I've been in a funk since the beginning of the year and with the tide, the funk ebbs and flows. Lately, it's been flowing. I just feel like things have immensely changed over a short period of time. That's probably not *really* the case but all of a sudden, I'm aware and I feel like the lives of those around me are progressing and moving forward while mine is at a standstill. Marriages, pregnancies, births, home-buying, new jobs. How come exciting stuff isn't happening to me?! I know, I should be happy for them but I'm sad and jealous because I feel a retreat from them. I'm not married, I don't want children, I haven't got enough money to even come close to buying a condo, let alone a house in the area I live and whereas I would love a new and exciting job in the arts, I've got 6 more months to become vested in the job I currently have and I would like to become vested because come 65+, I'm sure I'll appreciate the extra stipend.
And I feel like time is a-wasting. I turn 35 and for some reason, it may as well be 40! Not that there is anything wrong with 40 but I really thought that by the time I was 35, my life would be established. I thought I'd be married with a couple of kids in a cute, old Victorian-style house. Somewhere, the train de-railed. I've wasted a year waiting for *the boy* to get better from an injury that was supposedly only going to take 6 weeks to heal. Six weeks...what a laugh! And I waited and helped out like a dutiful girlfriend. I did the right thing...but sometimes I question if it was the right thing for me. And I've talked about this stuff with *the boy* and he knows where I stand. There's no embarrassment in me putting my words to blog because it's not news to the characters in this real-life play. He's upset at the circumstances and everything I've gone through for him and he doesn't feel like I've wasted my time and he says he'll make it all up to me. *The boy* loves me. But I've lost any grain of patience I've had just waiting for his circumstances to change. So now that they have...I want everything to happen right now...like right this very second! What do you mean I have to wait even longer!? Of course, the alternative would be to go our separate ways and I know that won't make me happy either. Ugh, have you seen the characters on Match? No? Well I peeked just to see and trust me, I don't want to touch any of that with a ten-foot pole! *The boy* says this is the year for changes and great things will happen. I hope they are great, exciting things and not great, tragic things because I can't take anymore bad. I need fun happy things to happen to blow away that great big Eeyore cloud that is hovering over my head.
So we'll have fancy date nights 2x a month for now and a planned Mendocino weekend trip in May. Let's see if I can make it that far. Frankly, I think I need a 2-week vacation to completely de-stress my mind from all the drama over the last year and a half. But I guess I'll take a long weekend for now.
And onto the kids thing...everyone thinks that the fact I don't want children is odd. And now that my friends are starting to have kids, I feel like there's a disconnect because I'm the nutjob who doesn't like kids. I like kids enough...I just don't want to have any. The older I get, the less I want to have a child because I don't want to be like my parents. My parents were 47 and 45 when they had me. That was old back then to be having kids. My parents were the oldest amongst my friends and they were old school, strict parents who wouldn't let me out of their sight. It was tiring and frustrating. Everyone thought they were my grandparents. Try having to explain this over and over. It's kind of embarrassing. Plus, I was in a parental care role by the end of high school and still have to take care of their things to a certain extent. In a way, I feel like my childhood was stunted. I suppose the norm now is to have kids later in life once your career is established but if I were to have a kid, I'd have wanted it to happen earlier and now, I'd much rather travel the world.
So, I'm in a funk. I wonder what to do to get out of it. I think I should meet more people but for the most part, most people my age are busy being married and raising their kids. I wonder where the old cranky spinsters go hang out? And can you show up in your pj's and with your tv remote? I don't know.
With the funk, there is less desire to blog because I just don't feel chatty. I have stuff to talk about though...like going to the White Elephant Sale and grabbing some finds. Maybe if I get another burst of the chatty, I'll share sooner rather than later. But I may be posting less for a little bit. I hoping the funk ebbs again soon...it's rather affecting my stitching production too.
Thanks for sticking with me during this blathery post.
Until next time...
22 comments:
Valerie, I'm sorry to hear you're in a funk, feeling your life is at a standstill. It does sound like things have been tough for you the last year and a half. I can see how now that things have changed, you want things to happen. I hope you start feeling more content with your life soon. I had a friend in college who had older parents as well -- I think it was hard on her too. I wish I could be more helpful or encouraging. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for brighter days ahead. Hugs.
Oh my, funks suck.
Did you hear Sandra Bullock's Oscar speech last night? I guess she had older parent's too? Anyway...maybe you should see if it is printed up somewhere to get the "real words" but in effect she said, "thanks to my Mom for not letting me ride alone in a car with a boy until I was 18. Because I would have done the things she told me I do if she had let me." and something to the effect for making her practice her piano and ballet etc. etc. because with out her strictness she would be where she was. While you had "old" parents they were probably most wise and gave you the start that you needed. I've always admired and honestly have always had friends that were older than me. In fact OLD....because to me...its like reading an old book, they've been around the corner and know what to tell me to look out for. I missed many a pot holes in life thanks to the wisdom of my elders. Embrace life and yourself and you can't go wrong. In the meantime, I'm thinking of you and hoping that you spring out of the doldrums :) Hugs and love...
