Tuesday, September 13, 2011

The Dating Game

***Disclaimer: This post is Rated R. Content material: foul language, sexual topics and frustration exhibited towards opposite sex. If you're sensitive to that, hit the back button now. Thank you***

Hitch
: Now, on the one hand, it is very difficult for a man to even speak to someone who looks like you. But, on the other hand, should that be your problem?
Sara: So life's kind of hard all around.
Hitch: Not if you pay attention. I mean, you're sending all the right signals - no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back, you're wearing reading glasses with no book, drinking a Grey Goose martini, which means you had a hell of a week and a beer just wouldn't do it. And if that wasn't clear enough, there's always the "fuck off" sign that you have stamped on your forehead.


Have you seen the movie Hitch? That scene in the bar, where Sara is sitting alone, waiting for her friend, and some sleeze-bucket comes up to her and drops the stupidest line ever? Yea, I can relate. She is me and I am her. I don't really sit in bars by myself anymore because I see myself as a target. And I don't say that to have a big ego. I say that because the minute I walk into a bar alone and there is a group of guys on the hunt, I feel their eyes on me. I don't like it. I have mastered the "buzz off look" and I do have it stamped on my forehead.

***

Someone recently said that you never know what you're going to get or experience in online dating. I've been online dating since the inception of this little blog and let me tell you, that statement is so true. Sometimes I wonder why I keeping doing it. At times, it's fun, other times, frustrating and sometimes, even downright traumatizing. I feel like it's my only outlet to dating though seeing as I can't date within the workplace(not that I want to) and my pool of friends don't know any single, eligible men (which frustrates me to no end). I'm getting kind of tired of being the one with the interesting stories but not getting a good setup in exchange for them. Help me out a little here, 'k?!

In the beginning, online dating was exciting and fun. It slowly got old as I encountered married men pretending to be single. Guys in relationships whose girlfriends hacked their accounts and then emailed me to tell me the guy I was talking to is abusive. Guys who use 10 year old photos and let me tell you that those 10 years were not kind to their appearance. Lazy guys...and the list goes on. This doesn't mean that I don't meet nice guys...some who were boring or some where there was no "spark".

***
The past month or so has had me questioning why I've bothered, yet again. I know why I did but again...the frustration and feelings of being perpetually single settle in.

There have been a few wishy-washy, flaky guys. It's frustrating to spend time emailing with nothing coming of it. I'm not online to acquire countless penpals. I have a hard enough time staying caught up on emails with people I actually know.

I did meet a nice, but boring guy who I didn't feel any spark with. He recently went through this big production of telling me he hit it off with someone and was going to see where things went with her. I had to tell him I was spending time with him on the pretense of friends to begin with so he could do what he wanted but it'd be nice to continue to be friends. We go on urban hikes and the like. He's the type of guy I can be friends with because if I was actually dating him, he'd realize very quickly how sloth-like I can be. That's one of the problems of the elible men in my dating pool. They *all* like to hike, bike, run, swim, marathon, hanglide, parasail, ski, snowboard, hit the gym everyday, hit the clubs and dance all night. Then there's me whose into art, culture, food, film, urban hikes, yoga and other things that are visually or audibly stimulating. I need to find a guy who has an even mix of active and fun interests. But hey, I made a new friend out of the madness of online dating.

I started emailing and chatting with this guy who, friends, was drop dead gorgeous! At least his photos were. And his photos were a little too professional and meticulous and I was wondering if this guy was even real. He mentioned meeting and then retracted it? Ummm...what? Who does that? He painted on the side and so he talked a lot about painting and art and models. He was very direct and explicit about the models and women he liked. Classic face, rubanesque body. Big boobs, big bum, curvy. I fit that description and physique very well and he would bring it up all the time. I have the feeling he was waiting for me to offer to model for him. After the 5th+ time of his saying he liked big butts, I told him he was very direct and never heard from him again. Ha! Guys really hate hearing the truth. Frankly, I think he's a troll hiding behind a computer screen trying to get girls to come over and model nude for him because he looks f-in hot in his photos. The last thing I need is to model nude and have my photos get out to all the guys in my department. Um, hell no.
(Click to read the relevant caption)

