Bad Christmas

I wasn't really planning on writing anything until the new year. To start the year, and the blog, fresh with my New Years' Resolutions and a clean slate but this was one of the worst christmases ever and I need to vent. I like the holidays to the extent that I like the spirit, the lights, the brandied egg nog and cider, the crisp cool air, the smell of pine, decorated christmas trees, exchanging gifts and basically trying to be merry and bright. What I don't like about the holidays is actually being forced to spend christmas eve and christmas day with family...and there is of course New Year's Eve. Who likes spending it alone?! So this will be the 7th NYE I will spend alone or as a third wheel with friends. I usually wish really hard that Christmas Eve to New Years Day pass at light speed. It doesn't work.

And as much as I say I like the holidays, I become quite *Bah Humbug* about it all the closer and closer we get to Christmas Eve and become downright lethargic until New Years' Day. And there is a reason and I will be very blunt...I have the worst family dynamic ever. I have parents who have become so dependant on me that they may as well be my children. And considering I am 31, single, have no prospects and have to take care of 80 year old children, the *Bah Humbug* is so prevalent you may as well call me Elizabeth Scrooge. My brother has a few marbles loose and says the meanest, most offensive things, that the most joyous of days when you should put differences aside, turns into an all and out screaming match between oldest and youngest sibling. That left me leaving my parents house in a huff with screams and slamming doors and I drove home to my sanctuary. I so love my apartment...no family...just peace, quiet, a comfy bed and a box of kleenex. After lots of tears and anger, I called my mother and told her that was the last Christmas I will be spending at their house and that I didn't have any more to give.

My family is not a family and I've been taking too many insults from everyone for too long and I have reached my breaking point. I've been taken advantage of for too long and have older siblings that have left to claim their lives. They travel. They have their own family. They own property. They have their lives. Me? I'm still trying to piece mine together but have to constantly stop to take care of never-ending requests from my parents. But since I'm here, my siblings never step up and I have had it! And if I need to move to Seattle or Chicago or New York to get away from this responsibility and have my siblings realize how much work goes into taking care of something other than their own interests, I will do it. The eligible men pool in the Bay Area is stagnant anyways.

So now I am throwing around ideas for Christmas next year...Hawaii? Costa Rica? Mexico? And if worst comes to shove, I'll be adopted by a friend. If I learned anything this past weekend it's 1. that everyone has a breaking point and I have reached mine and 2. my friends and co-workers shined so much brighter this year than my family. The small tokens given to me by friends and coworkers were thought out and heart-felt. My family...money and gift cards every year. I can do without those. I'd rather have no money and be happy. It truly is the little things and those small gestures in life that really matter.

Ummm...Yea...

I'm alive.

Nothing horrible has happened.

Nothing exceptionally great has either.

Things have been so incredibly busy that it exhausts me to re-hash it...so I'm not telling you.

I don't see much free time for me between now and mid-January...I can't, can't wait until then.

I'm a little Bah Humbug but will probably feel better about that once I can actually get ornaments on my tree.

I am almost done with my project for my cousin. Pictures will be coming up soon...I am so proud of myself!

I've got New Year's Resolutions in the works...will share soon.

Hope all is well...

The Dark Place...

I feel better. Not better as in I am so full of energy like one of those annoying, make me wanna upchuck, *I feel great* aerobic instructors. But I feel better.

I have my moments where I feel like another awful dating encounter may make me go off the deep end but I've done fine with the cards dealt my way the past few weeks and trust me...they haven't been pretty. But I've come to a conclusion.

It IS about me.

I really, really need to stop the random dating and enjoy time to myself doing the things I like to do. I know I keep saying that but I’m not really doing it. I preach a lot and don’t even follow my own example.

But now is the time! I mean it! It’s darker earlier. It’s cold out. The thought of being outdoors does not sound appealing. It’s truly hibernation time. Snuggling in front of the TV with my blanket, a cup of tea and some sort of project does sound appealing…and I’ve already started.

I’m trying to keep more of my evenings free and taking the time to catch up on my favorite tv shows and just…relax. Something so simple that seems so hard! It’s hard for me to relax. I end up feeling guilty because I’m young and should be out and busy and meeting people instead of home alone on the couch relaxing. But I miss it a lot and I’m getting back to it.

I know I won’t have any interesting stories outside of my everyday, what my projects are and just random thoughts and topics now, but it’ll still be interesting.

Crazy random dating is over! I can’t even take it! And it doesn’t even sound appealing. Not…one…bit! But I am cheap and I am riding out my subscription for 5 more days and then it’s over. Who wants to be dating over the holidays anyways? There is enough weirdness and randomness to begin with. I truly don’t want to be thinking about squeezing in dates with random guys amongst the holiday shopping, gift wrapping, holiday parties and general yuletide craziness. And then there’s the *Do I like him enough to think about getting a present or do I end it now* thoughts when you are starting something new around a gift-giving holiday. So if I’m not dating, I have enough things to worry about!

I am still super-sarcastic, highly cynical but I am not nearly as down in the dumps as I was recently. Maybe because I've found a kind person to talk to who is as sarcastic and cynical as me and there's no pressure for anything other than being myself. That's nice...but so is realizing that only I can make myself truly happy...and sacraficing my *me* time to duds was unfulfilling and was also taking me away from myself.

Cesspool

He winks at her...

She winks back...

He tells her he's not interested and she is dumbfounded. Why wink if not interested! She moves on.

He writes her like nothing happened and introduces himself and says he'd like to learn more about her.

She's bitter with dating life and the games and wants no part of it now. She tells him so...nicely. Thanks...but boy said he wasn't interested in girl...so why email now. Girl just doesn't have the time for games and wishes boy the best of luck in the future...with his job and with match.

She gets email. Email reads as such...

I'm very, very sorry. This is not *stupid idiot boy* this is his soon to be ex-girlfriend. It is against my heart to email you thru his account but after I caught him cheating and sleeping with other girls, I thought he would change but the trust is no longer the same. He promised and I accepted it but that's it! He is very charming guy that is why he is comfortable joining several online dating and have multiple GF at the same time. I'm sorry to bother you_ this is a nightmare for me and I had never than this before. You seem to be a smart, pretty, and educated lady_ I just hope you will chase the right dream. Lastly, please dont reply him thru this email because I want to be safe. He has a hot temper, and I live alone. Thank you for your time, and I hope you'll understand.

