Damn...

It's been two weeks already?! Where does the time go?!

I got stories..and stories...and more stories. I just need to try and sit down to type them all!

I hope you all have a sunny fabulous weekend! Here is to no more rain...Yay!!

Dear Neighbor...

I’m the new girl who lives above you. I’m a pretty good neighbor. I don’t throw parties, I try to take off my high-heeled shoes when I get home so I don’t clunck around the apartment and stomp all around your head. I haven’t been playing music or movies loud since I’ve barely been home. Yes, there’s the occasional Cash or Buble singing moment but they are legends in their own time and I have a pretty decent singing voice so you are getting entertained for free!

You’re a pretty decent neighbor. I don’t hear *much* noise. But I don’t care what the landlord says, I *know* they haven’t insulated the ceiling between our apartments. I can hear the mumbling of voices. I can hear your wife or girlfriend’s laugh, which is kinda high-pitched. I also can hear when she slams the frigging door to the apartment and yells at you in the hallway. Hellow!! The hallway is communal…you want to quiet it down over there?! Jeez…all I want in life is quiet...like that’s so much to ask. Especially at night! Thank god I’m not hearing you guys go at it because frankly, I can’t even deal with that stuff.

But what drives me close to insane is the snoring. Dude...really...go to a sleep clinic. Your snoring wakes *me* up. I sleep in a different apartment and hear you! And even though the high-pitched laughing, yelling at you girlfriend/wife annoys me...I feel bad for her being stuck sleeping with you. You must be hot or something...or she must be a very deep sleeper. But unfortunately, I'm stuck being a light sleeper now...and your snoring wakes me up! It makes me very cranky and tired on those mornings that I wake up wondering what woke me up and then listen carefully and hear the low but constant rumbling coming from your apartment. Grrrr!! Stop snoring! I'm sleep deprived because of you!

Would it be ok to slip a sleep clinic brochure and the bill for my earplugs under your door?? *sigh*

Confessions of a Commitment-Phobe

Hello…my name is Valerie and I am a commitment-phobe.

And the sad truth is that I so am! I know this…I realize it…I can’t help it! I have the strongest “get out and run” reflex this side of the Mississippi. And I always have. I have no idea what my issue is! I have a very strong independent streak. I am stubborn. I am picky. I know what I want…sometimes. But when it comes to men…I freak out, get nervous and stressed out and it just becomes easier for me to leave than figure out what is making me feel the way I feel.

So I recently met a guy who is the guy in my head. I’m not sure if that makes sense. But I think everyone goes around with the image of the guy they see themselves with. I realize that in life, that doesn’t always happen. So *the guy* is tall, has dark features, has the absurdedly coveted goatee, is attractive, smart, funny and an all around good guy. So what is the problem? There isn’t really anything wrong with him at all. Not at all! And if I had to really think about why things could be a total bust…the only things that come to mind are that he isn’t as bold or aggressive as I am used to and that he lives farther than I would like. Considering that we’ve only been on four dates, that isn’t really a deal breaker. He can be shy. He can be very respectful and over analyzing what I mean by “going slow” from my match profile.

The other day, I called my dear friend to kind of get her point of view. Of course, I never come out and just say it. I ask her how she ended up meeting her husband and how things were in the beginning, etc. before I go into details of *the guy*.

She stops and asks me “So, what excuse are you coming up with now?”

Me: What do you mean?

Her: C’mon Valerie, you are such a commitment-phobe. What’s wrong with *the guy*?

Me: Start laughing hysterically in the middle of grocery store (I may be banned from TJ’s now for being a crazy person!) Well, nothing really is wrong with *the guy*. He’s nice and sweet and gives me my space and is really understanding but he isn’t very aggressive and he lives kinda far and it seems like a drag.

Her: Some people have weekend relationships and he’s just shy. Reee-lllaaaaxx! Have fun with it.

Me: Yea, yea…you’re right. What’s wrong with me? How come I always freak out? He’s a nice guy. He’s *the guy* in my head. People look at his picture and know why I’m with him. Why am I so friggin’ phobic!?

