I give up! I am sitting here knowing that I should be taking the time to clean my apartment. If it was a game between me vs. the apartment...the apartment is winning. You guys should now be worried. I mean, if you don't hear from me for a while, it may just be because the apartment won and I am now buried under the 100 cd's that fell on the floor, magazines, mail, xmas items, old computer parts and all the other crap that is littered all over the place. Who has time for cleaning! And if I have the time...that usually is the last thing I want to do.
I need to clean...I mean...it's xmas time and I want to put up my tree...but I just started looking at apartments because...yup, I need to move. I want to move closer to work because the commute is killing me! So should I put up the tree of just pack up my stuff. I mean, I don't want to move right at the new year...just thinking about it freaks me out but at the same time...what the heck am I waiting for. I think I'll put up the tree and just start packing everything else to prepare fpr the day when I find THE place.
Wish me luck!
Friday, December 02, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Happy Turkey Day!!
Happy Thanksgiving! Sorry for the disappearance…yet again. Things seriously have gotten crazy for me lately and that is minus all the insane dating. I mean…I still date…once in a while. But nowhere near the confusing and time consuming guy juggling that I was doing earlier in the year. And you know what that means…not as many interesting stories! I know…you guys are crushed!
A good friend of mine reminded me that one of the hardest times of transition for someone is when they start a new job and I cannot agree with her more right now. I started my new job in August…3 months ago! I am still trying to find my routine and without a routine…I am a scatterbrained mess. I am behind on calls, emails, blogging and cleaning. I have no time for anything other than commuting, working and visiting with the parentals/friends and making sure I get fed some way or another. Forget dating! I had to take my profile down because I was seriously blanking on whether I had already spoken to someone and what their name was. Seriously! I even went to the point of emailing this guy and telling him it was great chatting with him but that it would be nice to know what his name was (since he never signed off on the emails…HATE that by the way!). After I hit the send button, I realized that he had told me what his name was in his original email to me and I had just forgotten. Ugh!! So then I had to email back and make some excuse. Amazingly…the guy is still talking to me weeks later. Probably because we are both too busy to be starting over with other people and we have enough commonalities. Although, he is a little too serious for my taste…but we’ll see.
Overall, nothing exciting has happened. A couple of dates here and there, a longer commute and just plugging along. My parents are both finally back from their Nicaraguan excursion and in town through the holidays and I was able to escape to Puerto Vallarta for 6 blessed days of sun and nothing else. I’d give anything to be back on the beach. Two days back and I was back to the same daily grind.
So all in all…the same old stuff. Over the past month, I had things to talk about and I would make a mental note of “hey, must remember this to blog about”, but you know what, I can’t f-in remember what the hell those stories are now. So I will just leave it at this.
I hope everyone has a fantabulous holiday weekend and I’m sure I’ll have more interesting things to share after the weekend because, you know…family just does that to you.
A good friend of mine reminded me that one of the hardest times of transition for someone is when they start a new job and I cannot agree with her more right now. I started my new job in August…3 months ago! I am still trying to find my routine and without a routine…I am a scatterbrained mess. I am behind on calls, emails, blogging and cleaning. I have no time for anything other than commuting, working and visiting with the parentals/friends and making sure I get fed some way or another. Forget dating! I had to take my profile down because I was seriously blanking on whether I had already spoken to someone and what their name was. Seriously! I even went to the point of emailing this guy and telling him it was great chatting with him but that it would be nice to know what his name was (since he never signed off on the emails…HATE that by the way!). After I hit the send button, I realized that he had told me what his name was in his original email to me and I had just forgotten. Ugh!! So then I had to email back and make some excuse. Amazingly…the guy is still talking to me weeks later. Probably because we are both too busy to be starting over with other people and we have enough commonalities. Although, he is a little too serious for my taste…but we’ll see.
Overall, nothing exciting has happened. A couple of dates here and there, a longer commute and just plugging along. My parents are both finally back from their Nicaraguan excursion and in town through the holidays and I was able to escape to Puerto Vallarta for 6 blessed days of sun and nothing else. I’d give anything to be back on the beach. Two days back and I was back to the same daily grind.
So all in all…the same old stuff. Over the past month, I had things to talk about and I would make a mental note of “hey, must remember this to blog about”, but you know what, I can’t f-in remember what the hell those stories are now. So I will just leave it at this.
I hope everyone has a fantabulous holiday weekend and I’m sure I’ll have more interesting things to share after the weekend because, you know…family just does that to you.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Some people...
Some people deserve what they get...others do not. Some people give while others only take. Some people love while others only hate and some people pick themselves up constantly despite being knocked down time and again. I feel like one of the latter. Someone who just wants to be happy despite the bullshit.
It's hard to be bright and happy when you've felt as though your family has been under attack for years and all you want is justice and the right to retain what is rightfully yours.
Many don't know the details or the plight. It's depressing and stressful to talk about and when I do, I get agitated and mad at a man who uses connections for the wrong reasons and a country that is so behind the times. But I will now...the saga isn't completely over. More is to come...and how long this will take is beyond me but I can only hope that what happened today will open the eyes of many who protected the man who took so much away from all of us. From me, my brother, my sister, my mother but most importantly, from my father.
Four years ago, we began the battle to get a house back in Nicaragua. It is a house that has been in our family for five generations. My father grew up in this house and when he was younger, he dreamed of retiring back in Nicaragua. To find some repose after years of difficult blue collar work to support three kids. But after so many years in the states...he got used to the fog and I think a small part of it had to do that he couldn't bear to be far away from me. I'm the youngest...the only one he was allowed to hold right after being born and the bond between father and daughter became forever strong. Sure he drives me crazy and we don't see eye to eye but that's to be expected when there is a 47 year age gap.
About 6 years ago, my father decided to rent the house in Nicaragua. My great-aunt passed away and it was just sitting empty. Renting that house was the biggest mistake of our lives. Never did we think that man who rented the house was corrupt, a liar, an opportunist and a thief. Four years ago, he decided he didn't need to pay rent anymore and that he made enough home improvements to the house that wasn't even his...and improvements which he didn't actually do. And in his sick and twisted mind, he decided that the house was his and that he didn't need to pay rent anymore.
The court system in Nicaragua is still very corrupt. Many of the judges are old timers who were there under Sandinista rule and if someone is willing to grease their hand a little, they'll swing whatever way the money will despite who is right and who is wrong. We aren't that way. We believe in justice instead of out and out greed. The renter was lucky enough to have ties and connections and apparently money since he wasn't paying us rent to be greasing the hands of many a judge and many an attorney. Four years of headaches...four years of lies and four years of fighting to get back a house that was ours...IS ours. My great-grandfather is probably rolling over in his grave at the horror that we were so close to losing this house...HIS house to this monstrous man and his equally monstrous and selfish family. God forbid they WORK to retain property like my ancestors did...all in the hope of providing for their family and their family and so on. THAT house is a legacy! And for four years my father battled appeal after appeal for whatever stupid little discrepancy the renter's attorney could find. In the back of his mind, my father worried about losing out on the legacy...what he had counted on to leave for his family. And today...there was a sweet reward. For two weeks we anticipated the eviction would be today. And we waited with bated breath what the outcome would be. If we would be thrown a wrench at the last minute. We weren't...my father was given the key the night before and went to the house this morning with the judge and the police to take possession of our home.
And I think that FINALLY the judge realized what sort of a BASTARD we had been dealing with for the better part of a decade. What sort of man everyone protected. The fact that we had to plead with the President to ask for help and assignment of someone who could help us in this case. My mother pleaded with the President because my father was too proud to ask for help from a distant relative that he barely knew. Yes...the prez is a relative. My mother wasn't so much...we needed help. We needed a "clean" attorney. We were refused by so many attorneys because the renter was friends with everyone it seemed like, from his Sandinista days.
As with many things...there is a good side and a bad side. The good is that we now have possession of the house. The bad is that he took everything. All the antique furniture my aunt stupidly left in the house because she was to lazy to find storage. All of it...gone. All the wires from the electrical sockets...ripped out. Sink basins and toilets...stolen. Garden....dug up. Water bill and electric bill...left unpaid. He raped my entire family by doing this. He took everything, he sucked us dry. The money to fix the electrical, the garden, change the locks, pay the bills in default, buy an iron gate and hire a securty guard. It is endless. I hope my parents realize that this is done. To fix the house, sell it and just settle here. The only thing that Nicaragua holds for me...for us..is family. There is so much pain. This is the second attempt to get back property. We sold the first...this is the second. If you don't live there...it's not worth it. As beautiful as the country is, the people are opportunists. Who needs to live somewhere where people rob each other in such a blantant disregard of possessions and property.
The destruction was intentional and I hope to God...there being one...that his hand strikes down hard, heavy and precise. Justice still needs to be served in my eyes. Again, we must go through court proceedings to claim stolen property. My mother is besides herself at the loss of all that furniture. I hope this situation opened the judge's eyes. We are not dealing with a "respected member of society". He is a criminal and needs to be dealt with accordingly. May he rot in jail and may his family suffer as much as ours.
My father is thousands of miles away and I feel the intense need to be with him. I don't think he should be alone. He is 77 years old. He doesn't need this kind of stress. He should be relaxing and enjoying retirement instead of working to get a house back to it's former colonial beauty and protecting it from blatant criminals. To putter around the garden, to walk around the house with his TV Guide "bible", to bicker with my crazy mom and to tell me I am right and mom is crazy. I miss my dad. He's been gone since February and even though I was lucky enough to see him for a week in July...that isn't enough. With this second proceeding, who knows when he will come back . His man has robbed months and years of quality time between me and my dad in his golden years. He is not a young man...nor is he a healthy man but my dad is a workhorse.