Great...maybe it's time for the girl to take a break. She is really tired and all the duds and losers are really taking their toll on her. She's tired and frustrated and discouraged. The hope has pretty much diminished. She is single. She has been single for a long time and she'll be single for a long time to be. She's tried to change it...to no avail. Getting an email off a dating service from a guy's girlfriend was pretty much the last straw. It's time for the girl to dig out her Alanis, PJ Harvey, Cranberries and Avril Lavigne albums and just blast music and give in to the angst. Shit...and it's almost the girl's birthday so she can bitch and be pissed if she wants to right!? Isn't that how the song goes? No...oh well. I like my version better.

So...emails from girlfriends was the last draw...or was it...

*******

So the girl goes to her local mattress store to take care of yet another bed problem. The bed which has been the bane of her existance and the cause of a few anxiety attacks. The girl thought that getting a new bed would give her more sleep but that wasn't really the case. But the saga was almost over...just one more visit to the manager guy and she was done. As she walks into the store, she sees the manager guy along with two of his co-workers. One who the girl hadn't seen before but was immediately recognizable as a match guy. One who had winked at her...but whom she never bothered even communicating with. That was an awkward situation for the girl. She recognized him, she was pretty sure that he recognized her. She didn't feel as anonymous going about her life anymore when she can bump into people whose picture she's seen online just going to the mattress store. She hurried with the business at hand and left thinking that the match guy could track her down if he really wanted to. Her name, address and phone number was readily available at his fingertips through one of the mattress store's computers...She was a customer.

Being on match REALLY didn't seem like a good idea anymore.

*******

Girl is going about her business at work. She pulls a notice and realizes what one of the fireguy's middle name is. She stops and ponders that perhaps the guy she's seen on match and always thought *hey, he kinda looks like so-n-so* is actually her co-worker. That match guy uses the fireguy's middle name as his screen name. She does the match on age and sign and realizes that...Crap! It really is him! She's clicked on his profile before...oh, gawd...how weird! Why is all this match weirdness happening all at the same time!? It's embarrassing and she wonders about yet how many people at work have heard about this from the fireguy. Girl realizes that it's really time to be anonymous and that she can forget hope and the bullshit about *you never know*. It's time to really take the time for herself and relax and try to get a hold of herself and find herself again. It's just time...

Match is a fucking cesspool and the girl can barely stand even dealing with it for another minute...

Remembrance

9/11/01

A date so significant in American history which also brings about much sadness.

Last night, I went to see World Trade Center. I had wanted to see the movie since I saw the previews of it. I was waiting to see it with a friend of mine...the only one who wanted to see the movie...but his schedule is so hectic that I just didn't want to wait any longer. And the weekend of 9/11/06...the fifth anniversary of such tragedy...seemed fitting. Many said that seeing recreations of that day was morbid and that they couldn't bring themselves to see a re-enactment. But to me...it's a matter of showing respect in a way. It's based on reality, true events. People died that day...going about their daily routine...dropping their kids off at daycare, making deliveries, going to work, sitting at their desks. It was a normal day...at least it was until 8:46am that day.

I was like most on the West Coast. Bleary-eyed, I turned on the tv right after waking up. It was my normal routine...wake up, turn on the tv and start getting ready for work. I stared at the tv wondering what movie I had flipped to, check the channel and realize that it's truly the news but what I was seeing was unreal. At the time, I still lived with my parents and I went upstairs to the kitchen where I found my father staring dumbfounded at the tv. I ask him what is going on and that's when the reality of everything truly sunk in. Planes flying into buildings, people jumping out, buildings collapsing, thousands dying. A war upon the nation. Something completely unthinkable...yet at that moment...that was what was happenning.

Five years ago, I worked for a life insurance firm. I lived in San Francisco...most of our clients did too. But we did have one client who lived in New York and the following day that client called to tell us that his two brother-in-laws died that day. They worked at the World Trade Center. Now our clients life revolved upon consoling a grief-stricken wife and her family. Our sadness was profound. But I was lucky...the events of that day didn't hurt me...or anyone I knew. BUt I can't help but think of the enormity of that day.

Now, five years later...I work for a fire department. It's a job I enjoy despite the gripping of lazy, selfish, spoiled firemen. Throughout my days, I see these men, many who I consider big brothers and many who wouldn't hesitate to help me if I needed it. Why? Because that's who they are. They are firemen...they help those who need it and in times of emergency and disaster are amazingly selfless. One day, I realized that a few of the firemen were wearing similar silver engraved bracelets and I asked what the significance was. I was told that they were bracelets of remembrance for 9/11...they were engraved with the names of their firefighter friends who died that day. It truly is a day that Americans will never forget and these firefighters will not allow themselves to.

Firefighters are selfless. They are the *boys in blue* that everyone wants to see... and they went to Ground Zero from everywhere...whether it was called upon or not. They either went on their own accord or were part of a Task Force sent to try and find survivors and recover victims. An awful job if you think about it. We send them to a battle zone, with limited knowledge and ask them to basically perform miracles. Some of the guys in my department were sent and I always wonder. How they could have gone to Ground Zero, seen such massive destruction and mortality up close and first-hand and come back to perform their normal duties seemingly unaffected. These guys that I joke around with and give a hard time too. They are America's heros. All Firefighters are...but more so are the 343 firefighters who gave their lives that day doing their job. Those who answered a call, saw the plane in the building and still went inside because helping people was their job...no questions about it.

In remembrance of the 2, 973 people who died including the 343 New York City firefighters, I write this because it's a day to remember...not a day to forget.

Glass Half Empty

I guess I should write.

A part of me has been avoiding this...this unveiling of feelings. I hoped that my mood would change. That I would get back into my old groove of entertaining and feeling entertained. Of me being my normal high strung, sarcastic, honest yet kind and loyal self. But lately, I've just been cynical, stressed, depressed and sad. I don't see that changing anytime soon. Especially now...with birthdays (including mine) and the holidays quickly approaching and I am once again...alone. Stop! I don't want to hear about how I am not alone...and that I have my friends and my family that love me and my hobbies and my interests, etcetera and etcetera. I don't want to hear it...because most likely, the people who say comments like that are in a relationship and/or married. You're life is set and you say those things to make me feel better but secretly you're glad you don't have to deal with the dating cesspool. Your happy...yet you want to hear my stories to *live vicariously through me*. I was more than willing to entertain for my *public* before but right now, I am physically, emotionally and mentally drained. I can't handle it...

