Did I meantion I was broke?! Oh yea....I did...well, I'm just reminding you!

So, yea...lots to do. Taking dating off my plate is probably a good idea but it's hard to get adjusted to when you've been a hard core dater for a long ass while. I still need to find a new job which pays more than I make now AND paint my apartment. Anyone up for a painting party?! Sangria, beer and pizza is on the house!

And most of all...keeping current on the blog! It's been almost a month. Yea, I're all ticked off too that I haven't updated it. I've been busy!

Wow, I am making myself really tired listing out all the things I need to do in a seemingly limited amount of time. Why is there always so much to do and so little time?!
But I am back...more updates to follow.