I am totally phobic. I realize this and it frustrates me. I am scared of many things. I am scared of losing my personal time. I am scared of having to answer to someone else. I am scared of letting my guard down enough to be completely taken over by someone. I am scared of giving my heart to another and having it stomped to bits. I am scared of falling in love and I am scared of someone falling in love with me. I completely and totally am scared of all of this and probably more. Do I have reason to be scared…yes…but not to the point of being this completely phobic that I am about to run away from *the guy* who fits the *hot guy with geeky qualities* that I have been looking for everywhere! I thought he didn’t exist but he does!

So I am going to take a step back, take a deep breath and RE-LAX and just see where things take me.

Please Stop Raining!!

Ugh...people can only take so much rain! Is this what the folks in Seattle go through? Now what they say about the insane amount of rain and depression and it being the state with the highest rate of suicide totally makes sense! I cannot take anymore rain!!

And of course, when the sun finally pokes through...I am sick and can't go out since I can barely walk three blocks without having the insane desire to pass out on the sidewalk. Yea...that'd be great! Can you imagine? And if something like that ever happened to me, the guys at work would hear about it and I'd never live it down.

It rained 25 days in March and we're probably going onto 5 days for April. Never do I remember as much rain in the Bay Area as this year.

It's spring! I want to go out and take a stroll in the crisp air, be excited about going to the park over the weekend, go to the outdoor festivals on a sunny Saturday and have all of the outdoors at my use without worrying about whether or not I have an umbrella, if I am wearing the right shoes or getting raindrops on my glasses. Ohhhh...I hate raindrops on my glasses. Because not only am I wet and cold...I'm also blind. Damn rain!! Give me a break!

Please, please stop the raining!!

The Art of Blogging

So I tell people that I blog...but how true is that?

We all know that I have not been blogging lately...and it isn't for a lack of wanting to. It's been more that I have been so insanely busy, I barely know what to do with myself. But I miss blogging and I miss my audience and I miss telling my outrageous insane stories. Seriously, I have no idea how I got my life...ok...I know how I came to exist and dude, I'd rather not think about that because that's kind of eeewwwww. Eewwwwww! Ugh I just grossed myself out. Ok, what I mean is that weird and strange shit happens to me...mainly because I internet date and well...there are some *cough* interesting characters out there. And with that territory comes interesting, crack me up, *NOWAY!* stories.

Life these past six months have been a roller coaster...but a fun one. A new job, a new apartment, a new city...everything has been a new change and a change for the better. I've dated here and there and have had fun but sometimes I think I take too much on. I haven't had the alone down time I am used to and that alone time is blog time baby! I want to be proud to say that *I blog...you should check me out at blahdeblah*...not *oh well, I kinda blog but I've been so busy I haven't had time lately but there are some good stories from a few months ago*. Yea...that DOES not cut it in my book!

The first step in the Art of Blogging is to blog and be proud of it! And that's just what I am going to do. So stay tuned to FogCityDweller for future programming.

R.I.P. Sean

In life, you come across people that stay with you forever and some that stay with you for just a moment. I was recently surprised and saddened to hear that this young, cute guy to the left, passed away. A interesting life that was taken away way too soon. It's hard to accept death, whether it be a family member or a friend. The truth of the matter is that Sean was neither to me. But I was still affected and sad.

So a week ago, I heard on the news that a surfer drowned at Ocean Beach. I didn't think much of it. Sadly, it's happened to many before. The waves and surf is pretty rough and frigid out there. A couple of days later, I grabbed the paper so I could read it and saw a picture of Sean on the front page and did a double take. The drowned surfer was him! Shock, surprise and disbelief.

About a year and a half ago, Sean was one of the guys I started talking to off of Match.com. He seemed smart, sweet, cute, interesting and an all around nice guy. We set up a time to meet and at the last moment, neurotic me cancelled our date and I never rescheduled. Life was too busy, I was too lazy to go through another "interview", he wasn't completely my type...whatever my lame excuse may have been...I always resented that I never contacted him to try and explain and reschedule. As the months went by, I would come across his profile on Match and think that maybe if I emailed him, I could apologize and maybe meet him for coffee. He just seemed like such a good guy amongst all the freaks and crazies I normally end up dating. But I never did...

I don't think I could have changed destiny or that I would have been able to save him that day if I was more involved in his life. He discovered a love for surfing and that love and thrill killed him. But I guess there is that feeling of "you never know what could have happpened".