And from thousands of miles away, I think about how much my dad has dealt with...oftentimes, alone. All for the sake of family...and I think about the man who almost took it all away...who still managed to escape with much...and I feel such deep and intense hatred that it makes me mad and sad. Mad that someone is so fucking blind at the justices of the world and the simple concept of right vs. wrong and sad that I can feel such hatred for someone else and of the time taken away from my father.
I can only hope that justice be served in one form or another...
It's hard to be bright and happy when you've felt as though your family has been under attack for years and all you want is justice and the right to retain what is rightfully yours.
Many don't know the details or the plight. It's depressing and stressful to talk about and when I do, I get agitated and mad at a man who uses connections for the wrong reasons and a country that is so behind the times. But I will now...the saga isn't completely over. More is to come...and how long this will take is beyond me but I can only hope that what happened today will open the eyes of many who protected the man who took so much away from all of us. From me, my brother, my sister, my mother but most importantly, from my father.
Four years ago, we began the battle to get a house back in Nicaragua. It is a house that has been in our family for five generations. My father grew up in this house and when he was younger, he dreamed of retiring back in Nicaragua. To find some repose after years of difficult blue collar work to support three kids. But after so many years in the states...he got used to the fog and I think a small part of it had to do that he couldn't bear to be far away from me. I'm the youngest...the only one he was allowed to hold right after being born and the bond between father and daughter became forever strong. Sure he drives me crazy and we don't see eye to eye but that's to be expected when there is a 47 year age gap.
About 6 years ago, my father decided to rent the house in Nicaragua. My great-aunt passed away and it was just sitting empty. Renting that house was the biggest mistake of our lives. Never did we think that man who rented the house was corrupt, a liar, an opportunist and a thief. Four years ago, he decided he didn't need to pay rent anymore and that he made enough home improvements to the house that wasn't even his...and improvements which he didn't actually do. And in his sick and twisted mind, he decided that the house was his and that he didn't need to pay rent anymore.
The court system in Nicaragua is still very corrupt. Many of the judges are old timers who were there under Sandinista rule and if someone is willing to grease their hand a little, they'll swing whatever way the money will despite who is right and who is wrong. We aren't that way. We believe in justice instead of out and out greed. The renter was lucky enough to have ties and connections and apparently money since he wasn't paying us rent to be greasing the hands of many a judge and many an attorney. Four years of headaches...four years of lies and four years of fighting to get back a house that was ours...IS ours. My great-grandfather is probably rolling over in his grave at the horror that we were so close to losing this house...HIS house to this monstrous man and his equally monstrous and selfish family. God forbid they WORK to retain property like my ancestors did...all in the hope of providing for their family and their family and so on. THAT house is a legacy! And for four years my father battled appeal after appeal for whatever stupid little discrepancy the renter's attorney could find. In the back of his mind, my father worried about losing out on the legacy...what he had counted on to leave for his family. And today...there was a sweet reward. For two weeks we anticipated the eviction would be today. And we waited with bated breath what the outcome would be. If we would be thrown a wrench at the last minute. We weren't...my father was given the key the night before and went to the house this morning with the judge and the police to take possession of our home.
And I think that FINALLY the judge realized what sort of a BASTARD we had been dealing with for the better part of a decade. What sort of man everyone protected. The fact that we had to plead with the President to ask for help and assignment of someone who could help us in this case. My mother pleaded with the President because my father was too proud to ask for help from a distant relative that he barely knew. Yes...the prez is a relative. My mother wasn't so much...we needed help. We needed a "clean" attorney. We were refused by so many attorneys because the renter was friends with everyone it seemed like, from his Sandinista days.
As with many things...there is a good side and a bad side. The good is that we now have possession of the house. The bad is that he took everything. All the antique furniture my aunt stupidly left in the house because she was to lazy to find storage. All of it...gone. All the wires from the electrical sockets...ripped out. Sink basins and toilets...stolen. Garden....dug up. Water bill and electric bill...left unpaid. He raped my entire family by doing this. He took everything, he sucked us dry. The money to fix the electrical, the garden, change the locks, pay the bills in default, buy an iron gate and hire a securty guard. It is endless. I hope my parents realize that this is done. To fix the house, sell it and just settle here. The only thing that Nicaragua holds for me...for us..is family. There is so much pain. This is the second attempt to get back property. We sold the first...this is the second. If you don't live there...it's not worth it. As beautiful as the country is, the people are opportunists. Who needs to live somewhere where people rob each other in such a blantant disregard of possessions and property.
The destruction was intentional and I hope to God...there being one...that his hand strikes down hard, heavy and precise. Justice still needs to be served in my eyes. Again, we must go through court proceedings to claim stolen property. My mother is besides herself at the loss of all that furniture. I hope this situation opened the judge's eyes. We are not dealing with a "respected member of society". He is a criminal and needs to be dealt with accordingly. May he rot in jail and may his family suffer as much as ours.
My father is thousands of miles away and I feel the intense need to be with him. I don't think he should be alone. He is 77 years old. He doesn't need this kind of stress. He should be relaxing and enjoying retirement instead of working to get a house back to it's former colonial beauty and protecting it from blatant criminals. To putter around the garden, to walk around the house with his TV Guide "bible", to bicker with my crazy mom and to tell me I am right and mom is crazy. I miss my dad. He's been gone since February and even though I was lucky enough to see him for a week in July...that isn't enough. With this second proceeding, who knows when he will come back . His man has robbed months and years of quality time between me and my dad in his golden years. He is not a young man...nor is he a healthy man but my dad is a workhorse.
And from thousands of miles away, I think about how much my dad has dealt with...oftentimes, alone. All for the sake of family...and I think about the man who almost took it all away...who still managed to escape with much...and I feel such deep and intense hatred that it makes me mad and sad. Mad that someone is so fucking blind at the justices of the world and the simple concept of right vs. wrong and sad that I can feel such hatred for someone else and of the time taken away from my father.
I can only hope that justice be served in one form or another...
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
A Failed Attempt...
Well, I should be relaxing and knitting but I have a stack of mail beside me to go through and all I can think about if how I was so eager to start cooking by myself. To save a few dollars on take-out and be a normal adult. I mean, I have been subsisting on salads, canned soup and sandwiches for the better part of three years.It's time I learn the right side of a knife and learn the difference between chopped and julienne. So I come here to share my failed attempt. A friend (hi AM) gave me this recipe for curry...I'm a huge fan of curry...thai, indian...it doesn't really matter. But I rarely eat it out and thought it would be good if me, Ms. White Girl, could make some yummy curry. Well, it smelled yummy. It looked yummy BUT...it certainly did not taste yummy. Something happened. WHAT HAPPENED!! *sigh* Apparently I was not given "the gift". I obviously oversalted it almost to the point of inedible. I feel a little defeated.
To make myself feel better, I made a pie. No...I wasn't gonna eat the whole pie myself! I already have issues fitting into my pants. But the pumpkin festival is this coming weekend, I love pumpin anything (bread, pie, ice cream,pancakes). Yummmmmmmm! I made the pie to take to work...it was a hit. I knew it would be. Pumpkin pie is easy...and I make a good one. So I kind of redeemed myself.
As far as the curry..."if at first you don't succeed, try, try again". So...I guess I'll try again.
To make myself feel better, I made a pie. No...I wasn't gonna eat the whole pie myself! I already have issues fitting into my pants. But the pumpkin festival is this coming weekend, I love pumpin anything (bread, pie, ice cream,pancakes). Yummmmmmmm! I made the pie to take to work...it was a hit. I knew it would be. Pumpkin pie is easy...and I make a good one. So I kind of redeemed myself.
As far as the curry..."if at first you don't succeed, try, try again". So...I guess I'll try again.
Sunday, October 09, 2005
I'm in Love!
Yep...I'm in love with this really hot guy who's fit, funny, hot, smart, looks good in tight tee-shirts, friendly, honest and hot. I even find his Texas accent attractive. What is up with THAT?
Here's his picture...isn't he dreamy?! His name is George and he's a Crime Scene Investigator. He works graveyard so I don't get to see him much...
Here's his picture...isn't he dreamy?! His name is George and he's a Crime Scene Investigator. He works graveyard so I don't get to see him much...
Oh was I saying that out loud?! Oopsie...seriously though...isn't he friggin hot! I wish I was a super smart nerdy scientist so that I could clone him and have my very own George Eads.
I am now a CSI addict because of him. Well that and the fact it's a very good show despite the grody parts. I know when, what time and what channel the show is on. Thank goodness for Netflix too. I am on disc three of season one...I got lots of George to watch. Yum!
If there is one thing...
Well, you know about the Plague of Crap overtaking my life...like that isn't enough to keep my mind occupied. But there is also something else. Guilt trips. If there is one thing I can't stand...it's a guilt trip. I was raised Catholic. I know how to dish out a really good guilt trip. I try not to because I know how it feels to be on the receiving end. I've received endless ones and as a child, I had no choice but to sit there and obsess about what I did wrong, what I could have done better, etc. As an adult, I refuse to put up with it. I have reasons for not emailing, not calling, not visiting, not whatever the case may be.
I am busy! And just because I am single does not mean I do NOT have a life. I resent being made to feel that way. Being single does not mean that work is my ENTIRE life. I am not sitting at home every evening waiting for the phone to ring or replying to endless emails. I am a busy single person. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I am not a hermit and at home all the time. It's bad because I don't have time to call, email or visit everyone who expects me to.