Knowing that I am the aspiring, or shall I say, wannabee chick lit novelist, a friend of mine gave me a chick lit book to read with the statement that parts of it reminded her of me and of another friend. Interesting...so I decided to cancel my original plans for the weekend and read the book. Frankly, I couldn't handle being social so hiding in my apartment with lots of snacks sounded incredibly appealing. I hunkered down last night and started *Something Borrowed* by Emily Giffin. To be honest, once I saw the cover, I wasn't too keen on reading the book. A huge engagement ring graced the cover and the book was based on what else...the scenes around an upcoming wedding. Considering I can't even find a guy to date for more than a month...I was more interested in reading *Marley and Me* but as always, the curiousity got the better of me. Immediately into the book, I knew I was being compared to *Rachel* and that one of our mutual friends was *Darcy*. Phrases like consummate good girl, being a glass half empty person, not having had a date or been laid in months, always making the compromise. All that is me. People say I am negative, pessimistic and glass half empty. I say I'm realistic. Seriously, people need to get their head out of the clouds. The book was good but I didn't really like realizing how much I compromise and feeling just like *Rachel*. The insecurities and frustration, the hope and dissapointment. In the end, *Rachel* did get her guy after a long series of potholes and bumps along the way. Maybe my friend wanted to tell me that it will happen for me someday. Honestly, I'm in *old maid mode*. After six years alone, I ready for a honest to goodness great relationship. The dating cesspool really is not producing anyone of quality. People think I'm too picky...I say I am not. My partner needs to be my best friend...not just anyone is a person's best friend. It's because of a connection. I need that!

Being single has really gotten me down. It's been six years. I am ready for the sharing, the cuddling, the sex, love and having someone to share my thoughts, dreams, sadness and jubilance with. And not having someone like that is slowly draining any happiness I feel.

I know that having someone isn't the end all, be all. I'm lucky to have a roof over my head, an apartment I love and a job I, most times, enjoy. But it's not enough. I want a special someone. I want a *Valerie and so-and-so* given phrasing that all couples have. I want to have someone to wake up next to, to cuddle on the couch with and share all my secrets with.

Today, I got home from a movie that I went to alone and checked the mail. I received a card addressed to *Valerie & Guest*. I wasn't totally surprised. I knew that one was coming soon but this was not the one I was expecting. Many of you may remember I work for a fire department. One of the firefighters whom I get along with very well is turning 50 next month and his dear, sweet wife, sent me an invitation to the party. Awesome! B is turning 50! That's huge! I totally love B...not love in a *I lust after him* way. He is like this fun, joking big brother who likes to play pranks and tricks on me at work but is nice and sweet that once in a while, he'll treat me to lunch or invite me to the station for lunch with the crew. He is sweet and instantly treated me like *family* and gave me warnings about being careful who I date and to *stay away from cops and firefighters*. He is basically the older brother I wish I had. I was surprised to receive this invitation though since I only met his wife once. It's a totally sweet gesture and I want to share in B's birthday festivities. But the *guest* part saddens me. I have no guest to bring...again...so I will most likely go by myself. By myself...I do everything by myself. I hate going to parties by myself. Because then I have to listen to phrases like...

You're here by yourself?
You're such an attractive girl, I can't believe you don't have a boyfriend?
I have this friend I can set you up with!
Are you seeing anyone? No one? Really?

So my birthday will be spent alone, I will go to B's birthday alone, will go to the work christmas party alone, spend the holidays alone and basically feel like I am doomed to a life alone.

And despite feeling utterly alone, I can't bring myself to spend time with people because they can't seem to understand my profound melancholy. And frankly, being a third or fifth wheel doesn't make me feel happy. If my options are being a third wheel or alone, I'll take alone. I don't want to avert my eyes from the sweet gestures that I haven't experienced in years and be forced to think about my unfulfilled hope...once again.

So frankly...my glass isn't even half empty right now...it's completely empty and I'm not happy about it at all.

I'm Too Tired for My Life!

So completely and utterly so! I think back to the days when I had all the time in the world and was so upset that my life was devoid of entertainment. Those days that I was home more nights than I was out and that I trolled around online trying to find a way to entertain myself. Now...I'm lucky to have an evening to myself. I miss it...more than anyone can know. I know that part of it has to do with me and my inability to say *No*. I hate to disappoint and so I overbook myself. Not that I am totally complaining. I enjoy the time I spend out with my friends and my *you never know* mentality always tries to accomodate the strange men that I meet online. Some of these guys were gems and others were duds.

Sometimes I wonder why I stretch myself so thin. I know I am low energy. I know I need at least three nights a week to myself to catch up on home stuff, online stuff and vegging around to watch tv stuff. I need it! It helps me completely function and if I do not have these evenings to myself...I become an anxious, stressed out basketcase. Literally! And that is now my existance. There are a lot of things I miss...

*I miss having awesome, popcorn munching, couch potatoing nights on the futon watching mindless tv...by myself.

*I miss going on aimless walks in the city...and actually attempting to be healthy and exercise and do power walks.

*I miss catching all the movies I am curious about at the theater...instead of on video.

*I miss knitting...I can't even remember the last time I picked up the sticks!

*I miss stitching and in my hopes to get back into it, I ordered a birth announcement kit to make for my cousin who is expecting her first. She has always asked me to stitch something for her. I hope and wonder if I will finish it in time. 4 months? I may be screwed. I'll trust in hopeful thinking and that I'll run into a slow phase soon.

*I miss having everything the way I want it even if it isn't necessarily dust-free. My apartment is always a work in progress. It's starting to look great...but not terrific. I want terrific.

*I miss my dad...I guess I miss my mom too...just not the complaining. I am happy they are coming back soon.

*I miss having someone to cuddle on the couch and be lazy with. Part of the reason I am so busy is because I am in search of a couch cuddler. Who knew a good one was so hard to find!?

*I miss having all my friends closeby...and I miss going out with all of them.

*I miss being able to blog on a semi-regular basis.

*I miss being a kid but I'm realistic. Obviously that can't be changed! I just miss being carefree...damn responsibility!!

Yea...I miss a lot of things...and I am really, really tired!

