Saturday, May 16, 2009

Seven Stages of Grief

Each time *the boy* goes to the doctor, I get thrown into a turmoil of emotions.

Shock = What?! Jawdrops to the floor and I wonder if the doctor actually said what I think I heard.

Pain and Guilt = I feel bad that I am taking things worse than *the boy* and I wonder if I hadn't fought with him that day, he wouldn't have gone to North Beach and gotten assaulted.

Anger = Resent being thrust into the role of caretaker for this guy I had only been dating for 4 months and at this point he's been well the same amount of time as he's been broken. Shoot, all I really wanted out of this relationship was basic dating fun...dinners out, see a few shows, have someone to go out and do stuff with. This relationship is *a lot* of fricking work!! I'm quite tired. I think I've bent over backwards for *the boy* considering the circumstances and most people think I'm the most amazing girlfriend but it's hard to feel amazing amongst all the anger and resentment.

Depression: Between madness at work, madness with family and dealing with a broken boyfriend who has the worst luck ever and I am convinced is jinxed or that someone has a voodoo doll in his likeness stuck with a gazillion pins locked in some drawer somewhere, it is quite hard to keep a positive attitude. In fact, my attitude has gotten quite negative, snarky and completely downright annoyed. I try to stay home to not subject the public with the bad luck that is my life as of late.

Right now, I am stuck between anger and depression.

Upward turn, reconstruction and acceptance will follow soon.

If you haven't guessed yet, *the boy* recent doctor appointment did not go well. His leg is not healing and he has to remain on crutches for another 8 weeks which would hit the six month mark. He is allowed to put 40 pounds worth of weight on his leg which is only 1/5th his weight so it's not like 40 pounds is a lot but at least it's something. He is also going to start using a bone stimulation machine to see if the electrical impulses will help prod along his bone growth.

Eight. More. Weeks. Just shoot me now.

If the bone isn't healed after six months, he will be put into a program monitoring his progress each month for the following three months. Ummm, that would be another three months of the same crutching around crap.

After nine months, if that goddamn bone hasn't healed, he has to go in for bone grafting surgery. Yea...that's not good. Worse case scenario.

This is way more than I signed up for. out and stuff...shows...happy hours...movies...festivals...walks around the neighborhood. That is my life! Not this caretaking, multiple errand running, super chauffering life I've been roped into. I'm at a complete loss of what I should do.


CindyMae said...

I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with this. My prayers are with you and "the boy"!

Missy Ann said...


Natasha said...

(((HUGS))) I can only hope that things turn around for you soon.

Ann Marie said...

Don't get caught up in the "What if I did something different ..." line of thinking. This is not your fault. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

As far as what you should do, please, put yourself first for a change. Look into your heart and figure out what will be best for you and your happiness. The answer might result in making some tough decisions that might affect others, but it's time for you to take care of and nurture yourself.

And you know that all of what I say comes from a place of love. I just want you to be happy. (HUGS)

Theresa said...

I totally agree with Ann Marie, your happiness should come first. I'm so sorry to hear about the doctor's visit, I truely hope everything will turn around for you soon.

Carol R said...

Sorry to hear such bad news about *the boy*. I wish him a fast healing time. Only you know how you feel! Take care - my thoughts are with you both.

[[[much hugs]]]

Mary Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry about his health. I hope to see you soon. Mary E.

Meari said...

Wow, I didn't realize you'd only been dating *the boy* for such a short amount of time. I can imagine how disenchanted you must feel. ((hugs)) I agree with Anne Marie, also.