I work a full time job. I have to wake up at 6am to leave by 7am for my hour commute. Mornings suck...I hate mornings and leaving the house by 7am is one, impossible and two, painful. I work my hours and drive home, in traffic and get home around 6pm. Not bad unless I have to run errands...Target, the supermarket, produce market, gas station, passing by my parents house, doing laundry. If I don't have to run an errand, I come home, make something to eat, go through my mail, watch a little CSI, make a lunch for work the next day, go online and try to get through emails (I can barely email from work) and by the time I finish, it's usually past 10pm and I have to go to sleep to start the cycle over again. I obviously (!) barely have time to even blog, let alone do the things I truly enjoy like stitching, knitting, going to see movies, relaxing over coffee at the shop. I am always on the run.
Some days, I have a date, dinner plans with friends or an exercise class after work. Sometimes, I have to work on banking...mine AND my parents...that's double the bills to deal with AND double the math. I stop by my parent's house to collect mail, water the plants, check the house, call my dad and talk to the neighbors. My mom is back in town, that means more visits to the house, more errands because she doesn't get around very well and more headaches.
I am the product of older parents and with that comes more responsibilities...especially when my siblings don't pull their fair share. I live alone and there is only me. Only I am responsible for my well being.
I hope this explains my absense via blogging, phone, email or otherwise. I truly am a busy person. I always have been.
Welcome to my life...
I am busy! And just because I am single does not mean I do NOT have a life. I resent being made to feel that way. Being single does not mean that work is my ENTIRE life. I am not sitting at home every evening waiting for the phone to ring or replying to endless emails. I am a busy single person. It's good and it's bad. It's good because I am not a hermit and at home all the time. It's bad because I don't have time to call, email or visit everyone who expects me to.
I work a full time job. I have to wake up at 6am to leave by 7am for my hour commute. Mornings suck...I hate mornings and leaving the house by 7am is one, impossible and two, painful. I work my hours and drive home, in traffic and get home around 6pm. Not bad unless I have to run errands...Target, the supermarket, produce market, gas station, passing by my parents house, doing laundry. If I don't have to run an errand, I come home, make something to eat, go through my mail, watch a little CSI, make a lunch for work the next day, go online and try to get through emails (I can barely email from work) and by the time I finish, it's usually past 10pm and I have to go to sleep to start the cycle over again. I obviously (!) barely have time to even blog, let alone do the things I truly enjoy like stitching, knitting, going to see movies, relaxing over coffee at the shop. I am always on the run.
Some days, I have a date, dinner plans with friends or an exercise class after work. Sometimes, I have to work on banking...mine AND my parents...that's double the bills to deal with AND double the math. I stop by my parent's house to collect mail, water the plants, check the house, call my dad and talk to the neighbors. My mom is back in town, that means more visits to the house, more errands because she doesn't get around very well and more headaches.
I am the product of older parents and with that comes more responsibilities...especially when my siblings don't pull their fair share. I live alone and there is only me. Only I am responsible for my well being.
I hope this explains my absense via blogging, phone, email or otherwise. I truly am a busy person. I always have been.
Welcome to my life...
Saturday, October 08, 2005
The Plague of Crap...
The Plague of Crap is taking over my life. It started taking over about a week before my 30th birthday when I realized that for 30, I haven't accomplished much. I don't own anything other than my piece of junk car, I do not have a significant other, I live in a fairly crappy building and frankly, I feel down in the dumps about all of this and more. The only thing I have going for me at the moment is a very cool job that I enjoy.
So let's break it down...
My junk car...is sucking me dry. It's a good car, it runs well, it hasn't really given me very many problems but it's getting old and needs those "old car repairs". Boots that are cracked, tires that are worn and God knows what else. I'm just not in a position to be dealing with this shit because I'm...well...I'm broke. Yea, what else is knew. But you know I am feeling the penny pinch when I am actually cooking and making things at home because I am trying to save a few bucks for...car repair. Yea, exciting. I'd feel better if I was doing it for something fun like...new shoes!
No significant other...this is driving me nuts. I've been single for a long time. I know how to do it, I'm fine with it but I am also bored with it. I want someone to go to live music with, festivals and fairs, to share the paper over coffee at the local shop, to cuddle with at the movies, to get dressed up, be arm candy and take the city by storm. But here I am, on a Saturday night, blogging my sob story to the world. I have been dating constantly since January and have met more duds than ever! Why can't I meet someone decent. I am cute, independant, funny, honest, loyal and an all around great person (if I do say so myself!). I am one of the last single ones in my circle of friends and it sucks the big one. I'm always a third wheel and it sucks even further that they don't have a pool of me to set me up with. I'm left to completely fend for myself. And after nine months of dating, I am still at the same place I left off. Single, alone and with no one. At 30, I'd always imagined that I'd have been married and maybe working on kid #1. Right now, I don't think I am ready for kids but I am definitely ready to settle down. Obviously that is not in the cards for me now...who knows if it ever will be. I know that I am made of strong stuff...I'm strong, stubborn, opinionated, capable, beautiful and independant. If I had to be alone, I could be but the thing is...I don't want to be. I really don't. I am tired of the dating though...but I can't seem to stop. It's like an addiction. I need to go to a "Daters Anonymous" meeting. I try and then I decide to go on another date with another dud because "well, you never know...". They are ALL duds and with each dud I go out with...I become more bitter and cynical. I really need to stop and reconnect with myself.
Crappy building...I want to move. I've wanted to move since four months into my one year lease three years ago. But again, the money issue comes into play. I am hoping that at the beginning of the new year, I can move out of the fog to a sunnier area...and cut some minutes off my morning and evening commute at the same time.
And the other stuff...I am always so busy and so tired, running from one place to the next trying to do things for myself and my parents. I spend a lot more time in my car and less time walking and I feel like I'm carrying extra pounds that will NOT come off.
I feel down, I don't feel like talking to people much, I am too busy to have the alone time I need and frankly, I am officially down in the dumps. Thank god I get to see hot firemen at work. Everything is not completely lost.
So let's break it down...
My junk car...is sucking me dry. It's a good car, it runs well, it hasn't really given me very many problems but it's getting old and needs those "old car repairs". Boots that are cracked, tires that are worn and God knows what else. I'm just not in a position to be dealing with this shit because I'm...well...I'm broke. Yea, what else is knew. But you know I am feeling the penny pinch when I am actually cooking and making things at home because I am trying to save a few bucks for...car repair. Yea, exciting. I'd feel better if I was doing it for something fun like...new shoes!
No significant other...this is driving me nuts. I've been single for a long time. I know how to do it, I'm fine with it but I am also bored with it. I want someone to go to live music with, festivals and fairs, to share the paper over coffee at the local shop, to cuddle with at the movies, to get dressed up, be arm candy and take the city by storm. But here I am, on a Saturday night, blogging my sob story to the world. I have been dating constantly since January and have met more duds than ever! Why can't I meet someone decent. I am cute, independant, funny, honest, loyal and an all around great person (if I do say so myself!). I am one of the last single ones in my circle of friends and it sucks the big one. I'm always a third wheel and it sucks even further that they don't have a pool of me to set me up with. I'm left to completely fend for myself. And after nine months of dating, I am still at the same place I left off. Single, alone and with no one. At 30, I'd always imagined that I'd have been married and maybe working on kid #1. Right now, I don't think I am ready for kids but I am definitely ready to settle down. Obviously that is not in the cards for me now...who knows if it ever will be. I know that I am made of strong stuff...I'm strong, stubborn, opinionated, capable, beautiful and independant. If I had to be alone, I could be but the thing is...I don't want to be. I really don't. I am tired of the dating though...but I can't seem to stop. It's like an addiction. I need to go to a "Daters Anonymous" meeting. I try and then I decide to go on another date with another dud because "well, you never know...". They are ALL duds and with each dud I go out with...I become more bitter and cynical. I really need to stop and reconnect with myself.
Crappy building...I want to move. I've wanted to move since four months into my one year lease three years ago. But again, the money issue comes into play. I am hoping that at the beginning of the new year, I can move out of the fog to a sunnier area...and cut some minutes off my morning and evening commute at the same time.
And the other stuff...I am always so busy and so tired, running from one place to the next trying to do things for myself and my parents. I spend a lot more time in my car and less time walking and I feel like I'm carrying extra pounds that will NOT come off.
I feel down, I don't feel like talking to people much, I am too busy to have the alone time I need and frankly, I am officially down in the dumps. Thank god I get to see hot firemen at work. Everything is not completely lost.
Saturday, October 01, 2005
Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday Dear Me...
Happy Birthday to me!!
Yea, I turned 30 today...and along with it came the Plague of Crap!
Happy Birthday to me...
Happy Birthday Dear Me...
Happy Birthday to me!!
Yea, I turned 30 today...and along with it came the Plague of Crap!
Sunday, September 11, 2005
Happily Single
Yes, that would be me...happily single. It's better to be happy by yourself than be unhappy and miserable to be with someone else. And that's where things were going with K. Things were awesome in the beginning! I was happy. We were having fun. Things were great...until we established exclusivity. And then the chase was basically over on his part and I felt like we were living out a 10 year marriage. No sex, no passion, no plans, no nothing. But I was driving my ass 80 miles one way to spend time with him...and go with him to run HIS errands. Oh, the romance! And obviously, I was putting out more of the effort. I was getting tired of hearing the I'm tired, I'm too full, I've got work to do...etc. I mean, aren't those considered "girl" excuses?!After too many visits like that, I bid him goodbye, put my profiles back up and am back to doing my own thing and maybe dating...if someone interesting comes along.
