Monday, January 26, 2009

Not Feeling Talkative

I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm cranky. I'm sleep-deprived. I'm on edge. I would give a $100 to have an entire day to driving around the entire Bay chores...just me, the tv and my stitching. But after being off work for almost a week, I can't take a day for myself...too much to do and too many people depending on me to keep on keeping on. So...I do.

Despite getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, I feel like I haven't slept at all. A million thoughts race through my head. What *the boy* needs to do. What I need to do. What I need to buy. What I need to fix. Where I need to go. How to maximize my time.

The good: *the boy* was released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon. I went to the East Bay to get him settled at his friend's house since my 50 steps up and 50 steps down would not be conducive to anyone on crutches. He looks and feels better everyday which is a relief considering he looked a tad scary...and still kind of does. But it's all getting better. He rescheduled his interview for Wednesday and his friend is driving him. Yay! I hope he gets it. He also isn't requiring as much pain medication as the doctors expected so that's a positive as well.

The bad: I spent the entire week/weekend dealing with hospital, medication-induced hallucinations(not mine), transportation, driving around the entire Bay Area twice, buying groceries for a boy who seemingly drinks gallons upon gallons of water, juice and gatorade, packing up all his belongings and carting them to the East Bay and doing my laundry plus his laundry AND doing a visit to the parentals. Not one minute was mine...and if I did happen upon a minute...I was staring off into space because I was just that tired and no longer had any energy for anything. I feel robbed of my weekend...the two days that go by so fast to begin with and I hold so dear. *The boy* will need help for the next eight weeks and so for the next eight weekends, I'll be making my round trip around the Bay Area...which means less stitching than I'm currently getting done. Stitching...which keeps me centered and sane. Less stitching makes me sad....and more driving and chores makes me cranky. I kind of wonder if *the boy* realizes that this act of violence doesn't only affect him. That it affects me too. And I wonder if he appreciates all that I have done before, during and will do after. This relationship has already given me lots of tests...did I really need a test this difficut on top of everything? I guess I'm feeling a little beaten down.

And...more sad because I had told *the boy* before the assault, that if he got this job (that he's interviewing for on Wednesday), I wanted us to go out for a nice romantic date on Valentine's Day. We hadn't done anything totally romantic since his move to the Bay Area and it doesn't look like we'll be doing anything romantic for quite some time now. I guess this will be like any other Valentine's Day from years' past. Quiet, unromantic and no fun.

Thank you to everyone who commented and emailed me your kind thoughts, prayers and offers to help. It humbles me to know I have wonderful friends in cyberspace. I greatly appreciate your time and caring.


CraftyT said...

chin up... Even though you cant do the traditional V-Day night pack a small dinner in a picinc basket a blanket or two, to stay cozy and head to a favorite spot.ypur place or the beach etc....

lite some candles put on some Marvin Gay and have yourself a nice romantic night at home minus the two hour wait to get seated at a resturant.

I am happy to hear he was releaded,dont worry the next weeks will fly by.
Take Care

Carol R said...

Natasha has said it all .. you don't need an expensive restaurant to celebrate ..

Sending healing thoughts to 'the boy' and to you too - you sound like you need them too!


Ann Marie said...

Take an afternoon off. Skip an evening class. Go home and turn off the phone. Don't check your e-mail. Go "off the grid" so to speak. Spend the time napping, stitching, watching a movie ... whatever makes you feel centered.

You are absolutely right in that this incident has affected you as well. Likewise, you also need time to recover as well. It's not selfish to make your well-being the priority; in fact, it would probably help you both in the long run as you will feel less stressed and/or resentful.

Echoing the others on making the 14th romantic without a fancy dinner or evening out. At the end of the night, it's about the time you spend with the person.

Diane said...

Remember that this is only a temporary situation. Eight weeks might seem like forever looking forward, but it's really not very long looking back. You've both been affected in very real, but very different ways. He may not fully realize all of the sacrifices you are making, but he surely appreciates what he does understand.

February 14 is just a date on the calendar. You can celebrate your feelings for one another any (every) day of the year. don't get hung up on the hype. The romantic dinner out can wait until he's healed - and you'll probably have a better shot at getting a reservation before 11:30 PM, too!

Melissa said...

it really is hard when your world has been turned upside down. I'm the same as you, if I don't get to stitch, I become a crabby, crabby person.

I agree with what everyone says about Valentine's Day. Some of the best one's me and DH has had, is us cooking one of our favorite meals and staying at home.

Lisa said...

While I don't want to echo the wonderful words of those before me, I would like to re-interate the importance to taking time for yourself. Being the "do all" person in my family of 2sons & 1husband - I always wonder if they fully appreciate everything I do, especially when I "choose" to make the sacrifices of all I "need" to make my day pleasant (ex. exercising, sleeping, stitching, napping, reading). Typically they don' I find it necessary to remind my self: these sacrificies are choices I make and if I cannot feel good about them, then it is time I need to re-evaluate what I am doing. Acknowledging that...I take the time I need to do the things I want (i.e. taking a break from the 'other' situation) without guild...because at that moment it is time to take care of ME!

So...remember, you are important! It is ok to take time out for yourself!

Thoughts and prayer for you and those you love are on their way!

Stitch on....Lisa