Monday, January 31, 2011

Out of Sorts

Hope everyone had a nice weekend. I've been feeling out of sorts for the past month. Being scatterbrained and so tired and pulled in a lot of directions. I've gotten some comments that I sound overwhelmed and I guess that I am. I've been feeling the distance between me and my friends and the increased need for attention my elderly parents are exhibiting. I think I'd be able to handle it all better if I had a support network. But I don't...it's just me taking care of everything. It's sad to have this feeling that everyone needs or wants something from me but when I need or want anything, I have to do it myself because no one else is going to do it for me. I want to go in one direction and am forced into another...trying to appease others at the risk of neglecting myself. And because I want to beat to the tune of my own drum, I feel kind of guilted. That Catholic guilt will kill you, you know...or at least force you into the scary white jacket and padded room.

And even though I love San Francisco, I often daydream of picking up and moving far away from here so I can finally have a life of my own, with less responsibility. And time to recapture the creative drive that is so incredibly stunted. I can follow a pattern but at this point, that's about it. The dreams about designing and owning a small little sanctuary for stitchers are just that...dreams...because my energies and focus are elsewhere.

So, I'm in a "nobody gets it" mood. Nobody gets why I am so stressed and sad and frustrated and resentful. Least of all, the people who are making me feel this way. When I feel this way, I need silence and alone time. My chirpiness decreases; my hermit tendencies increase and I focus more on my stitching since it's what I do at home.

So my stitching has been coming along.

I finished my Heart in Hand Little Angel in the Clouds. I think it's so cute! I will have to restitch soon with a pale lavender heart instead of the tan. I also stitched a little gift for my penpal. She has intermittent internet so hopefully she doesn't see this! I stitched Blackbird Designs Bluebird on a scrap of 32 count platinum with GAST Brethren Blue. I'm debating whether I want to add pins and buttons.

Well, I sent off my shears to get sharpened a couple of weeks ago and I realize I don't have any scissors to cut fabric other than those. I guess I better hunt down a Joann's or Michael's coupon so I can buy a backup pair. So no finishing for me...yet. I can't even cut my fabric down!

And I started on the border for BBD Valentine Rose last night. I wasn't supposed to start until February but with the absence of fabric shears, I decided to at least be productive. Plus, I am taking a Sandie Vandosdall class with my Sampler Guild in March and I hear there's pre-stitching. I don't even have my kit yet...I wonder how much stitching I have to do! So I had better get a move on on my personal stitching so I can drop everything once I receive my kit.
It doesn't look like much for now. This block has a huge house that needs to be built! Maybe by the weekend, I'll have some house to show...if I can squeeze some stitching in between the responsibilities.

So...don't be surprised if I'm not as chirpy as usual. I am trying to find my happy place. It's quite hard with the constant interruptions and such but I'm trying.

Thanks for all the entries for my surprise! There are some new blogs I need to check out. I really enjoyed the responses to my questions. I've got lots of movies to add to my Netflix queue. I'll answer my own questions on Thursday when I announce the winner. Movies and travel are two things that make me happy besides stitching and I am trying to reacquaint myself with both.

Well, I think I'm going to head to bed early tonight. Hope you all are having a good start to the week.

Until next time...

33 comments:

mbroider said...

Dear Val,

Sorry you are feeling so 'alone' when you need support. This is one life we live, i must be talking only for you when i say, try going out of SFO. Put your dream in action. If no one else is thinking of you, it is time you thought of yourself.

Hugs to you...

Sylvia said...

Gosh, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles, that is the pits. I wish you had someone to lean on. I don't think its good to feel this way for an extended time, and you have mentioned wanting to leave SF previously. Sometimes we have to take risks - scary, yes - but without action you won't realize your dreams.

I love your angel finish. So sweet. The BBD is wonderful as well.

Hope your spirits lift soon.

Rowyn said...

I love the projects you have on the go, especially BBD Bluebird. It is such a sweet design.

Sorry things are difficult for you right now. Here's hoping there are better times ahead for you.

KarenV said...