My oldest daughter never wants to have children either. She'll be 28 in a few weeks. There's nothing wrong with that. You can go hang out with her. ;)
I was totally in a funk like that for the last couple of years. It just seemed like everything bad that could happen did happen and then when it stopped happening, I just still felt blah. Life felt like I was just calling it in, as they say, and not being a real participant.
Things will get better. And if you find that place where the old spinsters hang out, ask if I can join you guys. My kids are all grown up, but I am still young. All of my friends have small children and I am soooo over that!
Don't let anyone make you feel odd because you choose not to have children. There are more and more couples these days choosing not to have children. My husband and I chose not to have any, as did a couple other members of our SBTB group. So you see, you're not alone, especially here in the Bay Area :^)
Liz S.
Valerie, I'm so sorry you're feeling this way right now. I agree with the other commenters - don't let anyone make you feel bad because you don't want children. You make decisions based on what's right for you, not for others. I don't have (and don't want) children and am happy with that decision, because I know it's the right one for me.
As far as the other life stuff goes, I totally get your frustration about feeling at a standstill. My life is also on hold at the minute, for different reasons and the frustration at times is immense. I also can completely identify with wanting it all to happen NOW so that I can move on. All I can say is, hang in there and keep working towards what you want from life. Having plans (like vacation/date nights) is good - maybe it would help if you wrote down where you would like to be in 6 months, one year, 5 years from now and how you might achieve that?
I'm thinking of you and hope that the funk lifts soon and you can start to see a way forward {{{hugs}}}
I'm sorry to hear about your funk. It sounds like you're ready for some change or that you feel one coming on.
Whether or not to have kids is such a personal decision. You know what is right for you. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for it. Your friends who have kids would love to have some time away though so don't lose touch with them.
OK, first of all what's this stuff about "might as well be 40?!" lol I'm 40+, single, with no kids. :) I can totally relate to what you wrote. There were times I thought time was passing me by, too. And YES, I've seen and dated those "things" on the dating sites. There is much to be desired! Out of hundreds of men, there is *maybe* one or two that would be suitable. Yuck. Keep your chin up and make happiness for yourself. Do what you like to do and blow that cloud away. ((hugs))
Life sure has a way of throwing us off our path sometimes. Take a break, think positive thoughts and decide what you really want from life, sometimes we already have what we really want and dont realise its right in front of our eyes.
Hope you are soon feeling much brighter. XX
i am sorry to hear that you are downheartened and hope and pray for you that you will get what you want out of life.. the trick is to have goals in your life for you or your family ect. i do have four children but although i love my busy lifestyle i sometimes wish i had some quiet time lol.. we should swop once in a while lol.. joking anyhow try to be happy about what you have not what you dont have.. thats what i do.. i only hope this helps you
God bless
It's OK to not want to have kids. Would anyone ask a man why he doesn't want to have kids? Probably not. I had my kids at 36 and 39. Didn't sound so old then but now that we are close to 60 it does seem old. Most women my age have grandchildren by now and that is the furthest thing from my mind. And there are many times these days when I wonder if I was cut out to have kids. It's so hard sometimes! My advice? Have fun! Make a difference in someone else's life! Shake it up a little and do something daring. Ah, it's so easy to advise, so difficult to actually do it. You may surmise that those are the things that I want to do!
Ok so you're not where you thought you'd be.
Are you happy where you are?
The stuff that is making you happy keep doing it.
The stuff that is making you unhappy - stop it.
Longer than a fortune cookie & about as helpful. lol
Anyway don't judge your lives against others', judge it by your happiness.
Funks absolutely stink! I really hope that things start to change soon. I never thought that I wanted kids, was in a relationship that wasn't going anywhere. One day I just woke up and said enough. Left the boy at the time, and started living for me. Met a great man, got married and decided I did want kids. I was about your age when I did it. Sometimes when things are just bringing you down, you have to make a change, as scary as that may sound. And the change can lead you to a lot of wonderful ends.
I struggle with the kid thing too. I'm 29 and don't want kids for awhile yet, but I feel like I should get started before 35 because the longer I wait, the older I'll be. Which, duh. But I mean having a baby at 40 doesn't seem so bad to me, but having a college sophomore at 60 is different. So I feel like I need to get started soon so as to not be too old later. But what if I'm not ready by the time I'm 35?
It's a tough call.