"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love...is a complete waste of time" and in this case...K was a complete waste of my time. I can't believe I put up with that shit for as long as I did.
And so I live my happily single existance.
"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love...is a complete waste of time" and in this case...K was a complete waste of my time. I can't believe I put up with that shit for as long as I did.
And so I live my happily single existance.
Three Weeks In
Ummm....Hi! Remember me? Yea! The author of this blog...yes, that would be me. Umm...no, I wasn't on vacation. No..No...Nothing happened to me. No really, I'm fine...I swear. But you know this new job...WoW! It's been really keeping me busy and I haven't been able to find the time to blog. Awww...you've missed me?! I've really missed you guys too!
So I've been at the new job for three weeks, now going on four and I LOVE IT!! It's challenging, fun and the people I work with are great. Oh and Ummm, did I mention I work with firemen?! *sigh* It's great!
Benefits are great, there's sun, I can get to work via car instead of the dreaded MUNI and it's completely different from what I was doing before. The only downside is that my commute sucks ass since I am NOT a morning person at all. I don't even have time to stop and get Starbucks! Hey now!! Getting good coffee in the morning is the only way some people make it through the day!
Oh, yea...and 80% of the firemen are already married. Oh well...I still love my job anyways!!
So I've been at the new job for three weeks, now going on four and I LOVE IT!! It's challenging, fun and the people I work with are great. Oh and Ummm, did I mention I work with firemen?! *sigh* It's great!
Benefits are great, there's sun, I can get to work via car instead of the dreaded MUNI and it's completely different from what I was doing before. The only downside is that my commute sucks ass since I am NOT a morning person at all. I don't even have time to stop and get Starbucks! Hey now!! Getting good coffee in the morning is the only way some people make it through the day!
Oh, yea...and 80% of the firemen are already married. Oh well...I still love my job anyways!!
Never Forget...
It's amazing to think how much can happen in four years and yet, it not really be a very long period of time. I spent the day looking at crappy apartments I can afford and beautiful apartments I can't. Walking around a fairly affluent and trendy neighborhood that I enjoy while window shopping and drinking coffee. But in the back of my mind, I couldn't help thinking about how we go through everyday motions in the wake of sadness, despair and natural disaster. We do this because we have to...one foot in front of the other...everyday motions. The errands...grocery store, dry cleaning, going here and going there. The talking to friends, the dating, going to work, paying the bills, making meals, washing dishes, putting away laundry. These are the everyday motions of my life and what makes one day progress into the other.
So on this day, September 11th, 2005, I reflect. Reflect on a day, four years ago when every red-blooded American sat glued to their TV in horror of an act of terrorism against our nation. Something so horrible, that I personally thought I had switched to some action movie before realizing, I had turned on the news and the scene of a plane hitting the World Trade Center, being played over and over and over again, had actually happened. What was going on?! I just remember watching the news in shock before making my way upstairs to see my dad watching the same thing as I had been on TV. We looked at each other in disbelief while I was trying to make sense of the how, the who and the why while trying to get ready for work. On my way to the Bart Station, my coworker called me to say our boss didn't want us coming in to work because since our office was close to the Transamerica and Bank of America buildings, two of the tallest buildings in San Francisco, he was scared they would be a terrorist target. So I turned around, went home and watched hours and hours of news coverage through my tears. And at some point, I turned off the tv, called the Ex and we spend the evening together just to have companionship with another person and have an excuse not to get sucked into the horror of the TV and the reality of the day.
In the end...I was lucky...no one I knew died that day. I was safe on the other coast. Some people I now know, were not so lucky. Friends, spouses, parents, siblings senselessly taken away. For what really?! I still do not understand it to this day. But despite me not understanding, I will not forget.
And we shouldn't...and that's why I take the time to remember this day four years ago and the people who were taken away from their loved ones and the people who stayed behind to pick up the pieces. And I sit here and think of those who worked ground zero, doing their duty as many were police officers and firefighters, hoping to find survivors and dreading finding bodies. A position I would never dream being in...yet these guys...they volunteer! The need to protect and serve their community lies so deep within themselves that they put themselves in danger everyday. And I sit here in awe.
As I now work for the fire department, four guys were deployed to assist with the search and rescue efforts due to Hurricane Katrina. Some of these same guys worked Ground Zero four years ago. They are part of a special task force...they endured hours of special training to be part of this special group of women and men that are called for in tragic emergency situations and they are confronted by situations and things that we pray not to endure ever in our entire lives. They work long hours in areas of great risk to their safety and in the end, despite the long hours, unstable terrain, finding survivors and victims and physical and mental strain, all they care about is that they are helping people. And then there are the folks who volunteer to do the same thing. They put their lives on hold to go to the assistance of others. And I wish I could be as selfless as them.
Never forget...
So on this day, September 11th, 2005, I reflect. Reflect on a day, four years ago when every red-blooded American sat glued to their TV in horror of an act of terrorism against our nation. Something so horrible, that I personally thought I had switched to some action movie before realizing, I had turned on the news and the scene of a plane hitting the World Trade Center, being played over and over and over again, had actually happened. What was going on?! I just remember watching the news in shock before making my way upstairs to see my dad watching the same thing as I had been on TV. We looked at each other in disbelief while I was trying to make sense of the how, the who and the why while trying to get ready for work. On my way to the Bart Station, my coworker called me to say our boss didn't want us coming in to work because since our office was close to the Transamerica and Bank of America buildings, two of the tallest buildings in San Francisco, he was scared they would be a terrorist target. So I turned around, went home and watched hours and hours of news coverage through my tears. And at some point, I turned off the tv, called the Ex and we spend the evening together just to have companionship with another person and have an excuse not to get sucked into the horror of the TV and the reality of the day.
In the end...I was lucky...no one I knew died that day. I was safe on the other coast. Some people I now know, were not so lucky. Friends, spouses, parents, siblings senselessly taken away. For what really?! I still do not understand it to this day. But despite me not understanding, I will not forget.
And we shouldn't...and that's why I take the time to remember this day four years ago and the people who were taken away from their loved ones and the people who stayed behind to pick up the pieces. And I sit here and think of those who worked ground zero, doing their duty as many were police officers and firefighters, hoping to find survivors and dreading finding bodies. A position I would never dream being in...yet these guys...they volunteer! The need to protect and serve their community lies so deep within themselves that they put themselves in danger everyday. And I sit here in awe.
As I now work for the fire department, four guys were deployed to assist with the search and rescue efforts due to Hurricane Katrina. Some of these same guys worked Ground Zero four years ago. They are part of a special task force...they endured hours of special training to be part of this special group of women and men that are called for in tragic emergency situations and they are confronted by situations and things that we pray not to endure ever in our entire lives. They work long hours in areas of great risk to their safety and in the end, despite the long hours, unstable terrain, finding survivors and victims and physical and mental strain, all they care about is that they are helping people. And then there are the folks who volunteer to do the same thing. They put their lives on hold to go to the assistance of others. And I wish I could be as selfless as them.
Never forget...
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Emotional Uncertainty
"You don't handle emotional uncertainty very well, although you don't mind your own ambivalence. You just don't like it when it comes from someone else. You might be feeling somewhat miffed because you aren't sure what is going on out there. Don't worry about what to do; concentrate instead on how you feel. Keep in touch with your emotions, no matter what comes into awareness."
Welcome to my horoscope for today. And all I can say is that for once in my life, I can say that it is dead on...sadly. I forgot the uncertainly that comes from new relationships. The trying to figure out what the other is feeling, thinking, etc. The "do they like me as much as I like them", "are they truly attracted to me" and the "do we truly make a good couple". After being single for a good long time, I've forgotten about this part...and I'm not really liking it.
The past two weekends with K have not gone according to plan and I am feeling a little lost, a little uncertain and clearly...a lot miffed! I've been reassured that he is still interested in me and in seeing me, yet...I'm not feeling it. I'm not getting the attention I want and need and that's sad considering he already lives 80 miles away from me to begin with. We can't even see each other every day...we are committed to seeing each other during the weekends only. You'd think they'd be fantastic and planned and that we'd have options of things to do. At least I would...why can't he? Do I really have to be the planner? Even in a city I don't live in? I won't go into details here. I'll just say that I am taking a step back and taking in the scene. Things had better improve...or else the firemen working in my department are looking better and better by the minute!
Welcome to my horoscope for today. And all I can say is that for once in my life, I can say that it is dead on...sadly. I forgot the uncertainly that comes from new relationships. The trying to figure out what the other is feeling, thinking, etc. The "do they like me as much as I like them", "are they truly attracted to me" and the "do we truly make a good couple". After being single for a good long time, I've forgotten about this part...and I'm not really liking it.
The past two weekends with K have not gone according to plan and I am feeling a little lost, a little uncertain and clearly...a lot miffed! I've been reassured that he is still interested in me and in seeing me, yet...I'm not feeling it. I'm not getting the attention I want and need and that's sad considering he already lives 80 miles away from me to begin with. We can't even see each other every day...we are committed to seeing each other during the weekends only. You'd think they'd be fantastic and planned and that we'd have options of things to do. At least I would...why can't he? Do I really have to be the planner? Even in a city I don't live in? I won't go into details here. I'll just say that I am taking a step back and taking in the scene. Things had better improve...or else the firemen working in my department are looking better and better by the minute!
Monday, August 08, 2005
It's Official!