Melancholy

The day after my friend Bob and I were run out of the pub by the super nerdy trivia freaks, Bob's dad passed away. He had known it was a matter of days and had prepared himself as well he could. I have to say that he kept his composure very well. His friends kept him as preoccupied as possible until he had to drive south to be with his mom and I was getting things together to help him for the job interview he had today. He says that went well and I am very happy for him but in awe that he was able to handle a job interview less than a week after his father passed away. I'm sad for him though...I can just imagine what it is like to lose a parent. And it makes me wonder how many years I have left with mine. It makes me realize that I should spend more time with them...even though they complain...even though they are needy and they drive me crazy...I should spend more time with them because you never know. Life is too short to live it regretful of the past if you can change the past in the present.

The Art of Being Human...

I've just come home from a night at the pub with my friend Bob where we were run out of the place by nerdy ass people trying to take our table for pub trivia night. I left 3/4 of my Newcastle on the table after the 5th person asked us to give up our table and Bob threw a fit and ran out of the bar. I, of course, had to run after him to make sure he's ok. It's not a good time for either of us. His father is very, very ill and I have a lot in my head. But I needed to see him to make sure he is holding up ok and he needed to see me to have a link to friends and the real world. I am always that to Bob...he never upsets me. We called it an early night and as I drove home, the following thoughts drifted in and out. I need to let them loose...there is so much on my mind lately.

*Despite the together exterior, I have my faults and doubts...I am human.

*I will go to the end of the earth for the people I care about...even if those people don't realize how much I care about them or go to the end of the earth for me.

*If something horrible happened to me and I needed someone to drop everything and come to my rescue, I could count on three people. Those people probably don't know or care that I write about them and I like that.

*I have my apartment and job and whereas that is wonderful and I love it, the fact that my social and dating life is a shambles totally overshadows what I've accomplished in the last year.

*I know that is bad. I love my apartment and that Richard helps me with every little thing. I love my job and the guys and that I am like a little sister to many and that my sarcasm is taken with a grain of salt and a smirk instead of a sharp retort meant to hurt. These guys are the best. I laugh at my nicknames of *snitch* and *tall girl*. I know that despite the criticism, I am appreciated.

*Sad that I feel appreciated by coworkers...people who pay me to do a job rather than friends and family I have known for years.

*Sad that I do things I don't really feel like doing to avoid hurt feelings. I am too nice sometimes. In the end, my feelings are the ones that get hurt. I don't know why I bother.

*I am tired of dating but feel like if I stop, I may miss out on the golden opportunity. Some may say that it has already come, is standing right in front of me and I just won't accept it. I feel like mine has already passed and I was too self-involved to realize it.

*I will always love *The Ex*. Even though all he does now is ignore and hurt me. After all my dating, I realize that I took him for granted...all these guys suck! I miss being loved and put on a pedestal and sex and cuddling and just being cared for. The guys I've been dating just don't do it for me. It drives me nuts...he drives me nuts...these guys I date drives me nuts! It all drives me nuts...but the one thing I know is that sex with *The Ex* is the best I have ever had and now that's the standard. With the pedestal and the great sex and being in love....the standard is practically elusive. I'm single forever.

*And in my angst of thinking I am single forever because all I do is try and try and try, I am surrounded by friends and people who are married (happily or not), in relationships, spawning kids and all I hear about is that is all great (or not) and how they live vicariously though me. Great...now I'm the entertainment. I really don't want to hear about how you're lives are great and *thank god I don't have to date and I don't know how you do it*. Yea...I don't know how I do it either! It drives me nuts and I am not the entertainment and if you think I am...please fucking pay for admission. I'm sick of this...I'm sick of it! I'm not even kidding.

*I think it's strange that I have three friends/acquaintences who have mentioned introducing me to their friends. That's weird. But considering I meet strange men off the internet...how weird can it be. You never know...

*You Never Know*...that is now my motto in life. The not knowing is at times just a curiousity but the knowing can be either a surprise or a big disappointment. Usually...it's a disappoinment.

*People may call me pessimistic. I call myself realistic. Helloww! Look around sometime.

*I've gained 8 pounds since I started my job. I feel fat. I love that my friend Bob tells me that I'm beautiful. I wish I could find a guy that I was attracted to and into, that would say that to me. For the time being, I guess it's good that I have nice and caring male friends. I now need to lose 10 pounds. I wish the people at work would stop bringing sweets. I have no willpower when it comes to baked goods.

*I feel melancholy and wish that others would consider that I may not be happy despite the fact that they are...I try...but sometimes I can't relate or I just can't let go of what's going on right now. It may be considered selfish. I just consider it my turn...it's about time I try to get my life in order considering how much I give or have given to others.

*I like that I finally got some of this off my chest. I try not to bottle things up but it's hard not to sometimes.

*Take from this what you will...just remember that these are my thoughts and they are my feelings.

Kissing Ass...

So last week, one of the head honchos at work said to me as I was leaving "Valerie, I'll give you a call later and you can meet me and Bill for sushi". I was a little surprised. It came out of the blue and well, I'm just a little cog in the whole wheel. But me and this head honcho get along really well and he knows that I am interested in moving over towards his section of the department as soon as I take a class or two to really gauge my interest. If I move into inspection, my benefits and pay are much, much better not to mention the uniform bit. Not that I think me in a inspector uniform will be a cool thing. For me...it's all about ease. I don't have to buy clothes or worry about what I'm going to wear. It's all picked out for me! Anyways, my first class starts in September and I have made it very clear that I have enrolled and paid for this class already. I am serious here...not feeding him a line. And me mentioning it just keeps that knowledge fresh in his mind.

I had a doctor's appointment that evening for the horrific *plague* that wouldn't end but decided that I will make the effort to go if the head honcho actually called. Kissing ass could only help me right? I want to move over to his section of the department eventually. Being a good sport was essential. I got a call around 7pm telling me where to meet them and how to get there. I'm an okay fan of sushi...fairly adventurous. I usually let people order for me in sushi places because I am still trying to figure out what I like and don't like. So I got there and drank plenty of sake and they ordered a round of food for me. So basically, they order stuff and see how I react to eating it. Remember, it's all about being a good sport. When I got there, they had yellowfin cheeks on the table...that was yummy! Don't worry...it was cooked. I would have been happy with that but there was more to come. Soft shell crab roll...yummy! Sweet shrimp with fried shrimp heads...ummm, shrimp was good...shrimp heads...ewww! There is just something about eating brains and eyeballs that gets to me. So I didn't get too far there...pretty far but not all the way. What else...what else? There was spicy tuna roll which was good if not a bit more spicy than I am used to and scallops which were yummy! I love scallops...I don't care if they are raw...they are delish either way. But the one thing that I could not eat...that was worse than the fried shrimp head was the uni roll. I, of course, did not know what the heck *uni* was. It clearly did not look appetizing despite the head honcho and Bill raving about how *great and fresh* the uni was. Great and Fresh?!?! Umm...yea...it doesn't look great and fresh! It looks kind of gross but I am supposed to be a good sport, remember? So I try the uni...and could barely swallow the stuff. People...stay away from the uni! It's disgusting...and for you anglo people like me (ok, kind of anglo), uni is sea urchin! Considering it hardly looks appetizing in it's live form, it shouldn't be surprising that it isn't appetizing in it's pretending to be food form. Ugh...still grossed out.

