I've been in a funk since the beginning of the year and with the tide, the funk ebbs and flows. Lately, it's been flowing. I just feel like things have immensely changed over a short period of time. That's probably not *really* the case but all of a sudden, I'm aware and I feel like the lives of those around me are progressing and moving forward while mine is at a standstill. Marriages, pregnancies, births, home-buying, new jobs. How come exciting stuff isn't happening to me?! I know, I should be happy for them but I'm sad and jealous because I feel a retreat from them. I'm not married, I don't want children, I haven't got enough money to even come close to buying a condo, let alone a house in the area I live and whereas I would love a new and exciting job in the arts, I've got 6 more months to become vested in the job I currently have and I would like to become vested because come 65+, I'm sure I'll appreciate the extra stipend.
And I feel like time is a-wasting. I turn 35 and for some reason, it may as well be 40! Not that there is anything wrong with 40 but I really thought that by the time I was 35, my life would be established. I thought I'd be married with a couple of kids in a cute, old Victorian-style house. Somewhere, the train de-railed. I've wasted a year waiting for *the boy* to get better from an injury that was supposedly only going to take 6 weeks to heal. Six weeks...what a laugh! And I waited and helped out like a dutiful girlfriend. I did the right thing...but sometimes I question if it was the right thing for me. And I've talked about this stuff with *the boy* and he knows where I stand. There's no embarrassment in me putting my words to blog because it's not news to the characters in this real-life play. He's upset at the circumstances and everything I've gone through for him and he doesn't feel like I've wasted my time and he says he'll make it all up to me. *The boy* loves me. But I've lost any grain of patience I've had just waiting for his circumstances to change. So now that they have...I want everything to happen right now...like right this very second! What do you mean I have to wait even longer!? Of course, the alternative would be to go our separate ways and I know that won't make me happy either. Ugh, have you seen the characters on Match? No? Well I peeked just to see and trust me, I don't want to touch any of that with a ten-foot pole! *The boy* says this is the year for changes and great things will happen. I hope they are great, exciting things and not great, tragic things because I can't take anymore bad. I need fun happy things to happen to blow away that great big Eeyore cloud that is hovering over my head.
So we'll have fancy date nights 2x a month for now and a planned Mendocino weekend trip in May. Let's see if I can make it that far. Frankly, I think I need a 2-week vacation to completely de-stress my mind from all the drama over the last year and a half. But I guess I'll take a long weekend for now.
And onto the kids thing...everyone thinks that the fact I don't want children is odd. And now that my friends are starting to have kids, I feel like there's a disconnect because I'm the nutjob who doesn't like kids. I like kids enough...I just don't want to have any. The older I get, the less I want to have a child because I don't want to be like my parents. My parents were 47 and 45 when they had me. That was old back then to be having kids. My parents were the oldest amongst my friends and they were old school, strict parents who wouldn't let me out of their sight. It was tiring and frustrating. Everyone thought they were my grandparents. Try having to explain this over and over. It's kind of embarrassing. Plus, I was in a parental care role by the end of high school and still have to take care of their things to a certain extent. In a way, I feel like my childhood was stunted. I suppose the norm now is to have kids later in life once your career is established but if I were to have a kid, I'd have wanted it to happen earlier and now, I'd much rather travel the world.
So, I'm in a funk. I wonder what to do to get out of it. I think I should meet more people but for the most part, most people my age are busy being married and raising their kids. I wonder where the old cranky spinsters go hang out? And can you show up in your pj's and with your tv remote? I don't know.
With the funk, there is less desire to blog because I just don't feel chatty. I have stuff to talk about though...like going to the White Elephant Sale and grabbing some finds. Maybe if I get another burst of the chatty, I'll share sooner rather than later. But I may be posting less for a little bit. I hoping the funk ebbs again soon...it's rather affecting my stitching production too.
Thanks for sticking with me during this blathery post.
Until next time...