So I had a phenomenal weekend with K! He surprised me with a dozen long stemmed roses, we had a nice dinner on Friday night, we baked in the sun for a while at the ball game, drove to the town he lives in and just veged, slept and took a nice long scenic ride back to San Francisco. It wasn't jam packed with things to do but it was comfortable and nice. We had a conversation once he took me back home about profiles being up and exclusivity, etc. And the decision was made. He was going to take down his profile. Mine was already down because my subscription ran out and I didn't want to deal with any more guys contacting, especially if I couldn't contact them anyways. K asked what I wanted out of the relationship right now and I told him that I wanted to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Ha! Doesn't that sound so high school?! So K is my boyfriend and I couldn't be happier. Finally, after years of being a chronic dater and commitment-phobe, I've come across someone I want to be with. Someone who doesn't trigger the "get out and run" default mechanism programmed in my head. You know, the one that has me running around like a chicken with her head cut off screaming about how some guy keeps calling and wants to spend so much time with her, etc. Yea, I have heard the "Valerie, you are making too much of a deal out of nothing. He's interested in you...relax." Yea, I've heard that a lot. And despite me being a commitment-phobe and K being commitment-minded, I find that the "get out and run" reflex isn't being triggered...and that's a good feeling. It seems like I am finally growing up! Who woulda thunk it!
Friday, August 05, 2005
The News
So.....I haven't told you guys about my news. I got a new job!! Yay!!! *twirling around like a dork*
Let me just say that I have been looking for a new job, off and on...for almost two years. Yep...that long. I've read hundreds of want ads, sent out loads of cover letters and resumes, had interviews and even tests and nothing. Zip, zero, nada. Until the end of July. I interviewed for a position that I had interviewed for last October and DID NOT get. I was crushed. It was what seemed like a dream job and I interviewed very well for it. Not to mention I was #2 on the eligibility list. Yea, I know...I ROCK! Obviously, the guy who interviewed me is blind. Well, fast forward to last month and they asked me to come in for another interview. I do a little research and find out that the people who interviewed me last year are no longer there. Interesting...
I go into the interview a little apprehensive because I am worried about being rejected again and despite feeling like I didn't do my best in the interview...I GOT THE JOB! Yay!!! I am so excited and even better is that it's a support job for the Fire Department. Yep...that's right. Hot guys in uniform. *sigh* I can't wait.
Even better is that things with me and my guy (aka Guy #2) are going well...fast but good. We'll see where things lead...
Someone pinch me...I actually have a little string of good luck going here! Actually...don't pinch me...let me ride it out a bit.
Let me just say that I have been looking for a new job, off and on...for almost two years. Yep...that long. I've read hundreds of want ads, sent out loads of cover letters and resumes, had interviews and even tests and nothing. Zip, zero, nada. Until the end of July. I interviewed for a position that I had interviewed for last October and DID NOT get. I was crushed. It was what seemed like a dream job and I interviewed very well for it. Not to mention I was #2 on the eligibility list. Yea, I know...I ROCK! Obviously, the guy who interviewed me is blind. Well, fast forward to last month and they asked me to come in for another interview. I do a little research and find out that the people who interviewed me last year are no longer there. Interesting...
I go into the interview a little apprehensive because I am worried about being rejected again and despite feeling like I didn't do my best in the interview...I GOT THE JOB! Yay!!! I am so excited and even better is that it's a support job for the Fire Department. Yep...that's right. Hot guys in uniform. *sigh* I can't wait.
Even better is that things with me and my guy (aka Guy #2) are going well...fast but good. We'll see where things lead...
Someone pinch me...I actually have a little string of good luck going here! Actually...don't pinch me...let me ride it out a bit.
"The Men" Update
Ok, gotta update you on the men. This will be a brief recap from the last two weeks. Wow, I am really THAT behind.
Guy #1...Mr. Brazilian I wanna sleep with you guy who obviously must think I truly am a "repressed american" since I never heard from him after our second date. Yea, the one where he asked me if we were going to my place or his. I am NOT in this dating game for a booty call...well, that's a perk but I am in it for the long haul. To find a guy I feel is worth opening myself up to and to experience the ups and downs of a long term relationship with. Obviously, this guy was NOT it. And Valerie moves on...
Guy #2...Mr. Lives Far but is Cool guy. We have talked practically everyday since the week after I got back from my vacation. We've had three dates with date #4 and date #5 coming up this weekend. I find myself thinking about him throughout the day and wanting to talk to him. I haven't liked someone this way in so long that I am finding it very strange...but cool. I think he may just be feeling the same way. Things are still very new and I am not sure where they are headed but I am looking forward to the possibilities. Guy #2 is a keeper in my book.
Guy #3...Mr. Needs to Get Over Himself. If there is one thing I cannot stand is last minute planners and those that insist it be on their terms. I had a date set up with this guy two weeks ago to the day. We were supposed to meet up for drinks and see where things went. At 7pm, that Friday night, he calls me to arrange the actual meet up. Um, yea...this does not fly in my book. I already had one foot out the door to go shopping! He calls me and I ask him what is going on and he says that he would still like to meet..at 930pm! Yea, I don't think so. I ask to reschedule and he says it's either that night or we cancel outright because he was going to leave for Mexico City in a week for a month. What?! Well, what was the point of meeting if he was going to leave for a month. I told him if he still wanted to meet me after he came back to call me and we'd see if we set something up. He says fine and that he would send me pictures during his trip so I "wouldn't forget about him". Yea, whatever...I haven't heard from him and I'll die before being a "beck and call" girl. I've tossed that one in the crapper.
Guy #4...Mr. On my Time. A little reminiscent of Guy #3. Calls at the last minute like I have nothing better to do than wait for him to call me on the weekend to go out for the same day. Doesn't he know that there are rules? You do not call a girl Saturday afternoon to go out that same afternoon or evening unless you two are very good friends or already in the midst of dating. In the beginning and especially for a first date, that is a huge no-no! We had been playihng email and phone tag for the longest time and I finally heard back from him last night. Considering things with Guy #2 are heading in a direction that I like, I don't want to meet Guy #4. So I've bid him adieu. Bye Guy #4.
So all I have is Guy #2 who I hope sticks around for a while. Wish me luck!!
Guy #1...Mr. Brazilian I wanna sleep with you guy who obviously must think I truly am a "repressed american" since I never heard from him after our second date. Yea, the one where he asked me if we were going to my place or his. I am NOT in this dating game for a booty call...well, that's a perk but I am in it for the long haul. To find a guy I feel is worth opening myself up to and to experience the ups and downs of a long term relationship with. Obviously, this guy was NOT it. And Valerie moves on...
Guy #2...Mr. Lives Far but is Cool guy. We have talked practically everyday since the week after I got back from my vacation. We've had three dates with date #4 and date #5 coming up this weekend. I find myself thinking about him throughout the day and wanting to talk to him. I haven't liked someone this way in so long that I am finding it very strange...but cool. I think he may just be feeling the same way. Things are still very new and I am not sure where they are headed but I am looking forward to the possibilities. Guy #2 is a keeper in my book.
Guy #3...Mr. Needs to Get Over Himself. If there is one thing I cannot stand is last minute planners and those that insist it be on their terms. I had a date set up with this guy two weeks ago to the day. We were supposed to meet up for drinks and see where things went. At 7pm, that Friday night, he calls me to arrange the actual meet up. Um, yea...this does not fly in my book. I already had one foot out the door to go shopping! He calls me and I ask him what is going on and he says that he would still like to meet..at 930pm! Yea, I don't think so. I ask to reschedule and he says it's either that night or we cancel outright because he was going to leave for Mexico City in a week for a month. What?! Well, what was the point of meeting if he was going to leave for a month. I told him if he still wanted to meet me after he came back to call me and we'd see if we set something up. He says fine and that he would send me pictures during his trip so I "wouldn't forget about him". Yea, whatever...I haven't heard from him and I'll die before being a "beck and call" girl. I've tossed that one in the crapper.
Guy #4...Mr. On my Time. A little reminiscent of Guy #3. Calls at the last minute like I have nothing better to do than wait for him to call me on the weekend to go out for the same day. Doesn't he know that there are rules? You do not call a girl Saturday afternoon to go out that same afternoon or evening unless you two are very good friends or already in the midst of dating. In the beginning and especially for a first date, that is a huge no-no! We had been playihng email and phone tag for the longest time and I finally heard back from him last night. Considering things with Guy #2 are heading in a direction that I like, I don't want to meet Guy #4. So I've bid him adieu. Bye Guy #4.
So all I have is Guy #2 who I hope sticks around for a while. Wish me luck!!
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Mosquitos, Heat Rash and Sunburn....Oh My!!
Hmmm....I've been putting off talking about my trip to Nicaragua because everyone I tell responds by saying "it doesn't sound like you had a good trip". In some respects, I didn't. But the overall goal was achieved and that makes it a success in my eyes...and crazy mind!
The whole purpose of the trip was to spend time with the family and see my relatives and basically have a little reunion back "home" in Nicaragua and to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of my parents. Can you believe it!? I think it's a miracle they didn't kill each other! But despite their differences, it's easy to see now how much they care and love each other. They got married in 1955 and my dad headed to America in search of the "american dream" and better opportunities. My mom stayed behind with a newborn and waited until my dad had saved enough money to bring them both back to America with him. That took about a year. Since then, they had two more kids, lived in two houses, managed to make the payments on blue collar jobs, lived through car accidents and hospitalizations and have two grandkids. There have been a lot of ups and downs over the last 50 years but they've stuck through it...and I am proud of them. They wanted to celebrate this in Nicaragua, surrounded by the original members of the wedding party at the church they got married in way back when. So details went into full spin just a mere month ahead of the anniversary. It was difficult figuring this stuff out when thousands of miles away, working like crazy, looking for a new job AND interviewing, dating very attention-needy men and trying to keep my life from falling apart all together. But you know what? It all worked out really well.
