Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Confessions of a Commitment-Phobe

Hello…my name is Valerie and I am a commitment-phobe.

And the sad truth is that I so am! I know this…I realize it…I can’t help it! I have the strongest “get out and run” reflex this side of the Mississippi. And I always have. I have no idea what my issue is! I have a very strong independent streak. I am stubborn. I am picky. I know what I want…sometimes. But when it comes to men…I freak out, get nervous and stressed out and it just becomes easier for me to leave than figure out what is making me feel the way I feel.

So I recently met a guy who is the guy in my head. I’m not sure if that makes sense. But I think everyone goes around with the image of the guy they see themselves with. I realize that in life, that doesn’t always happen. So *the guy* is tall, has dark features, has the absurdedly coveted goatee, is attractive, smart, funny and an all around good guy. So what is the problem? There isn’t really anything wrong with him at all. Not at all! And if I had to really think about why things could be a total bust…the only things that come to mind are that he isn’t as bold or aggressive as I am used to and that he lives farther than I would like. Considering that we’ve only been on four dates, that isn’t really a deal breaker. He can be shy. He can be very respectful and over analyzing what I mean by “going slow” from my match profile.

The other day, I called my dear friend to kind of get her point of view. Of course, I never come out and just say it. I ask her how she ended up meeting her husband and how things were in the beginning, etc. before I go into details of *the guy*.

She stops and asks me “So, what excuse are you coming up with now?”

Me: What do you mean?

Her: C’mon Valerie, you are such a commitment-phobe. What’s wrong with *the guy*?

Me: Start laughing hysterically in the middle of grocery store (I may be banned from TJ’s now for being a crazy person!) Well, nothing really is wrong with *the guy*. He’s nice and sweet and gives me my space and is really understanding but he isn’t very aggressive and he lives kinda far and it seems like a drag.

Her: Some people have weekend relationships and he’s just shy. Reee-lllaaaaxx! Have fun with it.

Me: Yea, yea…you’re right. What’s wrong with me? How come I always freak out? He’s a nice guy. He’s *the guy* in my head. People look at his picture and know why I’m with him. Why am I so friggin’ phobic!?

I am totally phobic. I realize this and it frustrates me. I am scared of many things. I am scared of losing my personal time. I am scared of having to answer to someone else. I am scared of letting my guard down enough to be completely taken over by someone. I am scared of giving my heart to another and having it stomped to bits. I am scared of falling in love and I am scared of someone falling in love with me. I completely and totally am scared of all of this and probably more. Do I have reason to be scared…yes…but not to the point of being this completely phobic that I am about to run away from *the guy* who fits the *hot guy with geeky qualities* that I have been looking for everywhere! I thought he didn’t exist but he does!

So I am going to take a step back, take a deep breath and RE-LAX and just see where things take me.


AM said...

The first step in overcoming a fear is knowing what you're afraid off ... and you have a pretty good grasp on that. Sounds like you're on the right track by just relaxing and letting things take their course. But maybe some of the things that scare you are things that don't necessarily have to happen when you fall in love or when someone falls in love with you. Some things to ponder:

1) You don't have to lose all your personal time. You may not have as much of it as before, but more likely than not you'll end up wanting to spend your personal time with the one you love. But even if that happens, it's totally natural (and healthy for the relationship) to do your own things now and and then.

2) You should never feel that you *have* to answer to someone. What I have found is that if I know someone may be expecting me somewhere, I like to let them know what I'm up to as a matter of courtesy so that they either don't worry or so they could carry on with their own plans. And when that same courtesy is extended to me, I'm appreciative of it.

3) Falling in love with someone doesn't mean being taken over by them. Will you be infatuated with them? Sure, but that doesn't mean you have to be consumed by them.

4) Yeah it's scary to give your heart to someone, fearful that they will stomp on it. But if you never give your heart to someone, how will you know whether the one you're with *won't* stomp on it and will instead be the one to hold it and cherish it?

julian said...

i typed in commitmentphobe on google and your post came up, its reversed as i am a guy , but i get where you are coming from, if a girl gives me the run around it keeps me interested, if she likes me and gets a bit clingy, woah i,m outta there, its pathetic and i'm fed up with it, but its a strong sensation like "quick run get out". good luck and if you come up with some good advice , let me know