I've just come home from a night at the pub with my friend Bob where we were run out of the place by nerdy ass people trying to take our table for pub trivia night. I left 3/4 of my Newcastle on the table after the 5th person asked us to give up our table and Bob threw a fit and ran out of the bar. I, of course, had to run after him to make sure he's ok. It's not a good time for either of us. His father is very, very ill and I have a lot in my head. But I needed to see him to make sure he is holding up ok and he needed to see me to have a link to friends and the real world. I am always that to Bob...he never upsets me. We called it an early night and as I drove home, the following thoughts drifted in and out. I need to let them loose...there is so much on my mind lately.
*Despite the together exterior, I have my faults and doubts...I am human.
*I will go to the end of the earth for the people I care about...even if those people don't realize how much I care about them or go to the end of the earth for me.
*If something horrible happened to me and I needed someone to drop everything and come to my rescue, I could count on three people. Those people probably don't know or care that I write about them and I like that.
*I have my apartment and job and whereas that is wonderful and I love it, the fact that my social and dating life is a shambles totally overshadows what I've accomplished in the last year.
*I know that is bad. I love my apartment and that Richard helps me with every little thing. I love my job and the guys and that I am like a little sister to many and that my sarcasm is taken with a grain of salt and a smirk instead of a sharp retort meant to hurt. These guys are the best. I laugh at my nicknames of *snitch* and *tall girl*. I know that despite the criticism, I am appreciated.
*Sad that I feel appreciated by coworkers...people who pay me to do a job rather than friends and family I have known for years.
*Sad that I do things I don't really feel like doing to avoid hurt feelings. I am too nice sometimes. In the end, my feelings are the ones that get hurt. I don't know why I bother.
*I am tired of dating but feel like if I stop, I may miss out on the golden opportunity. Some may say that it has already come, is standing right in front of me and I just won't accept it. I feel like mine has already passed and I was too self-involved to realize it.
*I will always love *The Ex*. Even though all he does now is ignore and hurt me. After all my dating, I realize that I took him for granted...all these guys suck! I miss being loved and put on a pedestal and sex and cuddling and just being cared for. The guys I've been dating just don't do it for me. It drives me nuts...he drives me nuts...these guys I date drives me nuts! It all drives me nuts...but the one thing I know is that sex with *The Ex* is the best I have ever had and now that's the standard. With the pedestal and the great sex and being in love....the standard is practically elusive. I'm single forever.
*And in my angst of thinking I am single forever because all I do is try and try and try, I am surrounded by friends and people who are married (happily or not), in relationships, spawning kids and all I hear about is that is all great (or not) and how they live vicariously though me. Great...now I'm the entertainment. I really don't want to hear about how you're lives are great and *thank god I don't have to date and I don't know how you do it*. Yea...I don't know how I do it either! It drives me nuts and I am not the entertainment and if you think I am...please fucking pay for admission. I'm sick of this...I'm sick of it! I'm not even kidding.
*I think it's strange that I have three friends/acquaintences who have mentioned introducing me to their friends. That's weird. But considering I meet strange men off the internet...how weird can it be. You never know...
*You Never Know*...that is now my motto in life. The not knowing is at times just a curiousity but the knowing can be either a surprise or a big disappointment. Usually...it's a disappoinment.
*People may call me pessimistic. I call myself realistic. Helloww! Look around sometime.
*I've gained 8 pounds since I started my job. I feel fat. I love that my friend Bob tells me that I'm beautiful. I wish I could find a guy that I was attracted to and into, that would say that to me. For the time being, I guess it's good that I have nice and caring male friends. I now need to lose 10 pounds. I wish the people at work would stop bringing sweets. I have no willpower when it comes to baked goods.
*I feel melancholy and wish that others would consider that I may not be happy despite the fact that they are...I try...but sometimes I can't relate or I just can't let go of what's going on right now. It may be considered selfish. I just consider it my turn...it's about time I try to get my life in order considering how much I give or have given to others.
*I like that I finally got some of this off my chest. I try not to bottle things up but it's hard not to sometimes.
*Take from this what you will...just remember that these are my thoughts and they are my feelings.