The renewal of vows was at the same church they got married 50 years ago and for the part where they actually exchanged vows again, we were moved from the main alter to the mini alter they knelt before 50 years ago. It was very heartfelt and touching to be there and experience what they had so many years ago. The love was evident. And that made the bad things about the trip so worth it. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't even be here and despite the bickering and the fighting that I would always hear growing up as a kid, it was determined that day that under it all...love existed and that was all that mattered.
But I have to mention the bad...the mosquitos, heat rash and sunburn. Ack! Now I know why I live in foggy SF. There is no or very limited A/C and I can barely stand 75 degree weather. It was 90+ and humid in Nicaragua and I was dying and sweating everyday. Not to mention the mosquitos! OMG, they were eating me alive and ummm, did I forget to mention that I am allergic?! Yea, these bites swell up, get inflammed, itch like mad and I look like some weird pink polka dotted freak. I am not a happy camper!! Add heat rash cuz I am sweating (see 90+ and humid) and a sunburn. Luckily not a major one but seriously, I was out in the sun for like 15 minutes without any sunscreen and *ka-blam*, I'm all pink. *sigh* All a girl wants to do is tan around here!!
So...YES, there were some rocky parts about my vacation (which was almost a month ago...can we say I am behind on blogging!!?) but I had a good time, the parentals were happy, I bonded with my cousin and I left sad and wishing I still had a day or two to do the rest of the things I didn't have time for. I mean, I was even starting to get used to the heat! Can you believe it!? Me...used to heat? It's unheard of!
The whole purpose of the trip was to spend time with the family and see my relatives and basically have a little reunion back "home" in Nicaragua and to celebrate the 50th wedding anniversary of my parents. Can you believe it!? I think it's a miracle they didn't kill each other! But despite their differences, it's easy to see now how much they care and love each other. They got married in 1955 and my dad headed to America in search of the "american dream" and better opportunities. My mom stayed behind with a newborn and waited until my dad had saved enough money to bring them both back to America with him. That took about a year. Since then, they had two more kids, lived in two houses, managed to make the payments on blue collar jobs, lived through car accidents and hospitalizations and have two grandkids. There have been a lot of ups and downs over the last 50 years but they've stuck through it...and I am proud of them. They wanted to celebrate this in Nicaragua, surrounded by the original members of the wedding party at the church they got married in way back when. So details went into full spin just a mere month ahead of the anniversary. It was difficult figuring this stuff out when thousands of miles away, working like crazy, looking for a new job AND interviewing, dating very attention-needy men and trying to keep my life from falling apart all together. But you know what? It all worked out really well.
The renewal of vows was at the same church they got married 50 years ago and for the part where they actually exchanged vows again, we were moved from the main alter to the mini alter they knelt before 50 years ago. It was very heartfelt and touching to be there and experience what they had so many years ago. The love was evident. And that made the bad things about the trip so worth it. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't even be here and despite the bickering and the fighting that I would always hear growing up as a kid, it was determined that day that under it all...love existed and that was all that mattered.
But I have to mention the bad...the mosquitos, heat rash and sunburn. Ack! Now I know why I live in foggy SF. There is no or very limited A/C and I can barely stand 75 degree weather. It was 90+ and humid in Nicaragua and I was dying and sweating everyday. Not to mention the mosquitos! OMG, they were eating me alive and ummm, did I forget to mention that I am allergic?! Yea, these bites swell up, get inflammed, itch like mad and I look like some weird pink polka dotted freak. I am not a happy camper!! Add heat rash cuz I am sweating (see 90+ and humid) and a sunburn. Luckily not a major one but seriously, I was out in the sun for like 15 minutes without any sunscreen and *ka-blam*, I'm all pink. *sigh* All a girl wants to do is tan around here!!
So...YES, there were some rocky parts about my vacation (which was almost a month ago...can we say I am behind on blogging!!?) but I had a good time, the parentals were happy, I bonded with my cousin and I left sad and wishing I still had a day or two to do the rest of the things I didn't have time for. I mean, I was even starting to get used to the heat! Can you believe it!? Me...used to heat? It's unheard of!
Thursday, July 21, 2005
It's Raining Men!
Yes, I KNOW! Yes, I remember what I said just a mere week ago. I am not THAT forgetful. But I don't know what happens here. Seriously...I've no idea.
I came back from vacation (yea, still working on that story) and decided that since I was paid through this past Wednesday, I would put my profile back up on Match.com...and I got bombarded!
And I am now juggling 4 guys...four! My personal limit is 3 because after that, I start getting confused and freaking out and we all know you don't want to be near me when I am freaking out. So here is the lowdown.
Guy #1 = Actually met him off another site that I am up on but not a member of. Since he included his email in his initial contact, I was able to touch base off the site. All I can say is tall, dark and totally handsome. Brazilian, new to the city, into design, loves music, plays the drums (uh-oh!), has a touch of ink, loves old cars and motorcycles, has biker persona and is a total flirt. And when I say total flirt, I mean totally brazilian, agressive and open about sex. At the end of the second date, which was last night, as I attempted to say my goodbye, he asked me if we were going to his place or my place. I told him we were going to our own places and we'll figure things out later. After only having spent a total of five hours in each other's company, he asked me if WE were spending the night at his place or my place! Hmmmm, never had that approach before!Those Brazilian boys move fast!
Guy #2 = Met him on match. He actually resurfaced from a year ago. We had gotten to the point of talking on the phone and I blew him off after it dawned to me that he lived far and I wasn't willing to drive that far to meet someone or carry on a relationship. After the amount of stalkers, freaks and smotherers I have dated over the last two years, a little forced distance doesn't seem so bad...at least for the beginning. He is another of those established, older, successful guys that are sporty, meaning into golfing, swimming, skiing and baseball. *cough* Yea, I don't do any of those! I'll watch....well...I'll watch baseball. Ferget the rest of that stuff! This should be interesting. But he makes me laugh, we talk on the phone for a bit almost everyday and he isn't stressing me out...which is nice.
Guy #3 = Another match guy. He is the declared *hottie* by my friends. And he is...a hottie...but I think Guy #1 is the ultimate hottie in my eyes. He's another latin guy with the cultural background and love of tequila. ..successful, established, etc. Why are all these guys successful and established?! It's good and all but it just points out the fact to me that I am NOT! Anyways...we've talked and hit it off and we hope to meet tomorrow.
Guy #4 = Yet another match guy...it's the only place I meet men! We have been emailing off and on for over a month and can never connect to talk on the phone or meet. Lots and lots of phone and email tag going on lately. Hopefull we'll connect soon and just schedule a time to meet.
So I am back to juggling despite my profile finally being down. I am adamant about keeping it down for a while. Yea, yea, I know...you've heard that one before!
I mean it...I swear!
I came back from vacation (yea, still working on that story) and decided that since I was paid through this past Wednesday, I would put my profile back up on Match.com...and I got bombarded!
And I am now juggling 4 guys...four! My personal limit is 3 because after that, I start getting confused and freaking out and we all know you don't want to be near me when I am freaking out. So here is the lowdown.
Guy #1 = Actually met him off another site that I am up on but not a member of. Since he included his email in his initial contact, I was able to touch base off the site. All I can say is tall, dark and totally handsome. Brazilian, new to the city, into design, loves music, plays the drums (uh-oh!), has a touch of ink, loves old cars and motorcycles, has biker persona and is a total flirt. And when I say total flirt, I mean totally brazilian, agressive and open about sex. At the end of the second date, which was last night, as I attempted to say my goodbye, he asked me if we were going to his place or my place. I told him we were going to our own places and we'll figure things out later. After only having spent a total of five hours in each other's company, he asked me if WE were spending the night at his place or my place! Hmmmm, never had that approach before!Those Brazilian boys move fast!
Guy #2 = Met him on match. He actually resurfaced from a year ago. We had gotten to the point of talking on the phone and I blew him off after it dawned to me that he lived far and I wasn't willing to drive that far to meet someone or carry on a relationship. After the amount of stalkers, freaks and smotherers I have dated over the last two years, a little forced distance doesn't seem so bad...at least for the beginning. He is another of those established, older, successful guys that are sporty, meaning into golfing, swimming, skiing and baseball. *cough* Yea, I don't do any of those! I'll watch....well...I'll watch baseball. Ferget the rest of that stuff! This should be interesting. But he makes me laugh, we talk on the phone for a bit almost everyday and he isn't stressing me out...which is nice.
Guy #3 = Another match guy. He is the declared *hottie* by my friends. And he is...a hottie...but I think Guy #1 is the ultimate hottie in my eyes. He's another latin guy with the cultural background and love of tequila. ..successful, established, etc. Why are all these guys successful and established?! It's good and all but it just points out the fact to me that I am NOT! Anyways...we've talked and hit it off and we hope to meet tomorrow.
Guy #4 = Yet another match guy...it's the only place I meet men! We have been emailing off and on for over a month and can never connect to talk on the phone or meet. Lots and lots of phone and email tag going on lately. Hopefull we'll connect soon and just schedule a time to meet.
So I am back to juggling despite my profile finally being down. I am adamant about keeping it down for a while. Yea, yea, I know...you've heard that one before!
