Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I'm Too Tired for My Life!

So completely and utterly so! I think back to the days when I had all the time in the world and was so upset that my life was devoid of entertainment. Those days that I was home more nights than I was out and that I trolled around online trying to find a way to entertain myself. Now...I'm lucky to have an evening to myself. I miss it...more than anyone can know. I know that part of it has to do with me and my inability to say *No*. I hate to disappoint and so I overbook myself. Not that I am totally complaining. I enjoy the time I spend out with my friends and my *you never know* mentality always tries to accomodate the strange men that I meet online. Some of these guys were gems and others were duds.

Sometimes I wonder why I stretch myself so thin. I know I am low energy. I know I need at least three nights a week to myself to catch up on home stuff, online stuff and vegging around to watch tv stuff. I need it! It helps me completely function and if I do not have these evenings to myself...I become an anxious, stressed out basketcase. Literally! And that is now my existance. There are a lot of things I miss...

*I miss having awesome, popcorn munching, couch potatoing nights on the futon watching mindless tv...by myself.

*I miss going on aimless walks in the city...and actually attempting to be healthy and exercise and do power walks.

*I miss catching all the movies I am curious about at the theater...instead of on video.

*I miss knitting...I can't even remember the last time I picked up the sticks!

*I miss stitching and in my hopes to get back into it, I ordered a birth announcement kit to make for my cousin who is expecting her first. She has always asked me to stitch something for her. I hope and wonder if I will finish it in time. 4 months? I may be screwed. I'll trust in hopeful thinking and that I'll run into a slow phase soon.

*I miss having everything the way I want it even if it isn't necessarily dust-free. My apartment is always a work in progress. It's starting to look great...but not terrific. I want terrific.

*I miss my dad...I guess I miss my mom too...just not the complaining. I am happy they are coming back soon.

*I miss having someone to cuddle on the couch and be lazy with. Part of the reason I am so busy is because I am in search of a couch cuddler. Who knew a good one was so hard to find!?

*I miss having all my friends closeby...and I miss going out with all of them.

*I miss being able to blog on a semi-regular basis.

*I miss being a kid but I'm realistic. Obviously that can't be changed! I just miss being carefree...damn responsibility!!

Yea...I miss a lot of things...and I am really, really tired!


The day after my friend Bob and I were run out of the pub by the super nerdy trivia freaks, Bob's dad passed away. He had known it was a matter of days and had prepared himself as well he could. I have to say that he kept his composure very well. His friends kept him as preoccupied as possible until he had to drive south to be with his mom and I was getting things together to help him for the job interview he had today. He says that went well and I am very happy for him but in awe that he was able to handle a job interview less than a week after his father passed away. I'm sad for him though...I can just imagine what it is like to lose a parent. And it makes me wonder how many years I have left with mine. It makes me realize that I should spend more time with them...even though they complain...even though they are needy and they drive me crazy...I should spend more time with them because you never know. Life is too short to live it regretful of the past if you can change the past in the present.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The Art of Being Human...

I've just come home from a night at the pub with my friend Bob where we were run out of the place by nerdy ass people trying to take our table for pub trivia night. I left 3/4 of my Newcastle on the table after the 5th person asked us to give up our table and Bob threw a fit and ran out of the bar. I, of course, had to run after him to make sure he's ok. It's not a good time for either of us. His father is very, very ill and I have a lot in my head. But I needed to see him to make sure he is holding up ok and he needed to see me to have a link to friends and the real world. I am always that to Bob...he never upsets me. We called it an early night and as I drove home, the following thoughts drifted in and out. I need to let them loose...there is so much on my mind lately.

*Despite the together exterior, I have my faults and doubts...I am human.

*I will go to the end of the earth for the people I care about...even if those people don't realize how much I care about them or go to the end of the earth for me.

*If something horrible happened to me and I needed someone to drop everything and come to my rescue, I could count on three people. Those people probably don't know or care that I write about them and I like that.