But you know what? They paid for my dinner AND I earned some major brownie points. Sometimes sucking it up...and keeping it down (literally!!) is absolutely necessary! And hopefully, this little eating adventure will help me out in the long run...

Just a Casual Fling?!

Ok...I am sad to say that I only stuck with my "no dating" plan for a mere three weeks. But three weeks is good, right? Aw C'mon...give me some credit! I've been dating nonstop for over two years and was actually able to take down my profile, read Harry Potter #7, watch Season #1 of Grey's Anatomy, catch up with friends and relax before I felt like I had too much time on my hands and started scamming for guys again. And I hit it off with someone who was fun for a couple of weeks but truly the epitome of a casual fling. It took longer for me to get the sunglasses I accidentally left behind at his place back than the actual fling. But you know what...having a casual fling was nice...weird and completely different for me...but nice. It was exciting, he was fun and HOT and for once, I wasn't stressed out about expectations, what he wants, what I want, what he feels, what I feel. It just flowed, happened and was fun. It was nice to find out that things don't always have to feel so pressured.

Amongst the Living...Kinda

One 8oz. bottle of Robitussin DM
One 4 oz. bottle of Robitussin with Codeine
One box of Mucinex
One half bag of leftover Cherry-Honey Ricola cough drops
One half bag of new Honey-Herb Ricola cough drops
One little bottle thingy of antibiotic eye drops
2 days spent home sick and dying...ok...not dying...but comatose and knocked out from meds
2 doctors appointments at Kaiser
One box of kleenex
Many, Many dirty spoons so I could take the cursed cough medicine
Much whining
Much complaining
Much coughing and hacking all over the place
Purell Anti-bacterial stuff
Lots of sleep on some days...no sleep on others

And after 16 days...I feel almost human again. Almost...but not quite. I feel congested and tired and can sleep 10 hours yet feel like I slept none at all. But at least I'm not comatose the whole day and I can focus at work and not hack all over the place. Oh yea...and my coworkers aren't telling me that I look like crap. Thanks guys...because..yea, hearing I look like crap makes me feel loads better. Helloww!!

Let me tell you...thing sick stuff sucks ass. Now I have to catch up on all the stuff I couldn't do when laid up like cleaning, organizing and decorating...and oh, yea...blogging.

Sick and Dying...

*tickle, tickle*, *cough, cough*

Uh-oh...a sore throat brings much foreboding. But I didn't think about it much on Tuesday. It was an annoyance really. I hate sore throats with a passion. I don't like feeling that irritation...the itch which inevitably brings about coughing. Maybe if I ignored it...it would go away.

Oh...if only I were so lucky. Wednesday came and went and I felt about the same. A friend convinced me to go to dinner and I went with the theory that I needed to eat anyways. The sore throat, hot weather (90+ degrees) and the food...made me extra sleepy and tired. I was not feeling well at all! Thursday came...along with a cough and sneezing. For something that I thought I could ignore and would go away...this ailment was definitely making it's presence known...and not in a way that I appreciated. I was so exhausted and lethargic. My brain kept going around in circles about all the stuff I should do or needed to do but the fact of that matter was that my body was failing me. I was sick...I just wasn't quite ready to accept the reality.

That is until Friday...I woke up with a raw throat and a *bubble head*. I was so congested...talking and breathing was difficult. I could not go into work like that! Despite having a growing pile of projects to complete and things to double check due to constant miscommunications with other departments. I could not go in...no way...no how. I called my coworker to explain and left a message for one of the bosses and stayed home all day. Ok...almost all day. I had to get groceries so I could feed the cold. That was difficult in itself considering I was having breathing issues due to the congestion. Most of the day, I stayed in bed and daydreamed about all the things I wanted to do...go check out a movie...go to Ti Couz and pick at my favorite seafood salad and ice tea and relax...go get my nails done...all that sounded fabulous! Until I snapped back to reality and remembered that I was in fact sick and this was not a hooky day. Gawd, how I wished it was a hooky day so I can catch up on my personal *wants* and relish the beautiful weather. Instead, I was coughing, sneezing, hacking, doped up on meds and lucky if I could even make it down the 50 steps to the street and to the car without passing out. Friday was not a good day...at all.

Saturday came around and I thought it was better. I felt better...less sore throat but still with the cough and congestion. I decided to keep my appointment for a facial and do a little shopping. I was fine for a while and then got tired and decided I best get home. Once I got home, things took a turn for the worse. My eye started bugging me and bottom line was I gave myself a damn eye infection. So I basically traded in that sore throat for a red, oozing, swollen eye. Great...really attractive! Didn't help that I had a date planned for the next day that I had to cancel entirely. Basically...things sucked up the wazoo! I do not make a good sick person. I get angry and whiny and impatient and agitated. I was so unhappy that I was missing out on a fantastic, beautiful weekend and had no control over my body whatsoever. It's awful when your body betrays you!

And by Sunday...I was downright miserable. I managed to get a doctors appointment to get the meds I needed to get rid of all my ailments. Medical technology is a wonderful thing...drugs are even better. I am hoping that by Friday...my cough, eye grossness, congestion and throat issues are long gone. I need to enjoy the next weekend...nice weather, fireworks, Fourth of July. My F-ed up body better get back on track by then or I will be highly upset with myself. I need to have fun and enjoy the city.

Ugh, I HATE being sick!!!

OMG...Is it F*ckin' June Already!?!?

What the heck happened?! FUCK!

Yea, yea...I've heard it from a lot of you. I haven't blogged in AGES! But seriously...how did it become June? *sigh*

So where did I leave off in the story of my life? Oh yea...Chicago!