I mean it...I swear!
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Quotes...
I've been thinking about a couple of things lately. The most popular question I get asked during "get to know you" conversations with new potentials is "what's your favorite movie?" Now I am a pretty honest sort of gal and I have to admit that my favorite movie is Dream for an Insomniac. Yea, I know....you've never heard of it. And guys especially have NEVER heard of it since it's a chick flick. And I have to explain the story line and who the actors are, etc.
For me, the main draw is that there are loads of Sinatra and Cake songs...and I am addicted to both. It's 1/2 in black and white and 1/2 in color and Ione Skye cracks me up. She is sarcastic and cynical and she believes that the guy of her dreams is out there and she will not settle for anything less.
"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love, is a complete waste of time".
And you know what...I agree with her. Why settle for anything less? During all my dating frustrations, I remember that. I deserve it, I want it and I need it...and I will not settle for anything mediocre or lackluster just to have a "someone" in my life.
This other thought has popped into my head. Do you believe in "love at first sight"? I don't think I do. I've never fallen in love with anyone at the sight of them. It's been a slow gradual process. As I was watching Sex in the City last night on cable, Carrie asked one of the other girls (I don't watch this show usually so I don't remember) if she believed in love at first sight and she replied, "No, but I do believe in lust at first sight". YES!! I SO believe in lust at first sight. I'm totally in the throes of this at the moment. The minute you see a totally hot guys picture and you fall in lust and imagine the possibilities. It rarely ever works out but it can be fun!
For me, the main draw is that there are loads of Sinatra and Cake songs...and I am addicted to both. It's 1/2 in black and white and 1/2 in color and Ione Skye cracks me up. She is sarcastic and cynical and she believes that the guy of her dreams is out there and she will not settle for anything less.
"anything less than mad, passionate, extraordinary love, is a complete waste of time".
And you know what...I agree with her. Why settle for anything less? During all my dating frustrations, I remember that. I deserve it, I want it and I need it...and I will not settle for anything mediocre or lackluster just to have a "someone" in my life.
This other thought has popped into my head. Do you believe in "love at first sight"? I don't think I do. I've never fallen in love with anyone at the sight of them. It's been a slow gradual process. As I was watching Sex in the City last night on cable, Carrie asked one of the other girls (I don't watch this show usually so I don't remember) if she believed in love at first sight and she replied, "No, but I do believe in lust at first sight". YES!! I SO believe in lust at first sight. I'm totally in the throes of this at the moment. The minute you see a totally hot guys picture and you fall in lust and imagine the possibilities. It rarely ever works out but it can be fun!
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Hooking Up
OMG...did you see it?! I was at home last night...trying to watch tv, blog and look for a new job. You know, it really is harder doing all this stuff at the same time. I get easily distracted. What would normally take me 20 minutes, instead takes me like two hours. But TV is my addiction and I have to tune out the noise of the "Bimbette Sisters" somehow.
I was flipping through the channels and decided to skip my usual choice of CSI (George Eads is a hottie!) and tuned into some new reality show called "Hooking Up". Wow, too bad I don't live in New York...I could have been on live TV since that has basically been my life for the past 6+ months. It was hysterical! Some of the guys were bizarre and the girls...OMG!
Let's see what do I remember....Cynthia was having bad date after bad date...yea, been there, done that. But I have never had some 43 year old ex-British model show up 30 minutes late looking as old as dirt and surprising me because he had sent me a 15 year old picture. 15 year old picture people! Yea, it's great that you were a Fabio stud muffin 15 years ago but now...like today...you look as old as dirt and falsly advertised yourself. Not cool...I would have done the same thing as Cynthia. Gone to the ladies room, called a friend, begged them to call the restaurant with the excuse of an emergency and hightailed it the hell out of there! Ewww! But I do have to say I had someone send me a 10 year old picture. That person still did look relatively the same...having gracefully aged. But it's still not good...that totally rubbed me the wrong way. And then she had another date in which the guy basically told her she was "cold hearted" and asked her is "she needed some love". What?! Yea, I would have left too...I think I really did identify with this girl...maybe just a little. She WAS a bit edgy and high maintenance.
Lisa..or Jen..or Lisa. What the hell is up with this chick. You know she is smart...she's a doctor. I can understand not wanting to put a picture up considering she is a doctor and she want's some privacy but hiding the fact from guys and even more so...going by a different name is ridiculous. Her "dating" name is Jennifer but her real name is Lisa. How would you feel if you were on a date with this girl and halfway through the date she drops the "bomb" of "oh yea, I should tell you that I am really a doctor...oh and I'm really Lisa". Yea, I'd think she was a freak and hightail it out of there too. Who cares if she is smart and attractive and has a seemingly fun personality...she's a freak. Telling a guy you are a doctor and what your real first name is not going to hurt anything! I mean...seriously...with that whole approach...her clock is going to be ticking a LOT longer!
Claire...so cute! She's smart...seems to go for the edgy guy...Jason (I think)...too bad she is so totally into him and he seems into her, gets nervous about how well it's going and then dumps her via EMAIL and she's crushed. I've been on both sides of that...yes, I'm guilty of the dumping via email. Confrontation scares me...I'm a libra. The other two guys she went out with were nice but seemingly passive and the other, Hunt, was a "model/actor" who seemed more gay to me and what is up with guys going on dates in jeans and ratty tee shirts?! *sigh* I don't ask for a lot...a tee shirt is fine as long as it's like a nice ribbed one and not some faded, blah stretched out mess!
And let's not forget Amy...the gal living in New York from South Dakota who straight up told this guy that she is "looking for a husband". Now we know that in the long run, people are looking for a mate. The guy or gal that they hope to spend the rest of his or her life with. But to come right out and say it during an initial date. Ummm...a little crazy! I guess that's why she's on Paxil. Her words...not mine.
Tune in Thursdays at 9pm on ABC for some hysterical luaghs that I can, sadly, TOTALLY relate to!
I was flipping through the channels and decided to skip my usual choice of CSI (George Eads is a hottie!) and tuned into some new reality show called "Hooking Up". Wow, too bad I don't live in New York...I could have been on live TV since that has basically been my life for the past 6+ months. It was hysterical! Some of the guys were bizarre and the girls...OMG!
Let's see what do I remember....Cynthia was having bad date after bad date...yea, been there, done that. But I have never had some 43 year old ex-British model show up 30 minutes late looking as old as dirt and surprising me because he had sent me a 15 year old picture. 15 year old picture people! Yea, it's great that you were a Fabio stud muffin 15 years ago but now...like today...you look as old as dirt and falsly advertised yourself. Not cool...I would have done the same thing as Cynthia. Gone to the ladies room, called a friend, begged them to call the restaurant with the excuse of an emergency and hightailed it the hell out of there! Ewww! But I do have to say I had someone send me a 10 year old picture. That person still did look relatively the same...having gracefully aged. But it's still not good...that totally rubbed me the wrong way. And then she had another date in which the guy basically told her she was "cold hearted" and asked her is "she needed some love". What?! Yea, I would have left too...I think I really did identify with this girl...maybe just a little. She WAS a bit edgy and high maintenance.
Lisa..or Jen..or Lisa. What the hell is up with this chick. You know she is smart...she's a doctor. I can understand not wanting to put a picture up considering she is a doctor and she want's some privacy but hiding the fact from guys and even more so...going by a different name is ridiculous. Her "dating" name is Jennifer but her real name is Lisa. How would you feel if you were on a date with this girl and halfway through the date she drops the "bomb" of "oh yea, I should tell you that I am really a doctor...oh and I'm really Lisa". Yea, I'd think she was a freak and hightail it out of there too. Who cares if she is smart and attractive and has a seemingly fun personality...she's a freak. Telling a guy you are a doctor and what your real first name is not going to hurt anything! I mean...seriously...with that whole approach...her clock is going to be ticking a LOT longer!
Claire...so cute! She's smart...seems to go for the edgy guy...Jason (I think)...too bad she is so totally into him and he seems into her, gets nervous about how well it's going and then dumps her via EMAIL and she's crushed. I've been on both sides of that...yes, I'm guilty of the dumping via email. Confrontation scares me...I'm a libra. The other two guys she went out with were nice but seemingly passive and the other, Hunt, was a "model/actor" who seemed more gay to me and what is up with guys going on dates in jeans and ratty tee shirts?! *sigh* I don't ask for a lot...a tee shirt is fine as long as it's like a nice ribbed one and not some faded, blah stretched out mess!
And let's not forget Amy...the gal living in New York from South Dakota who straight up told this guy that she is "looking for a husband". Now we know that in the long run, people are looking for a mate. The guy or gal that they hope to spend the rest of his or her life with. But to come right out and say it during an initial date. Ummm...a little crazy! I guess that's why she's on Paxil. Her words...not mine.
Tune in Thursdays at 9pm on ABC for some hysterical luaghs that I can, sadly, TOTALLY relate to!
Excuse Me?!
What did you just say to me?! Yea, I don't think so.
So the background...
I must confess that I was giving one of the guys I had previously dated a second chance. I won't say who because I don't want to get yelled at by some of my friends (you know who you are!!) by being so incredibly stupid yet hopeful. It has to do with that whole "coupling" shit. I've been brainwashed. Whatever...come up with whatever excuse you want and we'll go with that.
