I guess I should write.
A part of me has been avoiding this...this unveiling of feelings. I hoped that my mood would change. That I would get back into my old groove of entertaining and feeling entertained. Of me being my normal high strung, sarcastic, honest yet kind and loyal self. But lately, I've just been cynical, stressed, depressed and sad. I don't see that changing anytime soon. Especially now...with birthdays (including mine) and the holidays quickly approaching and I am once again...alone. Stop! I don't want to hear about how I am not alone...and that I have my friends and my family that love me and my hobbies and my interests, etcetera and etcetera. I don't want to hear it...because most likely, the people who say comments like that are in a relationship and/or married. You're life is set and you say those things to make me feel better but secretly you're glad you don't have to deal with the dating cesspool. Your happy...yet you want to hear my stories to *live vicariously through me*. I was more than willing to entertain for my *public* before but right now, I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I can't handle it...
Knowing that I am the aspiring, or shall I say, wannabee chick lit novelist, a friend of mine gave me a chick lit book to read with the statement that parts of it reminded her of me and of another friend. Interesting...so I decided to cancel my original plans for the weekend and read the book. Frankly, I couldn't handle being social so hiding in my apartment with lots of snacks sounded incredibly appealing. I hunkered down last night and started *Something Borrowed* by Emily Giffin. To be honest, once I saw the cover, I wasn't too keen on reading the book. A huge engagement ring graced the cover and the book was based on what else...the scenes around an upcoming wedding. Considering I can't even find a guy to date for more than a month...I was more interested in reading *Marley and Me* but as always, the curiousity got the better of me. Immediately into the book, I knew I was being compared to *Rachel* and that one of our mutual friends was *Darcy*. Phrases like consummate good girl, being a glass half empty person, not having had a date or been laid in months, always making the compromise. All that is me. People say I am negative, pessimistic and glass half empty. I say I'm realistic. Seriously, people need to get their head out of the clouds. The book was good but I didn't really like realizing how much I compromise and feeling just like *Rachel*. The insecurities and frustration, the hope and dissapointment. In the end, *Rachel* did get her guy after a long series of potholes and bumps along the way. Maybe my friend wanted to tell me that it will happen for me someday. Honestly, I'm in *old maid mode*. After six years alone, I ready for a honest to goodness great relationship. The dating cesspool really is not producing anyone of quality. People think I'm too picky...I say I am not. My partner needs to be my best friend...not just anyone is a person's best friend. It's because of a connection. I need that!
Being single has really gotten me down. It's been six years. I am ready for the sharing, the cuddling, the sex, love and having someone to share my thoughts, dreams, sadness and jubilance with. And not having someone like that is slowly draining any happiness I feel.
I know that having someone isn't the end all, be all. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, an apartment I love and a job I, most times, enjoy. But it's not enough. I want a special someone. I want a *Valerie and so-and-so* given phrasing that all couples have. I want to have someone to wake up next to, to cuddle on the couch with and share all my secrets with.
Today, I got home from a movie that I went to alone and checked the mail. I received a card addressed to *Valerie & Guest*. I wasn't totally surprised. I knew that one was coming soon but this was not the one I was expecting. Many of you may remember I work for a fire department. One of the firefighters whom I get along with very well is turning 50 next month and his dear, sweet wife, sent me an invitation to the party. Awesome! B is turning 50! That's huge! I totally love B...not love in a *I lust after him* way. He is like this fun, joking big brother who likes to play pranks and tricks on me at work but is nice and sweet that once in a while, he'll treat me to lunch or invite me to the station for lunch with the crew. He is sweet and instantly treated me like *family* and gave me warnings about being careful who I date and to *stay away from cops and firefighters*. He is basically the older brother I wish I had. I was surprised to receive this invitation though since I only met his wife once. It's a totally sweet gesture and I want to share in B's birthday festivities. But the *guest* part saddens me. I have no guest to bring...again...so I will most likely go by myself. By myself...I do everything by myself. I hate going to parties by myself. Because then I have to listen to phrases like...
You're here by yourself?
You're such an attractive girl, I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend?
I have this friend I can set you up with!
Are you seeing anyone? No one? Really?
So my birthday will be spent alone, I will go to B's birthday alone, will go to the work christmas party alone, spend the holidays alone and basically feel like I am doomed to a life alone.
And despite feeling utterly alone, I can't bring myself to spend time with people because they can't seem to understand my profound melancholy. And frankly, being a third or fifth wheel doesn't make me feel happy. If my options are being a third wheel or alone, I'll take alone. I don't want to avert my eyes from the sweet gestures that I haven't experienced in years and be forced to think about my unfulfilled hope...once again.
So frankly...my glass isn't even half empty right now...it's completely empty and I'm not happy about it at all.