A couple of days later, I received an email from a different guy who seemed a mess. Unemployed, no real direction and not even my type. He emailed me to say I had a classic beauty. It was a nice compliment so I replied to say thanks and that was it. A couple of days later, he sent me another message asking if I had any interest in partaking a lover from the site and went on to say he thought I was really beautiful and how he thought he could satisfy me. Ugh! Yea...really. I am not lying. There was a part of me that was disgusted and a part of me that was flattered but mostly, I was just grossed out. I replied in that manner and told him that the purpose of a dating site it to date and that there are sites out there specific to booty calls if that is what he wanted. Over the course of the month, this guy has emailed me to apologize, ask if I'd reconsider, told me he regretted that approach since he feels I am truly the real deal and a good catch, wished me the best of luck in my search while sending me an erotic short story he wrote of his imagined sexual encounter with me. Wonderful. I've managed to acquire another stalker. At least this guy doesn't know my real identity.

Then there was the guy who wanted to have a text relationship. I don't really like texting unless I am running late or need a quick answer on something. I definitely dislike flirting and guys making kissyface comments to me in text...before I've even met them. I am not going to reply in the same context either if I haven't met them because they can be one of those trolls with 10 year old pictures. Thank.you.very.much.but.no!

And despite all the weirdness, I was brave enough to go on a real date with a different guy (not any of the ones above) and had a nice time on the first date. We met at a wine bar, had fun conversations and migrated to another place for cocktails and appetizers. Together, we seemed to have good energy. I had my reservations though because he was super alternative and into things I knew I wouldn't put up with for very long. Not to mention, after appetizers, we took a little walk and he was very forward. Kissyface, grab ass, flattering compliments about my assets. I had him walk me to my car and he asked me if I'd be his girlfriend! First date! I'm not committing to being anyone's girlfriend on the first date. Despite the forwardness and alternative lifestyle, I figured a second date couldn't hurt. It would help me make a decision. I had to explain that I wasn't going to go dancing or clubbing(his plan), that I was more interested in getting to know him and insinuated that he wasn't going to "score" on the second date. Well, the second date ended up being a therapy session. He's a widow and went on and on about his deceased wife (sad circumstances I understand but this is a date), talked about the various other dates he had had and how soon he had sex with them (as soon as second date) and the quality of it and then at the end of dinner asked me if we should split the bill. I decided to just be done with him and pay for the meal. He obviously just wanted to have a "girlfriend" to have regular sex with even though it was apparent he is not over or healed from the death of his wife three years ago.

After these various online dating experiences, I'm starting to feel like men only see me as a pretty face with generous boobs and ass. I get that guys like that. I have it. I don't like that feeling of guys thinking that "oh yea, I'd tap that" line when they see me. I am more that pretty looks, big boobs and a nice ass. And this is with me playing down my looks. I hide behind glasses and live in jeans, cargos and hoodies most of the time. I am smart and nerdy and fun and sarcastic and kind and genuine with a good sense of humor who can sometimes be a cranky ass and a little neurotic and yes, I happen to have a pretty face, big boobs and a nice ass. But most of all...I'm a genuine person who deserves to be respected and have men realize I'm a great catch. And I am. And I've had men realize and tell me that...oftentimes too late.

And before you all think I have my stuff hanging out for all the world to see on the internet, I have headshots and pretty routine photos where my stuff is covered. I'm wondering why I'm getting this sort of response to my profile when the photos are sedate.

I'm starting to feel like I will really be single forever. I know, I know...it happens when you least expect it. Meh. Years ago, when I first tried online dating, they had these quizzes that would tell you the probability of meeting your match and I took the quiz. My probability was 7%. That is sad...and the older I get, the more I am starting to believe that is true. I am frustrated.

Even more frustrating is having your face on a damn dating site. Everywhere I go, I wonder why people look familiar. Later on, I realize it's because I've seen their picture on the damn dating site! All I want is to get the hell off the site. But I think that at this point, I'm just going to have to take myself off of it although my preference would be to come off the site because I met someone fabulous on it. I want to have this feeling...

And come away from it feeling giddy and excited and hopeful of the possibilities...instead of feeling like guys just want to feel up my junk.

And if anyone knows a nice, fun, cute, tall guy who has their act together in my area, let me know. It can't be worse than dating one of these guys on the damn dating site.