To a wonderful life extinguished too early...Rest in Peace Sean.

Isn't it great...

when you feel like crap...you get comments like this...

"you could pass for 22 - being 30 looks so good on you. =)"

Bob...you are the greatest! Let me know if you need a backup singer for your band! =)

The Selfish Year

That's what I have proclaimed this year to be. Many may say that I was selfish enough this past year but in my mind, I consider 2005 to be the "lost year". Last year I spent way too much time and effort trying to get my life back on track while dating a conveyor line of losers. Ok, that's harsh. They weren't all losers...some were nice guys but they just weren't the guys for me. But despite 2005 being the lost year....all the hard work and sleepless nights and hard decisions finally came through. I found a job I love and just moved to an apartment and neighborhood that I never dreamed I could have. The sad part...or perhaps not so sad...was leaving the city. I no longer live in fog and that is probably the strangest part of everything. But deep down inside, I will always be a FogCityDweller...a city girl at heart with big city attitude. My small town coworkers seem to love the dripping sarcasm and the "get your act together" tone and I love that I am accepted for me and not this false act that I have to put on for work. The apartment is awesome! It's a mess and needs a loving touch which I haven't had the time or energy to put into the place yet but it has all the qualities I ever wanted. Of course, I would have wanted all this in the city but the rents are too high and I never would have been able to afford it. So now I get to work with firemen and live in an awesome pre-WWII apartment building two blocks from the main drag. Who couldn't be happier?!

So it took me a very long time to get this point and I am still not 100% "there". Finding a job and a place that I enjoy has been a challenge and I still need to find the man that compliments me. That seems to be the hardest thing ever! But for the time being...I need to be selfish. There are a lot of things I miss that I haven't had the time for lately. Blogging is one of them...as well as stitching, knitting, reading, watching movies and wandering aimlessly. I need to reclaim these things!

I still have the same mentality about dating. I date once in a while and if I can't make an immediate determination on attraction, I falter and falter big time. Why can't I come to the realization that it is pretty difficult to find a total stud muffin of a guy with a geek mentality? It's impossible! Give it up Valerie!! But I can't..I meet great guys that I seem to have loads in common with but in my mind...I see myself with studmuffin. Beauty is only skin deep...I know this. I get upset when guys just dish the compliments about my looks but not about my personality. So why am I a hypocrite in this area. I want to be appreciated for more than just my looks because there is more to me than that. Why can't I do the same?

And it doesn't help that when I do meet someone that I seem to get along with really well and am contemplating "giving it a chance" despite the whole attraction thing, the ex resurfaces and not in a good way. He's depressed and I am worried. And I worry for two reasons...worried because he seems so incredibly down and in the dumps and worried for the wave of emotions that takes over whenever I hear from him. I guess deep down, the feelings of love are still there. I love him...but I am not "in love" with him. We're too different and a pretty darn good sex life with him isn't enough to maintain anything. I just need to find that and more with someone else.

So as much as the new job and the new place have made me quite happy, I still need to focus on me and my likes and wants. I am not as settled or in the position that I would like to be.

My Apartment is Winning!

I give up! I am sitting here knowing that I should be taking the time to clean my apartment. If it was a game between me vs. the apartment...the apartment is winning. You guys should now be worried. I mean, if you don't hear from me for a while, it may just be because the apartment won and I am now buried under the 100 cd's that fell on the floor, magazines, mail, xmas items, old computer parts and all the other crap that is littered all over the place. Who has time for cleaning! And if I have the time...that usually is the last thing I want to do.

I need to clean...I mean...it's xmas time and I want to put up my tree...but I just started looking at apartments because...yup, I need to move. I want to move closer to work because the commute is killing me! So should I put up the tree of just pack up my stuff. I mean, I don't want to move right at the new year...just thinking about it freaks me out but at the same time...what the heck am I waiting for. I think I'll put up the tree and just start packing everything else to prepare fpr the day when I find THE place.

Wish me luck!

Happy Turkey Day!!

Happy Thanksgiving! Sorry for the disappearance…yet again. Things seriously have gotten crazy for me lately and that is minus all the insane dating. I mean…I still date…once in a while. But nowhere near the confusing and time consuming guy juggling that I was doing earlier in the year. And you know what that means…not as many interesting stories! I know…you guys are crushed!