*I have my apartment and job and whereas that is wonderful and I love it, the fact that my social and dating life is a shambles totally overshadows what I've accomplished in the last year.

*I know that is bad. I love my apartment and that Richard helps me with every little thing. I love my job and the guys and that I am like a little sister to many and that my sarcasm is taken with a grain of salt and a smirk instead of a sharp retort meant to hurt. These guys are the best. I laugh at my nicknames of *snitch* and *tall girl*. I know that despite the criticism, I am appreciated.

*Sad that I feel appreciated by coworkers...people who pay me to do a job rather than friends and family I have known for years.

*Sad that I do things I don't really feel like doing to avoid hurt feelings. I am too nice sometimes. In the end, my feelings are the ones that get hurt. I don't know why I bother.

*I am tired of dating but feel like if I stop, I may miss out on the golden opportunity. Some may say that it has already come, is standing right in front of me and I just won't accept it. I feel like mine has already passed and I was too self-involved to realize it.

*I will always love *The Ex*. Even though all he does now is ignore and hurt me. After all my dating, I realize that I took him for granted...all these guys suck! I miss being loved and put on a pedestal and sex and cuddling and just being cared for. The guys I've been dating just don't do it for me. It drives me nuts...he drives me nuts...these guys I date drives me nuts! It all drives me nuts...but the one thing I know is that sex with *The Ex* is the best I have ever had and now that's the standard. With the pedestal and the great sex and being in love....the standard is practically elusive. I'm single forever.

*And in my angst of thinking I am single forever because all I do is try and try and try, I am surrounded by friends and people who are married (happily or not), in relationships, spawning kids and all I hear about is that is all great (or not) and how they live vicariously though me. Great...now I'm the entertainment. I really don't want to hear about how you're lives are great and *thank god I don't have to date and I don't know how you do it*. Yea...I don't know how I do it either! It drives me nuts and I am not the entertainment and if you think I am...please fucking pay for admission. I'm sick of this...I'm sick of it! I'm not even kidding.

*I think it's strange that I have three friends/acquaintences who have mentioned introducing me to their friends. That's weird. But considering I meet strange men off the internet...how weird can it be. You never know...

*You Never Know*...that is now my motto in life. The not knowing is at times just a curiousity but the knowing can be either a surprise or a big disappointment. Usually...it's a disappoinment.

*People may call me pessimistic. I call myself realistic. Helloww! Look around sometime.

*I've gained 8 pounds since I started my job. I feel fat. I love that my friend Bob tells me that I'm beautiful. I wish I could find a guy that I was attracted to and into, that would say that to me. For the time being, I guess it's good that I have nice and caring male friends. I now need to lose 10 pounds. I wish the people at work would stop bringing sweets. I have no willpower when it comes to baked goods.

*I feel melancholy and wish that others would consider that I may not be happy despite the fact that they are...I try...but sometimes I can't relate or I just can't let go of what's going on right now. It may be considered selfish. I just consider it my turn...it's about time I try to get my life in order considering how much I give or have given to others.

*I like that I finally got some of this off my chest. I try not to bottle things up but it's hard not to sometimes.

*Take from this what you will...just remember that these are my thoughts and they are my feelings.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Kissing Ass...

So last week, one of the head honchos at work said to me as I was leaving "Valerie, I'll give you a call later and you can meet me and Bill for sushi". I was a little surprised. It came out of the blue and well, I'm just a little cog in the whole wheel. But me and this head honcho get along really well and he knows that I am interested in moving over towards his section of the department as soon as I take a class or two to really gauge my interest. If I move into inspection, my benefits and pay are much, much better not to mention the uniform bit. Not that I think me in a inspector uniform will be a cool thing. For me...it's all about ease. I don't have to buy clothes or worry about what I'm going to wear. It's all picked out for me! Anyways, my first class starts in September and I have made it very clear that I have enrolled and paid for this class already. I am serious here...not feeding him a line. And me mentioning it just keeps that knowledge fresh in his mind.