I've definitely been where you are now and all I can say is life is very strange and what you think is true today may not be true tommorrow. At 35 I never intended to get married or have kids. That year I met my husband and we got engaged 10 months later. I'm 43 now with a 5-year old and sometimes I feel like the old hag hanging around the young, skinny moms, but mostly I'm just really glad that life is strange. I'm not saying everything you think is wrong, just that you shouldn't get all bogged down in the idea that today is even a snapshot of what your future may be.
Dear Valerie,
I can totally relate to your feeling. That is exactly how I felt last year.Sometimes I felt people around me expected me to do certain things at my age, like having kids and having a career, but I have neither of those. I felt like I have fail them, and was very depressed.
I don't really have any buddies here because all my girlfriends are busy with their kids, and every time we get together, all they talk about is their kids. There's nothing wrong about that, I like kids enough, it's just that I can't relate to this topic, and they can't understand my thoughts. I have a great husband, I have no complains there, but he can't really understand what I have been going through, either.
That's why I decided the only person that can make me feel better is me. I decided I have to be happy, to live for myself first. That is the most important thing. I hope you can walk out of your funk soon, and truly be happy.
((Hugs))
***hugs*** Life just sucks sometimes. I'm thinking you just do whatever you feel is right and if other people have a problem with it, then it's their problem, right? I (for one) am sooo glad I had my child very young. Now she is grown and I'm still young enough to, well you get it!
I can see your point with the boyfriend situation. You had an expectation how things would turn out and it didn't happen and you are disappointed. Can you say, normal?
You take care of yourself. We want you back soon, dear friend!
I hope that things start turning around for you soon because you deserve good things to happen to you.
Marriage, kids, buying a house, changing careers ... these are all areas where no one and nothing else should influence your decision other than what you believe will make you happy. Trust yourself.
Aww Valerie, big hugs. First off, on the kids thing, I think it's better that you know you don't want kids and stick with that decision rather than let yourself feel bad about it and get pressured by what society says you should do. I think it's up to the individual as to whether or not they want kids, you know yourself better than anybody else. My DH & I were going to wait and have kids till after we got some money together and had travelled a bit, but celebrated our second wedding anniversary with a baby instead. I am glad, but it was a struggle. I'm glad that I will hopefully be able to enjoy grandchildren for a long time, when the time does come, but the struggle was a BIG struggle. OTOH, my dad was in his early 40s when my youngest brother was born, and Tim was 12 when our father died. Who's to know what's the better situation?! It is what it is. Life. Truthfully, I've always found people who go on and on about their kids to be boring. I have a few friends that do that and it makes me want to yell at them to shut up and then worry about myself, that I'm not doing the same thing about MY kids. Oy. It's hard to know what's best.
As far as stuff with the boy and life and all that. It is YOUR life. One of the best things about not having kids (I would imagine, anyway) is that you don't have anyone dependent upon you. If you don't like something, change it. Maybe join some different groups to find other friends who might not focus so much on their kids. I do have to tell you, though, that I have often felt that life was passing me by--and I have kids and a husband and a mortgage and am self employed, blah blah blah. I have brothers who seem to have had everything work out for them, SILs who say, "I want --- to happen in ---" and it happens for them. For a long time, I sat and watched others get what they wanted and dreamed of and felt like life was passing me by as I dreamed and nothing happened. I'm in my 40s now and I don't know that life has magically changed or anything, but maybe along with the wrinkles, a change in my mindset has come and I'm more content with my lot. Try to hang in there... I hope you can shake the funk. Big hugs.
Funks are no fun. We all get them that's for sure. Reading through the comments I can't help but notice that you have a lot of friends that care a great deal about you. I know when I'm down it always helps to know that friends have me in their thoughts. So Maisa and I are thinking about you and hoping that you get out of this! Let us know if there is anything you need.
I hope you get out of your funk. Sounds like you need a change somewheres in your life, job, boyfriend, home. My sister will be 40 this year and didn't want kids. She is going through a divorce now. My mom and I always supported her decision not to have kids. That s a personal thing
Valerie, I hate funks. I think we all have them. Hope things improve soon. I think people are waiting a lot longer to have kids and 40 something today is not the same as 40 something 40 years ago ;-). If you really don't want kids there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, on the other hand don't let your age be the deciding factor. And give things a chance to fall into place {{{hugs}}}.
Look Valerie, it's the winter that has been too long ; spring will help you see the same things in a better light. It's good you are able to write about what you feel. A couple of days ago, I was just as down as you, feeling I had squandered my life, and really unhappy about... about everything ! Today is better. There's an undercurrent that is driving our mood sometimes in the wrong direction, whatever our choices. Stick to your ideas - when you feel better, you'll be both relieved and proud.
Valérie
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