{{{Valerie}}} I'm sorry you're struggling at the minute, without support. I wish I had some useful advice, but I don't really, apart from to echo what a couple of people have already said - you only have one life, so maybe you should seriously think about moving, if that's what you want to do. I know what it's like to feel stuck in a difficult situation where you don't feel you can make any plans or move forward, but maybe you should start making those plans anyway, since no-one else will make them for you (as you've said). Even if you don't move tomorrow, next week, next month or even next year, having a specific goal, broken down into small, manageable steps, might help.

I love your little angel and the BBD bluebird pincushion is beautiful :) I've finished with Red-Winged Blackbird, so he will be on the way to you very shortly to help to cheer you up.

Catherine said...

Sorry to hear things have been so rough. The winter time blues never help either! Perhaps you really are ready for a change in scenery! Hugs, thoughts and prayers to you!

Your stitching is lovely - I think the angel would be sweet with the purple heart!

Danielle said...

I feel your pain. I get like that too. I don't have ailing parents, not yet, but I do handle everything around the house and it seems that I help everyone else but like you when I need something done, i have to do it myself. It is frustrating. My favorite thing is quiet also, watching a DVD or listening to Enya on my ipod. Try to hang in there. Your stitching looks great!

Hazel said...

Hugs xxxx

Christina said...

I often feel like that at the beginning of a new year. I hope it improves for you very soon Valerie. I'm not one to recommend retail therapy BUT perhaps purchasing and kitting up Evening in the Park might help?!!!
Your finished stitching is lovely, that angel is so cute. I really like Heart in Hand designs, they're really quirky.

Giovanna said...

Congrats on the finish, they're really pretty!

Jackie said...

I hope you're able to find your happy place and be less stressed soon. Caring for aging parents can be really tough. Hugs to you!

Very nice finishes!

Lisa said...

sorry to hear your feeling a bit down and alone, I know how that can feel sometimes, I hope you can find some happiness soon and can follow your dreams x

love your angel finish and the BBD one is lovely too

Carol said...

It sounds like you are really at a crossroads in your life, Valerie. We've all had them, but I think it must be especially hard when you don't feel like you have a good support group around you. Dealing with aging parents is often difficult and depressing. I think January is a difficult month for everyone... Your inner voice is telling you that you need to make a change, but only you can decide what that change should be and when to make it...

That being said--your little angel and BBD bluebird are darling!

Sending you big hugs and a willing ear if you ever want to unload :)

Dee said...

I think we've all been there at one time or another. Well, at least us "old folks" have. I'm so sorry you have to go through it and hope the out of sorts feeling passes by soon.

Hugs from bloggy-ville ---

Michelle said...

Big hugs, sweetie! I know you've been struggling with these issues for awhile and the longer it goes on, the more it weighs on you. I hope that you can figure out some relief. I do agree that you do, ultimately, have to live your life for you. I'm always here if you need to talk!

Love your little finishes - the angel is so sweet. I am thisclose to finishing Snow Garden and I hope to get a start on Valentine Rose today. I've got pre-stitching for a class in March too, and no sign of it showing up in my hands yet. So, I'm sure I'll have to drop everything once it arrives.

Rachel S said...

Sending you good vibes. Sometimes just saying that things bother us and we don't like them helps, if not to remove the obstacle, at least to remove our guilt for not being happy with the situation. I went through this. I still go through moments of this, and it helps to think of it in terms that this is where we're supposed to be in our journeys on this day, and whatever situations we're put through are meant to be to get us to where we're supposed to be in life. Don't give up on that dream, just rephrase in terms of it's not here right now, but, if it comes, when you're having your first stitcher's retreat, it will be precious because it wasn't easily obtained.

Margaret said...

I know how hard it is when you have to do everything alone and with no support. I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and alone. I hope things get better for you. You definitely should start thinking more of yourself. Be a little selfish sometimes. I'm not good at giving advice -- but I definitely understand the hermit tendencies -- I'm that way myself!

Love all your stitchy finishes and WIP! Very nice! Hang in there....

mainely stitching said...

I sure hear you loud and clear on the demands of ageing parents!!! I just found out yesterday that there is a local support group for the caregivers of ageing parents here in my teensy tinsy town (and you can bet your booties I'll be at the next meeting) so I'm sure there will be something like that in big SanFran. Go check it out - don't pull in and keep it all to yourself.