A good friend of mine reminded me that one of the hardest times of transition for someone is when they start a new job and I cannot agree with her more right now. I started my new job in August…3 months ago! I am still trying to find my routine and without a routine…I am a scatterbrained mess. I am behind on calls, emails, blogging and cleaning. I have no time for anything other than commuting, working and visiting with the parentals/friends and making sure I get fed some way or another. Forget dating! I had to take my profile down because I was seriously blanking on whether I had already spoken to someone and what their name was. Seriously! I even went to the point of emailing this guy and telling him it was great chatting with him but that it would be nice to know what his name was (since he never signed off on the emails…HATE that by the way!). After I hit the send button, I realized that he had told me what his name was in his original email to me and I had just forgotten. Ugh!! So then I had to email back and make some excuse. Amazingly…the guy is still talking to me weeks later. Probably because we are both too busy to be starting over with other people and we have enough commonalities. Although, he is a little too serious for my taste…but we’ll see.

Overall, nothing exciting has happened. A couple of dates here and there, a longer commute and just plugging along. My parents are both finally back from their Nicaraguan excursion and in town through the holidays and I was able to escape to Puerto Vallarta for 6 blessed days of sun and nothing else. I’d give anything to be back on the beach. Two days back and I was back to the same daily grind.

So all in all…the same old stuff. Over the past month, I had things to talk about and I would make a mental note of “hey, must remember this to blog about”, but you know what, I can’t f-in remember what the hell those stories are now. So I will just leave it at this.
I hope everyone has a fantabulous holiday weekend and I’m sure I’ll have more interesting things to share after the weekend because, you know…family just does that to you.

Some people...

Some people deserve what they get...others do not. Some people give while others only take. Some people love while others only hate and some people pick themselves up constantly despite being knocked down time and again. I feel like one of the latter. Someone who just wants to be happy despite the bullshit.

It's hard to be bright and happy when you've felt as though your family has been under attack for years and all you want is justice and the right to retain what is rightfully yours.

Many don't know the details or the plight. It's depressing and stressful to talk about and when I do, I get agitated and mad at a man who uses connections for the wrong reasons and a country that is so behind the times. But I will now...the saga isn't completely over. More is to come...and how long this will take is beyond me but I can only hope that what happened today will open the eyes of many who protected the man who took so much away from all of us. From me, my brother, my sister, my mother but most importantly, from my father.

Four years ago, we began the battle to get a house back in Nicaragua. It is a house that has been in our family for five generations. My father grew up in this house and when he was younger, he dreamed of retiring back in Nicaragua. To find some repose after years of difficult blue collar work to support three kids. But after so many years in the states...he got used to the fog and I think a small part of it had to do that he couldn't bear to be far away from me. I'm the youngest...the only one he was allowed to hold right after being born and the bond between father and daughter became forever strong. Sure he drives me crazy and we don't see eye to eye but that's to be expected when there is a 47 year age gap.

About 6 years ago, my father decided to rent the house in Nicaragua. My great-aunt passed away and it was just sitting empty. Renting that house was the biggest mistake of our lives. Never did we think that man who rented the house was corrupt, a liar, an opportunist and a thief. Four years ago, he decided he didn't need to pay rent anymore and that he made enough home improvements to the house that wasn't even his...and improvements which he didn't actually do. And in his sick and twisted mind, he decided that the house was his and that he didn't need to pay rent anymore.

The court system in Nicaragua is still very corrupt. Many of the judges are old timers who were there under Sandinista rule and if someone is willing to grease their hand a little, they'll swing whatever way the money will despite who is right and who is wrong. We aren't that way. We believe in justice instead of out and out greed. The renter was lucky enough to have ties and connections and apparently money since he wasn't paying us rent to be greasing the hands of many a judge and many an attorney. Four years of headaches...four years of lies and four years of fighting to get back a house that was ours...IS ours. My great-grandfather is probably rolling over in his grave at the horror that we were so close to losing this house...HIS house to this monstrous man and his equally monstrous and selfish family. God forbid they WORK to retain property like my ancestors did...all in the hope of providing for their family and their family and so on. THAT house is a legacy! And for four years my father battled appeal after appeal for whatever stupid little discrepancy the renter's attorney could find. In the back of his mind, my father worried about losing out on the legacy...what he had counted on to leave for his family. And today...there was a sweet reward. For two weeks we anticipated the eviction would be today. And we waited with bated breath what the outcome would be. If we would be thrown a wrench at the last minute. We weren't...my father was given the key the night before and went to the house this morning with the judge and the police to take possession of our home.

