Monday, February 20, 2012

The UnSpoken...Dating

**if you're looking for a stitchy post, come back in a day or two**

The weeks have been so busy that I haven't really had time time to fill you in on personal stuff. I've been meaning to but time has been flying. But I'm hoping that things quiet down in the next week or so so I can catch up on some stitching and get back into a gym routine.

Back around Thanksgiving, I made the executive decision to just take myself off the dating market in a way and focus on making friends. I still have myself up on the dating site but this particular one is a "mish mosh" site. Friends, dating, activity partners and the like. This has helped me out immensely. I find that I am more myself and "balls out" and less stressed and anxious about dating. Why am I anxious? Because most guys look to me as a booty call and I don't want to be making that sort of decision under pressure because of the new dating norms. Third date?! Get the hell out! I'm still old fashioned and I think I deserve to be respected. I want to get to know men and see if we really click and I find that after hanging out with someone for a month or so, their true colors start to show. It's hard to keep a facade for that long and things come up to the surface.

At this moment, I'm irritated with this approach. I know it's the right approach for me but I feel like the men I have met lately just proved that they just wanted to get to know me in hopes that I would "come to my senses" and have a relationship or sleep with them. For various reasons, I did not feel comfortable spending time with them other than friends. And I was very honest about that from the beginning. I seem to be a mess magnet. Deep down, I don't understand what is so hard about someone being employed, with their own living arrangement and transportation. I mean, isn't that normal? I've managed this arrangement for over 10 years...on my own! Everyone I've met recently has had at least one of the following wrong...no job, living with parents (at 40 this is not ok), no car or willingness to take public transportation to me or recently divorced with ex-wife still hanging around.

After the last go round, I have no patience for messy men. They have to have a job, their own place or roommate situation that does not involve living with their ex-wife or with parents and a car. I haven't met anyone yet who meets that criteria. Who knew that that was considered picky!

My answer on Tulip Man came swiftly. I was surprised he sent me flowers for Valentine's Day. Was it sweet? Yes. Was it a surprise? Yes.

Why?

My Tulip Man started off our friendship with a white lie. He wasn't honest about what town he lived in. Where he really lived wasn't so convenient to me. He seemed like a nice guy despite that and we had fun with happy hours. Each time we met, I paid my own way and there was no intimacy whatsoever. We were trying to be friends. At least I thought so. He was recently divorced with ex-wife drama. Messy and nothing I want to deal with. I admitted what my profession was but never disclosed my last name or where my office was located. So receiving a flower delivery at work was a surprise. He must have Googled me which you know, is kind of creepy. Heck, there's even the chance he found this blog but you know, bad behavior deserves to be outted. We were supposed to meet up this past Friday but I ended up having a conflict. I contacted him with enough time, apologized and offered alternate dates and ideas. Can you believe that he never wrote me back?! I had to text him to make sure he received it because I wanted to be sure he didn't show up and wonder where I was and all he responded was "yep. I got it." No...sorry to hear you have to cancel but I'm busy the times you suggested. NOTHING! I do not have the patience for douchey behaviour. This is his reaction because I canceled yet offered alternate ideas?! I have people flake and cancel on me all the time and I can be very understanding. If they do it a lot, then I get mad. But just once? So it just makes me believe that Tulip Man hoped that I would meet him on Friday night for our late night outing and he would score because he sent me flowers. Umm...what?

I've met two other men since Thanksgiving and they've disappeared after realizing I was serious about the friends thing. I carved out time for them, shared myself (in the form of time and knowledge and ideas) only to be discarded because I "wouldn't give it up". It's disheartening. I'm a really great person who deserves to be respected and treated as a real person instead of a pretty package that guys would like to "tap". So I've been feeling low. I know that I am better off without them and it's probably good that I didn't waste even more time with them and thank goodness I insisted on the friends thing because their true colors shone like you wouldn't believe.

Last night, I strolled the streets of the city with what is becoming a dear male friend. And I shared my woeful tale of these men that have basically made me feel like I am discardable because I won't be intimate or sleep with them. It's a terrible feeling to just want to be liked for who you are and not what sexual assets were bestowed upon you; and basically be cast aside. And he said all the things I was thinking and I am incredibly thankful that I had someone to lift me up when I was feeling low and to be getting the feedback from a guy. I deserve better. I'm a great person and tons of fun with a bazillion fun ideas of fantastic things to do and places to eat in the city. It makes me mad that men can be so douchey when it comes to being friends/dating.

Well, there's more to share but it's bedtime. I'll be back soon.

Until next time...

25 comments:

Kate said...

Hiya, as frustrating as it is, I think you are doing the right thing and you are saving yourself a lot of heartache down the road. I have heard rumours that there are decent guys out there but don't quote me on it ;)

gracie said...

Be true to yourself....

Julie said...

((big hugs)) Valerie, it's very sad that men these days cannot be more like they used to be isn't it, bring back good manners and respectfulness and honesty. Mr Right is out there somewhere, he'll come along when you least expect it and sweep you off your feet, in the meantime, enjoy the company of your male and female friends and have fun.

Hazel said...

Hugs sweetie. xxxx

cucki said...

sending you lots of love and hugs xx

Margaret said...

I know it's frustrating, but I do think you're doing the right thing. I so agree with you and the path you're taking. It's nice that you had a good man friend to talk it over with too. Hang in there. (Tulip man -- what a disappointment!)

Chris said...