I had a doctor's appointment that evening for the horrific *plague* that wouldn't end but decided that I will make the effort to go if the head honcho actually called. Kissing ass could only help me right? I want to move over to his section of the department eventually. Being a good sport was essential. I got a call around 7pm telling me where to meet them and how to get there. I'm an okay fan of sushi...fairly adventurous. I usually let people order for me in sushi places because I am still trying to figure out what I like and don't like. So I got there and drank plenty of sake and they ordered a round of food for me. So basically, they order stuff and see how I react to eating it. Remember, it's all about being a good sport. When I got there, they had yellowfin cheeks on the table...that was yummy! Don't worry...it was cooked. I would have been happy with that but there was more to come. Soft shell crab roll...yummy! Sweet shrimp with fried shrimp heads...ummm, shrimp was good...shrimp heads...ewww! There is just something about eating brains and eyeballs that gets to me. So I didn't get too far there...pretty far but not all the way. What else...what else? There was spicy tuna roll which was good if not a bit more spicy than I am used to and scallops which were yummy! I love scallops...I don't care if they are raw...they are delish either way. But the one thing that I could not eat...that was worse than the fried shrimp head was the uni roll. I, of course, did not know what the heck *uni* was. It clearly did not look appetizing despite the head honcho and Bill raving about how *great and fresh* the uni was. Great and Fresh?!?! Umm...yea...it doesn't look great and fresh! It looks kind of gross but I am supposed to be a good sport, remember? So I try the uni...and could barely swallow the stuff. People...stay away from the uni! It's disgusting...and for you anglo people like me (ok, kind of anglo), uni is sea urchin! Considering it hardly looks appetizing in it's live form, it shouldn't be surprising that it isn't appetizing in it's pretending to be food form. Ugh...still grossed out.

But you know what? They paid for my dinner AND I earned some major brownie points. Sometimes sucking it up...and keeping it down (literally!!) is absolutely necessary! And hopefully, this little eating adventure will help me out in the long run...

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Just a Casual Fling?!

Ok...I am sad to say that I only stuck with my "no dating" plan for a mere three weeks. But three weeks is good, right? Aw C'mon...give me some credit! I've been dating nonstop for over two years and was actually able to take down my profile, read Harry Potter #7, watch Season #1 of Grey's Anatomy, catch up with friends and relax before I felt like I had too much time on my hands and started scamming for guys again. And I hit it off with someone who was fun for a couple of weeks but truly the epitome of a casual fling. It took longer for me to get the sunglasses I accidentally left behind at his place back than the actual fling. But you know what...having a casual fling was nice...weird and completely different for me...but nice. It was exciting, he was fun and HOT and for once, I wasn't stressed out about expectations, what he wants, what I want, what he feels, what I feel. It just flowed, happened and was fun. It was nice to find out that things don't always have to feel so pressured.

Amongst the Living...Kinda

One 8oz. bottle of Robitussin DM
One 4 oz. bottle of Robitussin with Codeine
One box of Mucinex
One half bag of leftover Cherry-Honey Ricola cough drops
One half bag of new Honey-Herb Ricola cough drops
One little bottle thingy of antibiotic eye drops
2 days spent home sick and dying...ok...not dying...but comatose and knocked out from meds
2 doctors appointments at Kaiser
One box of kleenex
Many, Many dirty spoons so I could take the cursed cough medicine
Much whining
Much complaining
Much coughing and hacking all over the place
Purell Anti-bacterial stuff
Lots of sleep on some days...no sleep on others

And after 16 days...I feel almost human again. Almost...but not quite. I feel congested and tired and can sleep 10 hours yet feel like I slept none at all. But at least I'm not comatose the whole day and I can focus at work and not hack all over the place. Oh yea...and my coworkers aren't telling me that I look like crap. Thanks guys...because..yea, hearing I look like crap makes me feel loads better. Helloww!!

Let me tell you...thing sick stuff sucks ass. Now I have to catch up on all the stuff I couldn't do when laid up like cleaning, organizing and decorating...and oh, yea...blogging.