And I think that FINALLY the judge realized what sort of a BASTARD we had been dealing with for the better part of a decade. What sort of man everyone protected. The fact that we had to plead with the President to ask for help and assignment of someone who could help us in this case. My mother pleaded with the President because my father was too proud to ask for help from a distant relative that he barely knew. Yes...the prez is a relative. My mother wasn't so much...we needed help. We needed a "clean" attorney. We were refused by so many attorneys because the renter was friends with everyone it seemed like, from his Sandinista days.

As with many things...there is a good side and a bad side. The good is that we now have possession of the house. The bad is that he took everything. All the antique furniture my aunt stupidly left in the house because she was to lazy to find storage. All of it...gone. All the wires from the electrical sockets...ripped out. Sink basins and toilets...stolen. Garden....dug up. Water bill and electric bill...left unpaid. He raped my entire family by doing this. He took everything, he sucked us dry. The money to fix the electrical, the garden, change the locks, pay the bills in default, buy an iron gate and hire a securty guard. It is endless. I hope my parents realize that this is done. To fix the house, sell it and just settle here. The only thing that Nicaragua holds for me...for us..is family. There is so much pain. This is the second attempt to get back property. We sold the first...this is the second. If you don't live there...it's not worth it. As beautiful as the country is, the people are opportunists. Who needs to live somewhere where people rob each other in such a blantant disregard of possessions and property.

The destruction was intentional and I hope to God...there being one...that his hand strikes down hard, heavy and precise. Justice still needs to be served in my eyes. Again, we must go through court proceedings to claim stolen property. My mother is besides herself at the loss of all that furniture. I hope this situation opened the judge's eyes. We are not dealing with a "respected member of society". He is a criminal and needs to be dealt with accordingly. May he rot in jail and may his family suffer as much as ours.

My father is thousands of miles away and I feel the intense need to be with him. I don't think he should be alone. He is 77 years old. He doesn't need this kind of stress. He should be relaxing and enjoying retirement instead of working to get a house back to it's former colonial beauty and protecting it from blatant criminals. To putter around the garden, to walk around the house with his TV Guide "bible", to bicker with my crazy mom and to tell me I am right and mom is crazy. I miss my dad. He's been gone since February and even though I was lucky enough to see him for a week in July...that isn't enough. With this second proceeding, who knows when he will come back . His man has robbed months and years of quality time between me and my dad in his golden years. He is not a young man...nor is he a healthy man but my dad is a workhorse.

And from thousands of miles away, I think about how much my dad has dealt with...oftentimes, alone. All for the sake of family...and I think about the man who almost took it all away...who still managed to escape with much...and I feel such deep and intense hatred that it makes me mad and sad. Mad that someone is so fucking blind at the justices of the world and the simple concept of right vs. wrong and sad that I can feel such hatred for someone else and of the time taken away from my father.

I can only hope that justice be served in one form or another...

A Failed Attempt...

Well, I should be relaxing and knitting but I have a stack of mail beside me to go through and all I can think about if how I was so eager to start cooking by myself. To save a few dollars on take-out and be a normal adult. I mean, I have been subsisting on salads, canned soup and sandwiches for the better part of three years.It's time I learn the right side of a knife and learn the difference between chopped and julienne. So I come here to share my failed attempt. A friend (hi AM) gave me this recipe for curry...I'm a huge fan of curry...thai, indian...it doesn't really matter. But I rarely eat it out and thought it would be good if me, Ms. White Girl, could make some yummy curry. Well, it smelled yummy. It looked yummy BUT...it certainly did not taste yummy. Something happened. WHAT HAPPENED!! *sigh* Apparently I was not given "the gift". I obviously oversalted it almost to the point of inedible. I feel a little defeated.