This post has probably freaked out my sister if she's reading this. I am not moving to Texas unless there's a nice Texan that will sweep me off my feet or come live in SF!

And you married folks...you guys/gals are lucky. And sorry if I offended any of my male readers by using generalizations despite them being true to my experience. I know all men aren't like that.

24 comments:

Karin said...

I am one of those long time married girls but I do wish you find the one amongst all those losers on those sites!! I have another friend who goes through the same things as you from those sites and have heard many stories. But on the other hand there are results so never give up. I do know somebody (male) who is looking for the right one too but he is living in Chicago :-)

LoriU said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
valerie said...

Sometimes...you just want to be with someone after having been by yourself and alone for so long. Single people have perspective on this. Long-time married people are lucky to be married and not go through what I have in an effort to meet someone I click with.

doris said...

Valerie, I notice that you read Aunt Purl. I loved her recent take on online dating. She found a way to cultivate a positive attitude about it, which has to be very helpful. I didn't love most of my experiences with online dating, and I decided life was too short to spend my time that way. You'll figure out what works for you.

Theresa said...

Online dating is so tricky, I've heard both successful and unsuccessful stories about it. I feel for you, and truly hope you can find someone to share a life with.

Siobhan said...

Ugh! I've been married for years and am once again very very thankful for that. Big hugs to you. I can't imagine how frustrating it is to go through all of that! Thinking of you.

Margaret said...

I feel for you so much -- it's so hard. I hope something happens for you, really and truly happens. I do have to say I know my cousin met his wife through online dating. She actually moved out to CA from NJ to marry him. So happy stories do happen from those sites.

Carol said...

Unfortunately, your experiences with online dating sound just like those of my sister, Valerie... It's hard to believe there are so many clueless and ignorant guys out there, but apparently there are.

Believe me, I feel very lucky to be an old (emphasis on "OLD") married woman. And I'm a firm believer in the "something will happen when you least expect it" philosophy :) Hang in there, my friend!

Jennifer said...

There are days I wonder why I ever got married.....

I think that sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you just can't win.....

Sigh....

Katrina said...

I hope you find the diamond among the rough!!!! All you can really do is maintain your sense of humor and find happiness where you are in your life :-).

Pumpkin said...

I can tell you one thing, I would not want to be dating in this day of age :o( What a nightmare! I feel for you, I really do. They make online dating sound so promising but like you've found out, there are some pretty strange weirdos out there :o( I hope you will find your 'other half' sometime soon.

Hazel said...

Valerie, grass isn't always greener sweetie as you know. I feel like I am in a marriage where my husband doesn't love me anymore. I'm stuck here till he sorts himself out. I'm going through hell pretty much. On the outside it would appear I have it all. Marriage, two wonderful children, not working (although that might well be changing soon) but things are often not what they seem and relationships are bloody hard work. I hear you and there are some plain idiots out there. I really hope you do meet someone to share your life with but til you do you just enjoy being you. xxxxxxxx

Michelle said...

I feel for you, girl! I have been there and it does get very frustrating. Yes, good things can come from online dating (I have personal proof!), but you do seem to have to slog through a lot of losers. I once had a guy tell me he was a telephone installer and when I asked how he liked doing that, he explained it was great because he got to crawl under women's desks. Really?!? But, seriously, I think there is a population of men that no matter what kind of signals/photos/vibe you are giving off - if you're breathing and female they are going to make comments about your assets. But there is a population of men that are respectful, endearing, interesting, romantic and fun. Just keep living your life and know that being you and loving who that is is the best way to find someone who is doing the same. Big hugs!!

pj said...

You are a great girl with alot to offer. I have been in those shoes and found that just being single, being happy with myself, attracted others when I wasn't even looking. I met my husband at a wedding of a friend and neither of us was "looking" at the time. Just do fun things, go out with groups of friends, etc. and you will be noticed for your personality, smile, eyes, looks, whatever but not "the hunt" vibe. Have fun and be fun and others will want to be with you.

Catherine said...

I can't begin to imagine what you have been going through. I don't think I would do very well in the dating game in this day. I am fortunate to have found someone to share my life with. Although, partners and marriages don't always work either.
Be yourself, have fun and when you're least expecting it, then it will happen. Hugs!

Heli said...