And as for leaving and starting over someplace else, I'm a big believer in listening to that little voice ... it often knows exactly what it's talking about.

Katrina said...

Val, big hugs!!!! Sometimes change is a good thing, there's nothing wrong with exploring your options. Even if you didn't decide to move it might help give you some clarity. And honestly, you need to set some boundaries with your parents, don't assume they know how overwhelmed you are feeling.

Love all the stitchy pics!!!!

CalamityJr said...

Valerie, I wish we lived closer so I could be that friend you need right now. I'm not full of sage advice, but I'm a pretty good listener! All I'll say for now is hang in there, and follow your heart. It knows the answers, even if not showing them to you yet. Keep stitching and doing what you need to bolster your own soul, and the rest will follow.

Julie said...

The little angel and the BBD are lovely.

I hope life runs along a much smoother path for you in the furture and you find happiness and contentment.

Beth said...

I am sorry that you are feeling down and overwhelmed. I know when we went through that with my DH's family, it was really tough. I had the additional pout because I was doing the stuff and it was HIS family. Didn't have the problem with my family because both parents died early. I miss them, but I am glad we didn't have to deal with it.

Your stitching is darling. Go get you some new scissors so you can play some more!

Melanie said...

**HUGS**

Melissa said...

Oh, sweetie, you need a wee break! Maybe a start could be finding someone to talk to? Surely the great city of SFO has services to offer in the way of free counselling or something? Just a thought. (I found a couple of sessions can provide a good perspective as well as finding other resources that may help.)

I'm glad you're still stitching. I see lovelies here! You hang in there kiddo! {Hugs}

Blu said...

Sorry you're feeling so down. ((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Mother of Mayhem said...

I have enjoyed reading your blog since I started blog reading in the autumn. I felt compelled to comment after reading your recent entry. It is very hard to do what we must do when it comes to family when our mind and spirit want to go in a different direction. I know how this feels. Please continue to take time for yourself - you need to "recharge your batteries" with activities you enjoy. Don't feel guilty abou it. And remember that "dreams don't have expiration dates." I hope you feel better soon.

Karen K. from Maryland

Crossed Yarns said...

Dear Val. I totally understand how you feel. For more years than I care to remember, I put myself last as I brought up my children,managed a household and maintained a profession. In addition, my parents were constantly 'playing up' with unresolved marital issues and as migrants to Australia they didn't have other friends their age and from our culture who would normally be their support group. I got dragged into all sorts of issues! The trick is to make sure that you and your needs feature in the picture. Work out what help you give to parents and other dependants and what assistance needs to be paid for either by yourself or by themselves. Then plan your life, and go get it. Above all, love yourself, stop the guilt trip and find happiness
{hugs}

Pointed Stitcher said...

Your stitching looks great and I sent you an email.

Mary said...

Sometimes we do feel overwhelmed, because we ARE! It's OK and it'll pass - try hard to take care of yourself and do something you enjoy.

Sandie V is a really fun teacher - I know that's something you'll enjoy!

Mary in MN

Lois said...

Two lovely finishes and such a nice new start.

I hope that you can begin to feel better about things. I think January can be such a difficult month for many people.

Dani - tkdchick said...

Val, take some time to take care of yourself. You're no good to anyone if your batteries are completely drained!

Lovely finishes and a great new start! Take comfort in your stitching, I know I do at times.

Pumpkin said...

That's awesome Valerie! You should be at least happy about two finishes :o)

Being the hermit type myself, I can see where you're coming from. Unfortunately you need to make the effort to get out and do things. But do things for you! You need to take care of yourself :o)

Sally said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling out of sorts Valerie {{{hugs}}}. I know just where you're coming from and even though I have my DH and one DD at home there are times when I still feel so alone.

Love your sweet little angel and the BBD bird. Gorgeous finishes.

Valentine Rose is looking lovely so far. I hope to get Snow Garden finished this week.

Suzanne said...

Great finishes! Nice new start on the BBD piece.