To make myself feel better, I made a pie. No...I wasn't gonna eat the whole pie myself! I already have issues fitting into my pants. But the pumpkin festival is this coming weekend, I love pumpin anything (bread, pie, ice cream,pancakes). Yummmmmmmm! I made the pie to take to work...it was a hit. I knew it would be. Pumpkin pie is easy...and I make a good one. So I kind of redeemed myself.

As far as the curry..."if at first you don't succeed, try, try again". So...I guess I'll try again.

I'm in Love!

Yep...I'm in love with this really hot guy who's fit, funny, hot, smart, looks good in tight tee-shirts, friendly, honest and hot. I even find his Texas accent attractive. What is up with THAT?

Here's his picture...isn't he dreamy?! His name is George and he's a Crime Scene Investigator. He works graveyard so I don't get to see him much...

Oh was I saying that out loud?! Oopsie...seriously though...isn't he friggin hot! I wish I was a super smart nerdy scientist so that I could clone him and have my very own George Eads.

I am now a CSI addict because of him. Well that and the fact it's a very good show despite the grody parts. I know when, what time and what channel the show is on. Thank goodness for Netflix too. I am on disc three of season one...I got lots of George to watch. Yum!

If there is one thing...

Well, you know about the Plague of Crap overtaking my life...like that isn't enough to keep my mind occupied. But there is also something else. Guilt trips. If there is one thing I can't stand...it's a guilt trip. I was raised Catholic. I know how to dish out a really good guilt trip. I try not to because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. I've received endless ones and as a child, I had no choice but to sit there and obsess about what I did wrong, what I could have done better, etc. As an adult, I refuse to put up with it. I have reasons for not emailing, not calling, not visiting, not whatever the case may be.

I am busy! And just because I am single does not mean I do NOT have a life. I resent being made to feel that way. Being single does not mean that work is my ENTIRE life. I am not sitting at home every evening waiting for the phone to ring or replying to endless emails. I am a busy single person. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I am not a hermit and at home all the time. It's bad because I don't have time to call, email or visit everyone who expects me to.

I work a full time job. I have to wake up at 6am to leave by 7am for my hour commute. Mornings suck...I hate mornings and leaving the house by 7am is one, impossible and two, painful. I work my hours and drive home, in traffic and get home around 6pm. Not bad unless I have to run errands...Target, the supermarket, produce market, gas station, passing by my parents house, doing laundry. If I don't have to run an errand, I come home, make something to eat, go through my mail, watch a little CSI, make a lunch for work the next day, go online and try to get through emails (I can barely email from work) and by the time I finish, it's usually past 10pm and I have to go to sleep to start the cycle over again. I obviously (!) barely have time to even blog, let alone do the things I truly enjoy like stitching, knitting, going to see movies, relaxing over coffee at the shop. I am always on the run.

Some days, I have a date, dinner plans with friends or an exercise class after work. Sometimes, I have to work on banking...mine AND my parents...that's double the bills to deal with AND double the math. I stop by my parent's house to collect mail, water the plants, check the house, call my dad and talk to the neighbors. My mom is back in town, that means more visits to the house, more errands because she doesn't get around very well and more headaches.

I am the product of older parents and with that comes more responsibilities...especially when my siblings don't pull their fair share. I live alone and there is only me. Only I am responsible for my well being.

I hope this explains my absense via blogging, phone, email or otherwise. I truly am a busy person. I always have been.

Welcome to my life...

The Plague of Crap...

The Plague of Crap is taking over my life. It started taking over about a week before my 30th birthday when I realized that for 30, I haven't accomplished much. I don't own anything other than my piece of junk car, I do not have a significant other, I live in a fairly crappy building and frankly, I feel down in the dumps about all of this and more. The only thing I have going for me at the moment is a very cool job that I enjoy.

So let's break it down...

My junk car...is sucking me dry. It's a good car, it runs well, it hasn't really given me very many problems but it's getting old and needs those "old car repairs". Boots that are cracked, tires that are worn and God knows what else. I'm just not in a position to be dealing with this shit because I'm...well...I'm broke. Yea, what else is knew. But you know I am feeling the penny pinch when I am actually cooking and making things at home because I am trying to save a few bucks for...car repair. Yea, exciting. I'd feel better if I was doing it for something fun like...new shoes!