Wow, this was a great read, thanks for sharing!

Christina said...

I feel your pain Valerie. My only experience of online dating is vicariously through my mother-in-law. She's had some real creeps but thankfully always takes friends with her when she meets these men for the first time. Unfortunately she has fallen for one of these 'creeps' *sighs* I'm sure she feels that being with this guy is better than being on her own, but she couldn't be further from the truth. I hope you find love when you least expect it with an absolute gem.

Barb said...

I always remind my daughter that once she leaves college and enters the working world it will be tough to find guys to date. But that's no reason to find someone to marry before leaving school. No easy answers! And of course the grass is always greener on the other side. Sometimes us old married ladies envy your lifestyle! Marriage if full of challenges for sure.

Marjorie said...

The only thing I can say is to be happy with your own company, enjoy your life to the fullest and if you happen to meet someone, that's great, but if you don't it's not the worst thing in the world to be single. I too am an old married woman and I can say Hazel is right on, the grass is not always greener. At least you don't have to listen to someone snore at night or pick up their dirty socks or...the list goes on. I'm going to stop now before I am overcome wth jealosy lol.

Anne said...

I have to say that awhile back I spent a good hour or two reading all of your posts, and it was a good read. You should try writing a book or get your blog published because I felt as though I was with you, experiencing all this dating crap..the good and the bad. I truly hope that you find someone that you can just meld with, if you know what I mean. I think that's all anyone asks for. There are times in marriage that you wonder why you ever did do it, and there are the times when you are happy to just go home and be with someone who gets you. Now, just recently, my gorgeous friend (stress on the gorgeous) met a fella on an online dating site after spending over 10 years being single with a son. They just got married last month! So you never know what can happen. Have faith and keep being the outgoing gal with great assets and I'm sure a genuine fella will appreciate you and meld with you.

Sylvia said...

Oh Valerie, it does just really sound painful. I am glad to be married for many years, although its not always a bed of roses either. Any long term relationship does take a great deal of work from both parties. But I do prefer that over being single. I hope that you find Mr. Right somewhere. Keep on getting out there.

Melanie said...

I get the feeling you've gotten one too many dick pics texted to you. ;^)

Guys are so fucking stupid, no matter the age, when dating. (The majority of them anyway.) I wish I had some advice but I was beyond terrible at dating during the short time I was at it. I probably wouldn't even be with my husband if my best friend at the time, back in 1992, hadn't of talked me into going on a second date with him. I thought the first date was kinda boring and he seemed 'too nice'. Yeah. :(

So I guess my only token bit of advice is to not overlook the 'boring' ones TOO quickly. lol Sometimes it takes 3-4 dates to find that you do click after all.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm 20 years married this month and, believe you me, it's not all sunshine and roses, even after all this time. It comes and goes in cycles and the 'off' cycles can be very difficult to hang on through.

Give yourself credit for putting yourself out there and trying though, you know? I have one friend who had her heart broken over 6 years ago and she *still* hasn't gotten back in the scene, which is beyond sad, you know? She's a gorgeous blonde and I hate seeing her sealed off from everything and the possibility of any sort of relationship.

Maybe perusing some Meet Up groups would be better? They have all sorts of groups, including a lot of non-dating ones, in area of interest that could put you in touch with people with similiar interests or maybe just people who know people with similar interests. I used to meetup with a movie group and a walking group and there are definitely single guys out there who use that site. Just saying. :)

Good luck with it!!!!!

Joysze said...

*hugs* This majorly blows. As much as the internet has enriched our lives, it also lets the freaks and weirdos out and makes them think they can do and say whatever the heck they want.

I hope somewhere in that slime infested pool, there's some guy wading the same slime infested pool and getting disgusted, and you guys will meet up really soon.

Meari said...

Having been single for 10 years and been on the dating sites, I can truly relate to what you're saying... Been there, done that, too. Just like you, many times over. The freaks I've met... I mean men... are very similar. There have been times where I've come right out an asked guys in email and chat if they saw a lady on the street, would they say stuff like that or act like. They said "no". Well then? What makes them think it's OK just because you "meet" online? Ugh. Hang in there... My friend has said the same as you... She wants to find someone she clicks with but doesn't want to put in so much effort. She's given up dating for a while, LOL.