So Chicago was a great trip but it was way too short and a little disappointing. I know a lot of people love Chicago but I was left with a feeling that I would only really go back to Chicago if it was convenient and only because there were quite a few things that I didn't get to see or experience that I really wish I had. I wish we had time to go to a jazz or blues club and relax and take advantage of the nightlife and the 4am alcohol curfew. In Chicago, bars are open until 4am! Can you believe it? It sounds fantastic to me. There were some Deco architecture tours I'd have loved to check out but the tours were not available on the days that we were there. Not to mention the boat tour.

When we first booked out trip, we were under the assumption that Chicago in May was fantastic! Spring weather, sunshine, light breeze...great walking around the city and be a tourist weather. Instead...we encountered with frigid, cold, borderline threatening to rain weather. We walked around in heavy jackets, scarves and gloves and would periodically stop, look at each other and say "it's fucking cold!". Actually...we probably said that like every block because it WAS fucking cold. The weather definitely put a crimp in our mood and in some of our plans.

But we did some fun stuff like see the view of Chicago from the Hancock Conservatory, walked the Magnificent Mile many, many times, shopped, went to millennium Park, checked out the Art Institute and tried a bunch of trendy (but not necessarily fantastic) restaurants.

What was fantastic? The sidecars at the Westin Bar...mmmmmmm....sidecars! After a couple of those, I can transport myself back to the 40's where I'm in a cute dress and flirting with a fab guy in a zoot suit. What...oh...sorry...daydreaming. And the margaritas were really good at Frontera Grill.

But you know...I would not advise anyone to repeat the same trip we made...too little time and with the flying out to Chicago at the break of dawn on a Saturday and coming back late Monday...we were beat! We tried to be party people and gear up to go out and have fun but as 11pm came around, the nodding off started as well as the uncontrollable yawning and the heavy eyelids. Gawd, we suck! See what old age starts doing to ya! =)

So that is the recap on Chicago...and yet so much has happened since. I swear, I will get caught up!! Stay tuned...

Rain?!? In Chicago?!?

WHAT!!?!?!?!

After surviving through four straight months of rain...the last thing I want to deal with it water drops falling from the sky! But it looks like I have no choice. The weather forecast for my weekend in Chicago is rain, rain and more rain! *sigh* Can't a girl get a break...even on vacation?! Oh well...it's still a new city to be explored. It may be a tamer weekend than I expected but I'm in good company and it will be fun!

Take care all!

Chicago, Here I Come!!

So I am off to the *Windy City*! Land of amazing food, deep dish pizza, the Cubs, etc. Should be an interesting experience. I've never been to Chicago before and am totally clueless about what the sites are, what I will be doing and what I want to do! Good plan, huh?! But you know what? I'm not even stressed about that. It's such a short trip and I'm all about exploring places without any real purpose and stumbling upon something cool. I've gotten a lot of recommendations about where to eat and things to bring back and cool touristy places to visit so I am all set! It's exciting!! I've never been to the Midwest before but the people there seem friendly when they are in California so we'll see what it's like when I am on their turf!

Have a fantabulous weekend and I'll have Chicago stories when I get back!

Alcoholoroscopes

So...what's your drinking style??


ARIES

Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS

Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI

Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER

Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO

Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO

Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA

Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO

Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS

Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN

Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS

Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well (except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES

Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know.

My Addiction

So after much self-analyzation, I've discovered that I have my own sort of weird and insane addiction. An addiction to dating. Yea, I know sounds weird. People are addicted to booze, sex, drugs...but dating?! But I have been dating so much for so long that it seems like it needs to be a part of my life. So much so that I often put dating and meeting strangers ahead of my need to relax, my need to do laundry, my need to pay bills and my need to do my own thing. Why does a stranger take precedence over me? Especially when dating hasn't really paid off for me. Yes, I've met a lot of interesting people and I've acquired a lot of stories for my *All American Chick Lit Novel* but is it really worth it anymore? God knows I have enough research for the book and life is too short to be wasting on strangers right now. But to actually stop dating is a trial. I am so addicted to dating that I feel like I have to continue because *what if I lose out on meeting that one terrific guy if I stop. He may be my next blind date!* And even though I meet cool, interesting people, I can't grasp on that enough because I need to feed the addiction and date more guys and meet more people because even though this guy is cool, the next may be better. So bad. So after talking to a dear friend...ok...more like being lectured by a dear friend, I convinced myself that it's time to stop dating and take a break. I've pulled the profile and am going to focus on being out in the sun, organizing the apartment so it's fantabulous, being with my friends and enjoying all the things I miss because I've been too busy dating. The goal is to love and appreciate the things that make me again so that I don't have to dwell so much on the dating fiascos and that I will be more open to meeting a great guy for a *long term relationship* and give up my role of being a *chronic dater*. Because, let me tell you...being a chronic dater can be a total drag! Fun stories...but a drag.

The Demise of *The Guy*

Me and *the guy*…yea….do we see where this story is going? So me and *the guy* called it quits. Actually I did. Surprise, surprise!! But, hey…I stuck it out and tried to relax and as more time passed…I got more irritated. Fact is for being *together*, we weren’t together a lot and I definitely was not seeing the action that I wanted to be seeing.

All right…so let me explain…

Problem #1: Not astrologically compatible. Ok. So this isn’t a huge deal. I have dated the difficult signs…like Taurus…and the serious signs…like Cancer. But I was dealing with a Capricorn which is both difficult AND serious. And everything I read said that Libra and Capricorn was a match made in hell. Uh-oh…what?! Must tread very carefully. We weren’t a match made in hell…just conflicted.

Problem #2: Any guy I date has to have just a little bit of boldness and aggressiveness under their belt. I like to feel pursued and wanted. Instead, here I was pursuing him. I was the one making the arrangements and driving into the city to meet him. Really…what is that?! And I do not consider comments like *hey, you looked great Friday night…awwww, I am so sweet* cute. Ok…things are nice until you go and acknowledge that what you said was cute. And opening doors and then saying *I can be such a gentleman* is not really gentlemanly. Considering I have male friends that open my car doors, let me into restaurants before they enter, order for me and just take care of me in general…even though I am not a romantic interest, *the Guy* really was not a true gentleman. But I forgave him because he was cute and dorky. Oh yea…and after 9 dates…you’d have expected to have gotten some sort of action.

Problem #3: A Guy should definitely have some *cohones*. If I feel like I have more *cohones* than the guy...that is a bad thing. Then that makes me feel like I am the guy in the relationship and the guy is the girl. BAD!!! Again...this goes into the whole wanting to be wanted mentality.