No significant other...this is driving me nuts. I've been single for a long time. I know how to do it, I'm fine with it but I am also bored with it. I want someone to go to live music with, festivals and fairs, to share the paper over coffee at the local shop, to cuddle with at the movies, to get dressed up, be arm candy and take the city by storm. But here I am, on a Saturday night, blogging my sob story to the world. I have been dating constantly since January and have met more duds than ever! Why can't I meet someone decent. I am cute, independant, funny, honest, loyal and an all around great person (if I do say so myself!). I am one of the last single ones in my circle of friends and it sucks the big one. I'm always a third wheel and it sucks even further that they don't have a pool of me to set me up with. I'm left to completely fend for myself. And after nine months of dating, I am still at the same place I left off. Single, alone and with no one. At 30, I'd always imagined that I'd have been married and maybe working on kid #1. Right now, I don't think I am ready for kids but I am definitely ready to settle down. Obviously that is not in the cards for me now...who knows if it ever will be. I know that I am made of strong stuff...I'm strong, stubborn, opinionated, capable, beautiful and independant. If I had to be alone, I could be but the thing is...I don't want to be. I really don't. I am tired of the dating though...but I can't seem to stop. It's like an addiction. I need to go to a "Daters Anonymous" meeting. I try and then I decide to go on another date with another dud because "well, you never know...". They are ALL duds and with each dud I go out with...I become more bitter and cynical. I really need to stop and reconnect with myself.

Crappy building...I want to move. I've wanted to move since four months into my one year lease three years ago. But again, the money issue comes into play. I am hoping that at the beginning of the new year, I can move out of the fog to a sunnier area...and cut some minutes off my morning and evening commute at the same time.

And the other stuff...I am always so busy and so tired, running from one place to the next trying to do things for myself and my parents. I spend a lot more time in my car and less time walking and I feel like I'm carrying extra pounds that will NOT come off.

I feel down, I don't feel like talking to people much, I am too busy to have the alone time I need and frankly, I am officially down in the dumps. Thank god I get to see hot firemen at work. Everything is not completely lost.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday Dear Me...
Happy Birthday to me!!

Yea, I turned 30 today...and along with it came the Plague of Crap!

Happily Single

Yes, that would be me...happily single. It's better to be happy by yourself than be unhappy and miserable to be with someone else. And that's where things were going with K. Things were awesome in the beginning! I was happy. We were having fun. Things were great...until we established exclusivity. And then the chase was basically over on his part and I felt like we were living out a 10 year marriage. No sex, no passion, no plans, no nothing. But I was driving my ass 80 miles one way to spend time with him...and go with him to run HIS errands. Oh, the romance! And obviously, I was putting out more of the effort. I was getting tired of hearing the I'm tired, I'm too full, I've got work to do...etc. I mean, aren't those considered "girl" excuses?!After too many visits like that, I bid him goodbye, put my profiles back up and am back to doing my own thing and maybe dating...if someone interesting comes along.

"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love...is a complete waste of time" and in this case...K was a complete waste of my time. I can't believe I put up with that shit for as long as I did.

And so I live my happily single existance.

Three Weeks In

Ummm....Hi! Remember me? Yea! The author of this blog...yes, that would be me. Umm...no, I wasn't on vacation. No..No...Nothing happened to me. No really, I'm fine...I swear. But you know this new job...WoW! It's been really keeping me busy and I haven't been able to find the time to blog. Awww...you've missed me?! I've really missed you guys too!

So I've been at the new job for three weeks, now going on four and I LOVE IT!! It's challenging, fun and the people I work with are great. Oh and Ummm, did I mention I work with firemen?! *sigh* It's great!

Benefits are great, there's sun, I can get to work via car instead of the dreaded MUNI and it's completely different from what I was doing before. The only downside is that my commute sucks ass since I am NOT a morning person at all. I don't even have time to stop and get Starbucks! Hey now!! Getting good coffee in the morning is the only way some people make it through the day!

Oh, yea...and 80% of the firemen are already married. Oh well...I still love my job anyways!!

Never Forget...

