I'm tired. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm cranky. I'm sleep-deprived. I'm on edge. I would give a $100 to have an entire day to myself...no errands...no obligations...no driving around the entire Bay Area...no chores...just me, the tv and my stitching. But after being off work for almost a week, I can't take a day for myself...too much to do and too many people depending on me to keep on keeping on. So...I do.
Despite getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, I feel like I haven't slept at all. A million thoughts race through my head. What *the boy* needs to do. What I need to do. What I need to buy. What I need to fix. Where I need to go. How to maximize my time.
The good: *the boy* was released from the hospital on Saturday afternoon. I went to the East Bay to get him settled at his friend's house since my 50 steps up and 50 steps down would not be conducive to anyone on crutches. He looks and feels better everyday which is a relief considering he looked a tad scary...and still kind of does. But it's all getting better. He rescheduled his interview for Wednesday and his friend is driving him. Yay! I hope he gets it. He also isn't requiring as much pain medication as the doctors expected so that's a positive as well.
The bad: I spent the entire week/weekend dealing with hospital, medication-induced hallucinations(not mine), transportation, driving around the entire Bay Area twice, buying groceries for a boy who seemingly drinks gallons upon gallons of water, juice and gatorade, packing up all his belongings and carting them to the East Bay and doing my laundry plus his laundry AND doing a visit to the parentals. Not one minute was mine...and if I did happen upon a minute...I was staring off into space because I was just that tired and no longer had any energy for anything. I feel robbed of my weekend...the two days that go by so fast to begin with and I hold so dear. *The boy* will need help for the next eight weeks and so for the next eight weekends, I'll be making my round trip around the Bay Area...which means less stitching than I'm currently getting done. Stitching...which keeps me centered and sane. Less stitching makes me sad....and more driving and chores makes me cranky. I kind of wonder if *the boy* realizes that this act of violence doesn't only affect him. That it affects me too. And I wonder if he appreciates all that I have done before, during and will do after. This relationship has already given me lots of tests...did I really need a test this difficut on top of everything? I guess I'm feeling a little beaten down.
And...more sad because I had told *the boy* before the assault, that if he got this job (that he's interviewing for on Wednesday), I wanted us to go out for a nice romantic date on Valentine's Day. We hadn't done anything totally romantic since his move to the Bay Area and it doesn't look like we'll be doing anything romantic for quite some time now. I guess this will be like any other Valentine's Day from years' past. Quiet, unromantic and no fun.
Thank you to everyone who commented and emailed me your kind thoughts, prayers and offers to help. It humbles me to know I have wonderful friends in cyberspace. I greatly appreciate your time and caring.