The Selfish Year

That's what I have proclaimed this year to be. Many may say that I was selfish enough this past year but in my mind, I consider 2005 to be the "lost year". Last year I spent way too much time and effort trying to get my life back on track while dating a conveyor line of losers. Ok, that's harsh. They weren't all losers...some were nice guys but they just weren't the guys for me. But despite 2005 being the lost year....all the hard work and sleepless nights and hard decisions finally came through. I found a job I love and just moved to an apartment and neighborhood that I never dreamed I could have. The sad part...or perhaps not so sad...was leaving the city. I no longer live in fog and that is probably the strangest part of everything. But deep down inside, I will always be a FogCityDweller...a city girl at heart with big city attitude. My small town coworkers seem to love the dripping sarcasm and the "get your act together" tone and I love that I am accepted for me and not this false act that I have to put on for work. The apartment is awesome! It's a mess and needs a loving touch which I haven't had the time or energy to put into the place yet but it has all the qualities I ever wanted. Of course, I would have wanted all this in the city but the rents are too high and I never would have been able to afford it. So now I get to work with firemen and live in an awesome pre-WWII apartment building two blocks from the main drag. Who couldn't be happier?!

So it took me a very long time to get this point and I am still not 100% "there". Finding a job and a place that I enjoy has been a challenge and I still need to find the man that compliments me. That seems to be the hardest thing ever! But for the time being...I need to be selfish. There are a lot of things I miss that I haven't had the time for lately. Blogging is one of them...as well as stitching, knitting, reading, watching movies and wandering aimlessly. I need to reclaim these things!

I still have the same mentality about dating. I date once in a while and if I can't make an immediate determination on attraction, I falter and falter big time. Why can't I come to the realization that it is pretty difficult to find a total stud muffin of a guy with a geek mentality? It's impossible! Give it up Valerie!! But I can't..I meet great guys that I seem to have loads in common with but in my mind...I see myself with studmuffin. Beauty is only skin deep...I know this. I get upset when guys just dish the compliments about my looks but not about my personality. So why am I a hypocrite in this area. I want to be appreciated for more than just my looks because there is more to me than that. Why can't I do the same?

And it doesn't help that when I do meet someone that I seem to get along with really well and am contemplating "giving it a chance" despite the whole attraction thing, the ex resurfaces and not in a good way. He's depressed and I am worried. And I worry for two reasons...worried because he seems so incredibly down and in the dumps and worried for the wave of emotions that takes over whenever I hear from him. I guess deep down, the feelings of love are still there. I love him...but I am not "in love" with him. We're too different and a pretty darn good sex life with him isn't enough to maintain anything. I just need to find that and more with someone else.

So as much as the new job and the new place have made me quite happy, I still need to focus on me and my likes and wants. I am not as settled or in the position that I would like to be.