Monday, September 18, 2006


He winks at her...

She winks back...

He tells her he's not interested and she is dumbfounded. Why wink if not interested! She moves on.

He writes her like nothing happened and introduces himself and says he'd like to learn more about her.

She's bitter with dating life and the games and wants no part of it now. She tells him so...nicely. Thanks...but boy said he wasn't interested in why email now. Girl just doesn't have the time for games and wishes boy the best of luck in the future...with his job and with match.

She gets email. Email reads as such...

I'm very, very sorry. This is not *stupid idiot boy* this is his soon to be ex-girlfriend. It is against my heart to email you thru his account but after I caught him cheating and sleeping with other girls, I thought he would change but the trust is no longer the same. He promised and I accepted it but that's it! He is very charming guy that is why he is comfortable joining several online dating and have multiple GF at the same time. I'm sorry to bother you_ this is a nightmare for me and I had never than this before. You seem to be a smart, pretty, and educated lady_ I just hope you will chase the right dream. Lastly, please dont reply him thru this email because I want to be safe. He has a hot temper, and I live alone. Thank you for your time, and I hope you'll understand.

Great...maybe it's time for the girl to take a break. She is really tired and all the duds and losers are really taking their toll on her. She's tired and frustrated and discouraged. The hope has pretty much diminished. She is single. She has been single for a long time and she'll be single for a long time to be. She's tried to change no avail. Getting an email off a dating service from a guy's girlfriend was pretty much the last straw. It's time for the girl to dig out her Alanis, PJ Harvey, Cranberries and Avril Lavigne albums and just blast music and give in to the angst. Shit...and it's almost the girl's birthday so she can bitch and be pissed if she wants to right!? Isn't that how the song goes? No...oh well. I like my version better.

So...emails from girlfriends was the last draw...or was it...


So the girl goes to her local mattress store to take care of yet another bed problem. The bed which has been the bane of her existance and the cause of a few anxiety attacks. The girl thought that getting a new bed would give her more sleep but that wasn't really the case. But the saga was almost over...just one more visit to the manager guy and she was done. As she walks into the store, she sees the manager guy along with two of his co-workers. One who the girl hadn't seen before but was immediately recognizable as a match guy. One who had winked at her...but whom she never bothered even communicating with. That was an awkward situation for the girl. She recognized him, she was pretty sure that he recognized her. She didn't feel as anonymous going about her life anymore when she can bump into people whose picture she's seen online just going to the mattress store. She hurried with the business at hand and left thinking that the match guy could track her down if he really wanted to. Her name, address and phone number was readily available at his fingertips through one of the mattress store's computers...She was a customer.

Being on match REALLY didn't seem like a good idea anymore.


Girl is going about her business at work. She pulls a notice and realizes what one of the fireguy's middle name is. She stops and ponders that perhaps the guy she's seen on match and always thought *hey, he kinda looks like so-n-so* is actually her co-worker. That match guy uses the fireguy's middle name as his screen name. She does the match on age and sign and realizes that...Crap! It really is him! She's clicked on his profile before...oh, weird! Why is all this match weirdness happening all at the same time!? It's embarrassing and she wonders about yet how many people at work have heard about this from the fireguy. Girl realizes that it's really time to be anonymous and that she can forget hope and the bullshit about *you never know*. It's time to really take the time for herself and relax and try to get a hold of herself and find herself again. It's just time...

Match is a fucking cesspool and the girl can barely stand even dealing with it for another minute...

Sunday, September 10, 2006



A date so significant in American history which also brings about much sadness.

Last night, I went to see World Trade Center. I had wanted to see the movie since I saw the previews of it. I was waiting to see it with a friend of mine...the only one who wanted to see the movie...but his schedule is so hectic that I just didn't want to wait any longer. And the weekend of 9/11/06...the fifth anniversary of such tragedy...seemed fitting. Many said that seeing recreations of that day was morbid and that they couldn't bring themselves to see a re-enactment. But to's a matter of showing respect in a way. It's based on reality, true events. People died that day...going about their daily routine...dropping their kids off at daycare, making deliveries, going to work, sitting at their desks. It was a normal least it was until 8:46am that day.

I was like most on the West Coast. Bleary-eyed, I turned on the tv right after waking up. It was my normal routine...wake up, turn on the tv and start getting ready for work. I stared at the tv wondering what movie I had flipped to, check the channel and realize that it's truly the news but what I was seeing was unreal. At the time, I still lived with my parents and I went upstairs to the kitchen where I found my father staring dumbfounded at the tv. I ask him what is going on and that's when the reality of everything truly sunk in. Planes flying into buildings, people jumping out, buildings collapsing, thousands dying. A war upon the nation. Something completely unthinkable...yet at that moment...that was what was happenning.

Five years ago, I worked for a life insurance firm. I lived in San Francisco...most of our clients did too. But we did have one client who lived in New York and the following day that client called to tell us that his two brother-in-laws died that day. They worked at the World Trade Center. Now our clients life revolved upon consoling a grief-stricken wife and her family. Our sadness was profound. But I was lucky...the events of that day didn't hurt me...or anyone I knew. BUt I can't help but think of the enormity of that day.

Now, five years later...I work for a fire department. It's a job I enjoy despite the gripping of lazy, selfish, spoiled firemen. Throughout my days, I see these men, many who I consider big brothers and many who wouldn't hesitate to help me if I needed it. Why? Because that's who they are. They are firemen...they help those who need it and in times of emergency and disaster are amazingly selfless. One day, I realized that a few of the firemen were wearing similar silver engraved bracelets and I asked what the significance was. I was told that they were bracelets of remembrance for 9/11...they were engraved with the names of their firefighter friends who died that day. It truly is a day that Americans will never forget and these firefighters will not allow themselves to.

