Hello…my name is Valerie and I am a commitment-phobe.
And the sad truth is that I so am! I know this…I realize it…I can’t help it! I have the strongest “get out and run” reflex this side of the Mississippi. And I always have. I have no idea what my issue is! I have a very strong independent streak. I am stubborn. I am picky. I know what I want…sometimes. But when it comes to men…I freak out, get nervous and stressed out and it just becomes easier for me to leave than figure out what is making me feel the way I feel.
So I recently met a guy who is the guy in my head. I’m not sure if that makes sense. But I think everyone goes around with the image of the guy they see themselves with. I realize that in life, that doesn’t always happen. So *the guy* is tall, has dark features, has the absurdedly coveted goatee, is attractive, smart, funny and an all around good guy. So what is the problem? There isn’t really anything wrong with him at all. Not at all! And if I had to really think about why things could be a total bust…the only things that come to mind are that he isn’t as bold or aggressive as I am used to and that he lives farther than I would like. Considering that we’ve only been on four dates, that isn’t really a deal breaker. He can be shy. He can be very respectful and over analyzing what I mean by “going slow” from my match profile.
The other day, I called my dear friend to kind of get her point of view. Of course, I never come out and just say it. I ask her how she ended up meeting her husband and how things were in the beginning, etc. before I go into details of *the guy*.
She stops and asks me “So, what excuse are you coming up with now?”
Me: What do you mean?
Her: C’mon Valerie, you are such a commitment-phobe. What’s wrong with *the guy*?
Me: Start laughing hysterically in the middle of grocery store (I may be banned from TJ’s now for being a crazy person!) Well, nothing really is wrong with *the guy*. He’s nice and sweet and gives me my space and is really understanding but he isn’t very aggressive and he lives kinda far and it seems like a drag.
Her: Some people have weekend relationships and he’s just shy. Reee-lllaaaaxx! Have fun with it.
Me: Yea, yea…you’re right. What’s wrong with me? How come I always freak out? He’s a nice guy. He’s *the guy* in my head. People look at his picture and know why I’m with him. Why am I so friggin’ phobic!?
I am totally phobic. I realize this and it frustrates me. I am scared of many things. I am scared of losing my personal time. I am scared of having to answer to someone else. I am scared of letting my guard down enough to be completely taken over by someone. I am scared of giving my heart to another and having it stomped to bits. I am scared of falling in love and I am scared of someone falling in love with me. I completely and totally am scared of all of this and probably more. Do I have reason to be scared…yes…but not to the point of being this completely phobic that I am about to run away from *the guy* who fits the *hot guy with geeky qualities* that I have been looking for everywhere! I thought he didn’t exist but he does!
So I am going to take a step back, take a deep breath and RE-LAX and just see where things take me.