Hey Valerie!
I think that you are approaching things the right way. You deserve to have a relationship with a responsible committed adult, not someone who is just looking to hook up. You will find someone who can also be your best friend.
Hang in there!

Siobhán said...

Well, you go girl! Stick to your guns and the right guy will come along. The guy that realizes there is so much more to you than the booty call is the guy worth waiting for. xo

Catherine said...

How frustrating! But you need to stay true to yourself! It seems as if you do have some wonderful guy friends to bounce your thoughts off of - this current one and the one that helped you with your tree (unless they are one in the same!). Hang in there ~ hugs!

Laura said...

Yes, it's frustrating and I have been where you are. Believe me. I have been there. I gave up on men in my early 30s and decided to just enjoy being me. It wasn't always easy and I went to plenty of weddings and family parties alone, but it wasn't terrible either.

Then one day I literally "bumped" into this guy I went to grammar school with and it just clicked. We've been married over 8 years and have a 7-year old. If anyone had told me it would happen I wouldn't have believed them. I didn't even want a family, I just wanted to find someone nice. It will happen for you too. Just stick to your beliefs and keep being you. :)

Julianne said...

I think you are saving yourself a TON of heartache and headache to do things this way. I think it is a great way to weed out "users".

It may be lonely right now but at least you have your self-respect. That is worth everything.

Hugs and I am really hoping your meet the kind of person who fits your requirements. You really are smart IMHO.

Carol R said...

[[Hugs]]

Anne said...

I had sent you a long email yesterday about Tulip guy--scratch that--he's a straight up douche!! Oh Valerie! The men you have dated are horrible! I don't understand where the nice, normal guys are hiding?!! Can't believe that they expect you to give it up within the first month then disappear once they don't get their way! A**es! I'm glad you are just doing the friend thing and sticking to your guns. It's not too much to ask to meet someone who has his own place. How's that picky?!!! I feel like kicking Tulip man now! Just so you know, I think you are amazing and very intelligent and one day someone will appreciate you and all your attributes :D I'm glad you have a guy friend who listens to you!

HUGS!!

Chocolates4Breakfast (TerriBoog) said...

A job, a car and his own place to live is NOT too much to expect. Hang in there, kiddo. He's out there but apparently he's hiding.

Ann at Beadlework. said...

I know we've all got an opinion but I think you should stick with being true to what your values are no matter what others think.

Melanie said...

Ugh. That is frustrating!
I know there are good guys out there.........where are they all hiding??? From everything you have here you are *NOT* being picky. As least not in my opinion. You have to have enough drive to be self-supporting - at the very least.

Tulip man should have tried being Roses man if he was looking to get laid. lol (Who gets laid with TULIPS? Don't get me wrong - I love tulips and daisies and all those 'lesser' flowers but if you are trying to impress? Tulips ain't going to cut it. lol) I'm kidding, of course, because that's not what you were looking for but he's doing it wrong regardless. ;^)

Carm said...

Keeping your selfrespect is better than being with some guy just to have someone there. I'm not to sure I wouldn't date someone just because he lives with his Mom/parents. I had 9 children and because of having so many living here I don't like being alone (I've been a single Mom for 20+yrs) so I'm glad one son is living with me. He was on his own for yrs. But, work place went belly-up and took him down with it.

Meari said...

Valerie,

I can truly from my heart feel your pain. I have experienced that very exact thing. Everything you have said, I have said to my GF's so I know how you feel. Don't let it get to you too much... you *are* better off without them and better off not settling for less than you want. Hang in there.

Joysze said...

Valerie, they don't deserve you, it's as simple as that. I know that sucks and sounds like just a "line" but it's so true.

As for your male friend... maybe something will happen with him? :)

Carol said...

I have faith that all men aren't interested in only one thing, Valerie--stay true to yourself and your beliefs young lady (I sound like I'm 85 don't I?!!) and you'll be able to walk through life with your head held high! Hang in there...and know I'm always here to listen :)

Daffycat said...

You stay true to yourself. The right guy is out there, somewhere. I firmly believe you need a foundation of friendship built strong before ANYTHING else or a long term relationship won't last.

pj said...

Seems most of your blogger friends agree that you are doing the right thing and "sifting" through the men you are meeting. I have been in your shoes and finally gave up looking, trying, etc. I just went to fun events, always tried to be upbeat, and people noticed and wanted to be with me. I was single 12 years after being divorced and found a great guy when I least expected...at a wedding! We are married and still friends with the bride and groom after 25 years! It happens!!!

pj said...

Seems most of your blogger friends agree that you are doing the right thing and "sifting" through the men you are meeting. I have been in your shoes and finally gave up looking, trying, etc. I just went to fun events, always tried to be upbeat, and people noticed and wanted to be with me. I was single 12 years after being divorced and found a great guy when I least expected...at a wedding! We are married and still friends with the bride and groom after 25 years! It happens!!!

Shelleen said...

If I was in your shoes I would be the same way. I think that people who jump into sex right away have no respect for themselves. You just haven't met the right guy for you. He is out there but you have to get through all the toads first. You are not setting high demands. A job, their own place and a car is what anyone would want. The only thing is if he is living with his parents because they need care or are living in like a small area off of his house. That would be ok.Stay away from the messy ex wife who still clings to him or in his face all the time.

Pumpkin said...

I don't envy you. It's amazing how many men are out there just looking for one thing. I couldn't even begin to tell you where to find a decent man these days! I wish you had better luck. At least you had a wonderful shoulder to cry on :o)