Firefighters are selfless. They are the *boys in blue* that everyone wants to see... and they went to Ground Zero from everywhere...whether it was called upon or not. They either went on their own accord or were part of a Task Force sent to try and find survivors and recover victims. An awful job if you think about it. We send them to a battle zone, with limited knowledge and ask them to basically perform miracles. Some of the guys in my department were sent and I always wonder. How they could have gone to Ground Zero, seen such massive destruction and mortality up close and first-hand and come back to perform their normal duties seemingly unaffected. These guys that I joke around with and give a hard time too. They are America's heros. All Firefighters are...but more so are the 343 firefighters who gave their lives that day doing their job. Those who answered a call, saw the plane in the building and still went inside because helping people was their questions about it.

In remembrance of the 2, 973 people who died including the 343 New York City firefighters, I write this because it's a day to remember...not a day to forget.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Glass Half Empty

I guess I should write.

A part of me has been avoiding this...this unveiling of feelings. I hoped that my mood would change. That I would get back into my old groove of entertaining and feeling entertained. Of me being my normal high strung, sarcastic, honest yet kind and loyal self. But lately, I've just been cynical, stressed, depressed and sad. I don't see that changing anytime soon. Especially now...with birthdays (including mine) and the holidays quickly approaching and I am once again...alone. Stop! I don't want to hear about how I am not alone...and that I have my friends and my family that love me and my hobbies and my interests, etcetera and etcetera. I don't want to hear it...because most likely, the people who say comments like that are in a relationship and/or married. You're life is set and you say those things to make me feel better but secretly you're glad you don't have to deal with the dating cesspool. Your happy...yet you want to hear my stories to *live vicariously through me*. I was more than willing to entertain for my *public* before but right now, I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I can't handle it...

Knowing that I am the aspiring, or shall I say, wannabee chick lit novelist, a friend of mine gave me a chick lit book to read with the statement that parts of it reminded her of me and of another friend. I decided to cancel my original plans for the weekend and read the book. Frankly, I couldn't handle being social so hiding in my apartment with lots of snacks sounded incredibly appealing. I hunkered down last night and started *Something Borrowed* by Emily Giffin. To be honest, once I saw the cover, I wasn't too keen on reading the book. A huge engagement ring graced the cover and the book was based on what else...the scenes around an upcoming wedding. Considering I can't even find a guy to date for more than a month...I was more interested in reading *Marley and Me* but as always, the curiousity got the better of me. Immediately into the book, I knew I was being compared to *Rachel* and that one of our mutual friends was *Darcy*. Phrases like consummate good girl, being a glass half empty person, not having had a date or been laid in months, always making the compromise. All that is me. People say I am negative, pessimistic and glass half empty. I say I'm realistic. Seriously, people need to get their head out of the clouds. The book was good but I didn't really like realizing how much I compromise and feeling just like *Rachel*. The insecurities and frustration, the hope and dissapointment. In the end, *Rachel* did get her guy after a long series of potholes and bumps along the way. Maybe my friend wanted to tell me that it will happen for me someday. Honestly, I'm in *old maid mode*. After six years alone, I ready for a honest to goodness great relationship. The dating cesspool really is not producing anyone of quality. People think I'm too picky...I say I am not. My partner needs to be my best friend...not just anyone is a person's best friend. It's because of a connection. I need that!

Being single has really gotten me down. It's been six years. I am ready for the sharing, the cuddling, the sex, love and having someone to share my thoughts, dreams, sadness and jubilance with. And not having someone like that is slowly draining any happiness I feel.

I know that having someone isn't the end all, be all. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, an apartment I love and a job I, most times, enjoy. But it's not enough. I want a special someone. I want a *Valerie and so-and-so* given phrasing that all couples have. I want to have someone to wake up next to, to cuddle on the couch with and share all my secrets with.

Today, I got home from a movie that I went to alone and checked the mail. I received a card addressed to *Valerie & Guest*. I wasn't totally surprised. I knew that one was coming soon but this was not the one I was expecting. Many of you may remember I work for a fire department. One of the firefighters whom I get along with very well is turning 50 next month and his dear, sweet wife, sent me an invitation to the party. Awesome! B is turning 50! That's huge! I totally love B...not love in a *I lust after him* way. He is like this fun, joking big brother who likes to play pranks and tricks on me at work but is nice and sweet that once in a while, he'll treat me to lunch or invite me to the station for lunch with the crew. He is sweet and instantly treated me like *family* and gave me warnings about being careful who I date and to *stay away from cops and firefighters*. He is basically the older brother I wish I had. I was surprised to receive this invitation though since I only met his wife once. It's a totally sweet gesture and I want to share in B's birthday festivities. But the *guest* part saddens me. I have no guest to I will most likely go by myself. By myself...I do everything by myself. I hate going to parties by myself. Because then I have to listen to phrases like...

You're here by yourself?
You're such an attractive girl, I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend?
I have this friend I can set you up with!
Are you seeing anyone? No one? Really?

So my birthday will be spent alone, I will go to B's birthday alone, will go to the work christmas party alone, spend the holidays alone and basically feel like I am doomed to a life alone.

And despite feeling utterly alone, I can't bring myself to spend time with people because they can't seem to understand my profound melancholy. And frankly, being a third or fifth wheel doesn't make me feel happy. If my options are being a third wheel or alone, I'll take alone. I don't want to avert my eyes from the sweet gestures that I haven't experienced in years and be forced to think about my unfulfilled hope...once again.

So glass isn't even half empty right's completely empty and I'm not happy about it at all.