Problem #4: Distance. It's hard when one lives in Oakland and the other lives on the Peninsula. You have to deal with 30 miles and a bridge. Hey...it may not seem like a big deal but when it's the girl doing all the driving and the guy just sits their waiting and that girl hates driving in the first place...totally big deal!!

Problem #5: Whining indecisive men are not attractive. I am indecisive. This is where the boldness and assertiveness that I want in a man comes into play. I want a guy that can make a decision. Where do you want to eat? I don't know...you decide. How about Italian? Perfect. See...easy! If I don't feel like Italian...I'd bring it up and suggest something else. Now when two people are going rounds and rounds trying to decide something...I am ready to throw my hands up in the air and go in the opposite direction. I mean...really...does it have to be so hard. And if said guy has something in mind...just say it! Pu-lease...just say it. Do not wait for me to suggest 10 other things to do before I come up with your idea and you agree to that. Talk about a waste of time...cohones...see...we're back to problem #3.

Too much stuff driving me crazy and with his whole *girls on Match are just looking for sex* comments, I wasn't about to sleep with him if I wasn't sure if I even wanted to continue seeing him. Because of that I did have to deal with *pent up* issues but like a dear friend reminded me, that is why we have Good Vibes (www.goodvibes.com). Hmmm...maybe that's too much information. Awww, heck...who are we kidding. Women have their toys and men have their porn and some have both. And people who don't realize that are living in Timbuktu!

Damn...

It's been two weeks already?! Where does the time go?!

I got stories..and stories...and more stories. I just need to try and sit down to type them all!

I hope you all have a sunny fabulous weekend! Here is to no more rain...Yay!!

Dear Neighbor...

I’m the new girl who lives above you. I’m a pretty good neighbor. I don’t throw parties, I try to take off my high-heeled shoes when I get home so I don’t clunck around the apartment and stomp all around your head. I haven’t been playing music or movies loud since I’ve barely been home. Yes, there’s the occasional Cash or Buble singing moment but they are legends in their own time and I have a pretty decent singing voice so you are getting entertained for free!

You’re a pretty decent neighbor. I don’t hear *much* noise. But I don’t care what the landlord says, I *know* they haven’t insulated the ceiling between our apartments. I can hear the mumbling of voices. I can hear your wife or girlfriend’s laugh, which is kinda high-pitched. I also can hear when she slams the frigging door to the apartment and yells at you in the hallway. Hellow!! The hallway is communal…you want to quiet it down over there?! Jeez…all I want in life is quiet...like that’s so much to ask. Especially at night! Thank god I’m not hearing you guys go at it because frankly, I can’t even deal with that stuff.

But what drives me close to insane is the snoring. Dude...really...go to a sleep clinic. Your snoring wakes *me* up. I sleep in a different apartment and hear you! And even though the high-pitched laughing, yelling at you girlfriend/wife annoys me...I feel bad for her being stuck sleeping with you. You must be hot or something...or she must be a very deep sleeper. But unfortunately, I'm stuck being a light sleeper now...and your snoring wakes me up! It makes me very cranky and tired on those mornings that I wake up wondering what woke me up and then listen carefully and hear the low but constant rumbling coming from your apartment. Grrrr!! Stop snoring! I'm sleep deprived because of you!

Would it be ok to slip a sleep clinic brochure and the bill for my earplugs under your door?? *sigh*

Confessions of a Commitment-Phobe

Hello…my name is Valerie and I am a commitment-phobe.

And the sad truth is that I so am! I know this…I realize it…I can’t help it! I have the strongest “get out and run” reflex this side of the Mississippi. And I always have. I have no idea what my issue is! I have a very strong independent streak. I am stubborn. I am picky. I know what I want…sometimes. But when it comes to men…I freak out, get nervous and stressed out and it just becomes easier for me to leave than figure out what is making me feel the way I feel.

So I recently met a guy who is the guy in my head. I’m not sure if that makes sense. But I think everyone goes around with the image of the guy they see themselves with. I realize that in life, that doesn’t always happen. So *the guy* is tall, has dark features, has the absurdedly coveted goatee, is attractive, smart, funny and an all around good guy. So what is the problem? There isn’t really anything wrong with him at all. Not at all! And if I had to really think about why things could be a total bust…the only things that come to mind are that he isn’t as bold or aggressive as I am used to and that he lives farther than I would like. Considering that we’ve only been on four dates, that isn’t really a deal breaker. He can be shy. He can be very respectful and over analyzing what I mean by “going slow” from my match profile.

The other day, I called my dear friend to kind of get her point of view. Of course, I never come out and just say it. I ask her how she ended up meeting her husband and how things were in the beginning, etc. before I go into details of *the guy*.

She stops and asks me “So, what excuse are you coming up with now?”

Me: What do you mean?

Her: C’mon Valerie, you are such a commitment-phobe. What’s wrong with *the guy*?

Me: Start laughing hysterically in the middle of grocery store (I may be banned from TJ’s now for being a crazy person!) Well, nothing really is wrong with *the guy*. He’s nice and sweet and gives me my space and is really understanding but he isn’t very aggressive and he lives kinda far and it seems like a drag.

Her: Some people have weekend relationships and he’s just shy. Reee-lllaaaaxx! Have fun with it.

Me: Yea, yea…you’re right. What’s wrong with me? How come I always freak out? He’s a nice guy. He’s *the guy* in my head. People look at his picture and know why I’m with him. Why am I so friggin’ phobic!?

I am totally phobic. I realize this and it frustrates me. I am scared of many things. I am scared of losing my personal time. I am scared of having to answer to someone else. I am scared of letting my guard down enough to be completely taken over by someone. I am scared of giving my heart to another and having it stomped to bits. I am scared of falling in love and I am scared of someone falling in love with me. I completely and totally am scared of all of this and probably more. Do I have reason to be scared…yes…but not to the point of being this completely phobic that I am about to run away from *the guy* who fits the *hot guy with geeky qualities* that I have been looking for everywhere! I thought he didn’t exist but he does!

So I am going to take a step back, take a deep breath and RE-LAX and just see where things take me.

Please Stop Raining!!

Ugh...people can only take so much rain! Is this what the folks in Seattle go through? Now what they say about the insane amount of rain and depression and it being the state with the highest rate of suicide totally makes sense! I cannot take anymore rain!!

And of course, when the sun finally pokes through...I am sick and can't go out since I can barely walk three blocks without having the insane desire to pass out on the sidewalk. Yea...that'd be great! Can you imagine? And if something like that ever happened to me, the guys at work would hear about it and I'd never live it down.