It's amazing to think how much can happen in four years and yet, it not really be a very long period of time. I spent the day looking at crappy apartments I can afford and beautiful apartments I can't. Walking around a fairly affluent and trendy neighborhood that I enjoy while window shopping and drinking coffee. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help thinking about how we go through everyday motions in the wake of sadness, despair and natural disaster. We do this because we have to...one foot in front of the other...everyday motions. The errands...grocery store, dry cleaning, going here and going there. The talking to friends, the dating, going to work, paying the bills, making meals, washing dishes, putting away laundry. These are the everyday motions of my life and what makes one day progress into the other.

So on this day, September 11th, 2005, I reflect. Reflect on a day, four years ago when every red-blooded American sat glued to their TV in horror of an act of terrorism against our nation. Something so horrible, that I personally thought I had switched to some action movie before realizing, I had turned on the news and the scene of a plane hitting the World Trade Center, being played over and over and over again, had actually happened. What was going on?! I just remember watching the news in shock before making my way upstairs to see my dad watching the same thing as I had been on TV. We looked at each other in disbelief while I was trying to make sense of the how, the who and the why while trying to get ready for work. On my way to the Bart Station, my coworker called me to say our boss didn't want us coming in to work because since our office was close to the Transamerica and Bank of America buildings, two of the tallest buildings in San Francisco, he was scared they would be a terrorist target. So I turned around, went home and watched hours and hours of news coverage through my tears. And at some point, I turned off the tv, called the Ex and we spend the evening together just to have companionship with another person and have an excuse not to get sucked into the horror of the TV and the reality of the day.

In the end...I was lucky...no one I knew died that day. I was safe on the other coast. Some people I now know, were not so lucky. Friends, spouses, parents, siblings senselessly taken away. For what really?! I still do not understand it to this day. But despite me not understanding, I will not forget.

And we shouldn't...and that's why I take the time to remember this day four years ago and the people who were taken away from their loved ones and the people who stayed behind to pick up the pieces. And I sit here and think of those who worked ground zero, doing their duty as many were police officers and firefighters, hoping to find survivors and dreading finding bodies. A position I would never dream being in...yet these guys...they volunteer! The need to protect and serve their community lies so deep within themselves that they put themselves in danger everyday. And I sit here in awe.

As I now work for the fire department, four guys were deployed to assist with the search and rescue efforts due to Hurricane Katrina. Some of these same guys worked Ground Zero four years ago. They are part of a special task force...they endured hours of special training to be part of this special group of women and men that are called for in tragic emergency situations and they are confronted by situations and things that we pray not to endure ever in our entire lives. They work long hours in areas of great risk to their safety and in the end, despite the long hours, unstable terrain, finding survivors and victims and physical and mental strain, all they care about is that they are helping people. And then there are the folks who volunteer to do the same thing. They put their lives on hold to go to the assistance of others. And I wish I could be as selfless as them.

Never forget...

Emotional Uncertainty

"You don't handle emotional uncertainty very well, although you don't mind your own ambivalence. You just don't like it when it comes from someone else. You might be feeling somewhat miffed because you aren't sure what is going on out there. Don't worry about what to do; concentrate instead on how you feel. Keep in touch with your emotions, no matter what comes into awareness."

Welcome to my horoscope for today. And all I can say is that for once in my life, I can say that it is dead on...sadly. I forgot the uncertainly that comes from new relationships. The trying to figure out what the other is feeling, thinking, etc. The "do they like me as much as I like them", "are they truly attracted to me" and the "do we truly make a good couple". After being single for a good long time, I've forgotten about this part...and I'm not really liking it.

The past two weekends with K have not gone according to plan and I am feeling a little lost, a little uncertain and clearly...a lot miffed! I've been reassured that he is still interested in me and in seeing me, yet...I'm not feeling it. I'm not getting the attention I want and need and that's sad considering he already lives 80 miles away from me to begin with. We can't even see each other every day...we are committed to seeing each other during the weekends only. You'd think they'd be fantastic and planned and that we'd have options of things to do. At least I would...why can't he? Do I really have to be the planner? Even in a city I don't live in? I won't go into details here. I'll just say that I am taking a step back and taking in the scene. Things had better improve...or else the firemen working in my department are looking better and better by the minute!