It rained 25 days in March and we're probably going onto 5 days for April. Never do I remember as much rain in the Bay Area as this year.

It's spring! I want to go out and take a stroll in the crisp air, be excited about going to the park over the weekend, go to the outdoor festivals on a sunny Saturday and have all of the outdoors at my use without worrying about whether or not I have an umbrella, if I am wearing the right shoes or getting raindrops on my glasses. Ohhhh...I hate raindrops on my glasses. Because not only am I wet and cold...I'm also blind. Damn rain!! Give me a break!

Please, please stop the raining!!

The Art of Blogging

So I tell people that I blog...but how true is that?

We all know that I have not been blogging lately...and it isn't for a lack of wanting to. It's been more that I have been so insanely busy, I barely know what to do with myself. But I miss blogging and I miss my audience and I miss telling my outrageous insane stories. Seriously, I have no idea how I got my life...ok...I know how I came to exist and dude, I'd rather not think about that because that's kind of eeewwwww. Eewwwwww! Ugh I just grossed myself out. Ok, what I mean is that weird and strange shit happens to me...mainly because I internet date and well...there are some *cough* interesting characters out there. And with that territory comes interesting, crack me up, *NOWAY!* stories.

Life these past six months have been a roller coaster...but a fun one. A new job, a new apartment, a new city...everything has been a new change and a change for the better. I've dated here and there and have had fun but sometimes I think I take too much on. I haven't had the alone down time I am used to and that alone time is blog time baby! I want to be proud to say that *I blog...you should check me out at blahdeblah*...not *oh well, I kinda blog but I've been so busy I haven't had time lately but there are some good stories from a few months ago*. Yea...that DOES not cut it in my book!

The first step in the Art of Blogging is to blog and be proud of it! And that's just what I am going to do. So stay tuned to FogCityDweller for future programming.

R.I.P. Sean

In life, you come across people that stay with you forever and some that stay with you for just a moment. I was recently surprised and saddened to hear that this young, cute guy to the left, passed away. A interesting life that was taken away way too soon. It's hard to accept death, whether it be a family member or a friend. The truth of the matter is that Sean was neither to me. But I was still affected and sad.

So a week ago, I heard on the news that a surfer drowned at Ocean Beach. I didn't think much of it. Sadly, it's happened to many before. The waves and surf is pretty rough and frigid out there. A couple of days later, I grabbed the paper so I could read it and saw a picture of Sean on the front page and did a double take. The drowned surfer was him! Shock, surprise and disbelief.

About a year and a half ago, Sean was one of the guys I started talking to off of Match.com. He seemed smart, sweet, cute, interesting and an all around nice guy. We set up a time to meet and at the last moment, neurotic me cancelled our date and I never rescheduled. Life was too busy, I was too lazy to go through another "interview", he wasn't completely my type...whatever my lame excuse may have been...I always resented that I never contacted him to try and explain and reschedule. As the months went by, I would come across his profile on Match and think that maybe if I emailed him, I could apologize and maybe meet him for coffee. He just seemed like such a good guy amongst all the freaks and crazies I normally end up dating. But I never did...

I don't think I could have changed destiny or that I would have been able to save him that day if I was more involved in his life. He discovered a love for surfing and that love and thrill killed him. But I guess there is that feeling of "you never know what could have happpened".

To a wonderful life extinguished too early...Rest in Peace Sean.

Isn't it great...

when you feel like crap...you get comments like this...

"you could pass for 22 - being 30 looks so good on you. =)"

Bob...you are the greatest! Let me know if you need a backup singer for your band! =)

The Selfish Year

That's what I have proclaimed this year to be. Many may say that I was selfish enough this past year but in my mind, I consider 2005 to be the "lost year". Last year I spent way too much time and effort trying to get my life back on track while dating a conveyor line of losers. Ok, that's harsh. They weren't all losers...some were nice guys but they just weren't the guys for me. But despite 2005 being the lost year....all the hard work and sleepless nights and hard decisions finally came through. I found a job I love and just moved to an apartment and neighborhood that I never dreamed I could have. The sad part...or perhaps not so sad...was leaving the city. I no longer live in fog and that is probably the strangest part of everything. But deep down inside, I will always be a FogCityDweller...a city girl at heart with big city attitude. My small town coworkers seem to love the dripping sarcasm and the "get your act together" tone and I love that I am accepted for me and not this false act that I have to put on for work. The apartment is awesome! It's a mess and needs a loving touch which I haven't had the time or energy to put into the place yet but it has all the qualities I ever wanted. Of course, I would have wanted all this in the city but the rents are too high and I never would have been able to afford it. So now I get to work with firemen and live in an awesome pre-WWII apartment building two blocks from the main drag. Who couldn't be happier?!

So it took me a very long time to get this point and I am still not 100% "there". Finding a job and a place that I enjoy has been a challenge and I still need to find the man that compliments me. That seems to be the hardest thing ever! But for the time being...I need to be selfish. There are a lot of things I miss that I haven't had the time for lately. Blogging is one of them...as well as stitching, knitting, reading, watching movies and wandering aimlessly. I need to reclaim these things!

I still have the same mentality about dating. I date once in a while and if I can't make an immediate determination on attraction, I falter and falter big time. Why can't I come to the realization that it is pretty difficult to find a total stud muffin of a guy with a geek mentality? It's impossible! Give it up Valerie!! But I can't..I meet great guys that I seem to have loads in common with but in my mind...I see myself with studmuffin. Beauty is only skin deep...I know this. I get upset when guys just dish the compliments about my looks but not about my personality. So why am I a hypocrite in this area. I want to be appreciated for more than just my looks because there is more to me than that. Why can't I do the same?

And it doesn't help that when I do meet someone that I seem to get along with really well and am contemplating "giving it a chance" despite the whole attraction thing, the ex resurfaces and not in a good way. He's depressed and I am worried. And I worry for two reasons...worried because he seems so incredibly down and in the dumps and worried for the wave of emotions that takes over whenever I hear from him. I guess deep down, the feelings of love are still there. I love him...but I am not "in love" with him. We're too different and a pretty darn good sex life with him isn't enough to maintain anything. I just need to find that and more with someone else.

So as much as the new job and the new place have made me quite happy, I still need to focus on me and my likes and wants. I am not as settled or in the position that I would like to be.