Anyways, after or at the same time as the V#3 distancing, this guy contacted me and I agreed to meet up again to catch up and we had a fabulous date. Lots of conversation and laughs...probably due to the 5 gallons of sangria we both drank. Gawd, I love sangria! Anyways, after much guilting on his part to see me before I left for tropical Nicaragua, I saw him play (huge hint here!) at a local cafe and we went to dinner. I was cranky for a good portion of the date since I worked 10+ hours that day with no lunch break and had to take the train to see him play. I admit I did want to see him but considering my work load, the fact that I hadn't even packed and was leaving in two days and I was basically stressed, tired and freaking out. Not ideal circumstances for me to be dating. Lesson learned...but he guilted me into it so it's his own damn fault.
Now I was hesitant in even seeing where things might go the first time around because I am picky and there are few things I will put up with. I will NOT put up with constant calling, guilting, smothering and the want or need to be with me 24/7. I have been out of a relationship for over 5 years now and have gotten pretty used to being independant, strong willed, blunt and opinionated. Because of this, I now tend to attract needy, clingy guys who want to be taken care of. Yea, I don't THINK so! Despite me being independant and all that, I would like to be taken care of but have established that I don't need a guy around to do that. But it would be nice to have a guy around for the times I have to drag a 50 pound suitcase or one of those 35 count water bottle packets from Costco up two flights of stairs. I can do it...but I'm pretty winded and tired after that! Anyways, this guy is clingy and needy and honestly, sometimes acts more like a girl than me. I am the GIRL not HIM! That really should have been the clue I listened to. *sigh*
Anyways, while on my vacation, I emailed said guy twice...the second time being the day before I left to come back home. I emailed him on Monday and I came back VERY, VERY early on Tuesday. I basically told him that I brought back a couple of things for him that I thought he would appreciate and that I would call him when I had a chance but it probably wouldn't be Tuesday...the day I got back.
I got in on Tuesday at 1230am, my dad was nice enough to wake up up at 7 in the frickin morning on the only day I got to sleep in and then at 11am...said guy called. Ummm...didn't I say that I would call him?! Why don't guys listen? I had plans with my old neighbor, Kel (hi!) and when we got back, I went grocery shopping and came back to my parent's house where I had crashed for the night. Their place is closer to the airport than mine. Anyways, said guy calls me AGAIN at 5pm and I call him back soon after. He starts in about how he's missed me and when will he see me and then tells me he'll call me back...which he does, about an hour later.
During this phone call...there was a lot of guilt tripping and frustration. He wanted to see me and I kept telling him I couldn't. Hmmm...let's see why. I JUST got back(that same day...helloww!) from a 10 day vacation out of the country...I was still at my parents and had to do errands and pay bills and basically keep two households afloat AND I hadn't even made it HOME yet!! Dude, I haven't stepped foot in my apartment, haven't slept in my own bed for days and frankly, was pretty cranky of suffering days of mosquito bites and heat rash (more details on this coming). I HAD TOLD HIM that I wouldn't be available that day...that I would call HIM and we'd figure things out then! I hate, HATE it when I am not listened to because so many people don't and if I expect anything at all, I expect that my friends (true ones at least) and the guy I am dating, listen to what I am saying and take it to heart. If I say I will call, I will and if I say I can't do something, I can't. It's pretty simple people....really....simple. Not complicated at all. SIMPLE!
So I go off on a mini rant to said guy and tell him I said in my email that I would be busy and he responds to me by saying "I can act cool too. I tell him, "you can act however you want". Have I been acting "cool"? Yes. Why? Because of all the aforementioned neediness, clinginess, constant calling, guilt tripping and basically driving me frigging nuts because starting a relationship with someone shouldn't be that hard. I had sensed it before and stupidly went in to another attempt thinking it would be different and maybe me having distanced myself before made him realize that he was being just a tad intense. Umm...obviously not!
He continues with the wanting to see me and I have to repeat that I am busy, just got in that morning, stayed at my parents, hadn't even been home yet and had errands to run still...and he says, "so THAT'S why you're being so BITCHY". *stunned silence* What?! I say, "I can't believe you just said that to me!" *more silence* and then I tell him, "I think I'd better go now". His response was, "thanks for the call" and I reminded him that "you called me". And his response to THAT was, "oh, I meant, thanks for calling me earlier." Ummm...can we say IDIOT!!
After I hung up, I was surprised that I didn't go off on him because I can't remember the time any guy has ever insinuated I was being or am a bitch. Cranky...yes. Reserved....yes. But a bitch...completely uncalled for. I packed up my stuff, loaded up the car and headed home when my phone rings again. It's him...calling to apologize. All I can say is that I don't understand why he has to see me today and that I will call him later because at this point...I'm over it. I am ticked off, insulted and don't want to get into it with him when I am driving.
I haven't called or emailed him. I think he knows that he crossed the line and if he is calling me a bitch after 4 dates and sporadic conversation over the course of the last two months, what will keep him from doing it again? From insulting me because he isn't getting his way. I may be a forgiving person but I am not stupid. I guess after some reflection, my two friends were originally right (no gloating allowed, 'k). I feel like I need closure in this situation but I cannot bring myself to contact him. To tell him that despite apologizing, I can't do it anymore. I cannot conform to what he wants and he will not allow me to be...me. We obviously want and expect different things out of a relationship. He: someone available to him 24/7. Me: someone to spend some time with, talk to once in a while but also to be able to spend nights by myself or with friends. I value myself, my independance and my values too much to compromise or lose myself to the whims of someone else.
So the background...
I must confess that I was giving one of the guys I had previously dated a second chance. I won't say who because I don't want to get yelled at by some of my friends (you know who you are!!) by being so incredibly stupid yet hopeful. It has to do with that whole "coupling" shit. I've been brainwashed. Whatever...come up with whatever excuse you want and we'll go with that.
Anyways, after or at the same time as the V#3 distancing, this guy contacted me and I agreed to meet up again to catch up and we had a fabulous date. Lots of conversation and laughs...probably due to the 5 gallons of sangria we both drank. Gawd, I love sangria! Anyways, after much guilting on his part to see me before I left for tropical Nicaragua, I saw him play (huge hint here!) at a local cafe and we went to dinner. I was cranky for a good portion of the date since I worked 10+ hours that day with no lunch break and had to take the train to see him play. I admit I did want to see him but considering my work load, the fact that I hadn't even packed and was leaving in two days and I was basically stressed, tired and freaking out. Not ideal circumstances for me to be dating. Lesson learned...but he guilted me into it so it's his own damn fault.
Now I was hesitant in even seeing where things might go the first time around because I am picky and there are few things I will put up with. I will NOT put up with constant calling, guilting, smothering and the want or need to be with me 24/7. I have been out of a relationship for over 5 years now and have gotten pretty used to being independant, strong willed, blunt and opinionated. Because of this, I now tend to attract needy, clingy guys who want to be taken care of. Yea, I don't THINK so! Despite me being independant and all that, I would like to be taken care of but have established that I don't need a guy around to do that. But it would be nice to have a guy around for the times I have to drag a 50 pound suitcase or one of those 35 count water bottle packets from Costco up two flights of stairs. I can do it...but I'm pretty winded and tired after that! Anyways, this guy is clingy and needy and honestly, sometimes acts more like a girl than me. I am the GIRL not HIM! That really should have been the clue I listened to. *sigh*
Anyways, while on my vacation, I emailed said guy twice...the second time being the day before I left to come back home. I emailed him on Monday and I came back VERY, VERY early on Tuesday. I basically told him that I brought back a couple of things for him that I thought he would appreciate and that I would call him when I had a chance but it probably wouldn't be Tuesday...the day I got back.
I got in on Tuesday at 1230am, my dad was nice enough to wake up up at 7 in the frickin morning on the only day I got to sleep in and then at 11am...said guy called. Ummm...didn't I say that I would call him?! Why don't guys listen? I had plans with my old neighbor, Kel (hi!) and when we got back, I went grocery shopping and came back to my parent's house where I had crashed for the night. Their place is closer to the airport than mine. Anyways, said guy calls me AGAIN at 5pm and I call him back soon after. He starts in about how he's missed me and when will he see me and then tells me he'll call me back...which he does, about an hour later.
During this phone call...there was a lot of guilt tripping and frustration. He wanted to see me and I kept telling him I couldn't. Hmmm...let's see why. I JUST got back(that same day...helloww!) from a 10 day vacation out of the country...I was still at my parents and had to do errands and pay bills and basically keep two households afloat AND I hadn't even made it HOME yet!! Dude, I haven't stepped foot in my apartment, haven't slept in my own bed for days and frankly, was pretty cranky of suffering days of mosquito bites and heat rash (more details on this coming). I HAD TOLD HIM that I wouldn't be available that day...that I would call HIM and we'd figure things out then! I hate, HATE it when I am not listened to because so many people don't and if I expect anything at all, I expect that my friends (true ones at least) and the guy I am dating, listen to what I am saying and take it to heart. If I say I will call, I will and if I say I can't do something, I can't. It's pretty simple people....really....simple. Not complicated at all. SIMPLE!
So I go off on a mini rant to said guy and tell him I said in my email that I would be busy and he responds to me by saying "I can act cool too. I tell him, "you can act however you want". Have I been acting "cool"? Yes. Why? Because of all the aforementioned neediness, clinginess, constant calling, guilt tripping and basically driving me frigging nuts because starting a relationship with someone shouldn't be that hard. I had sensed it before and stupidly went in to another attempt thinking it would be different and maybe me having distanced myself before made him realize that he was being just a tad intense. Umm...obviously not!
He continues with the wanting to see me and I have to repeat that I am busy, just got in that morning, stayed at my parents, hadn't even been home yet and had errands to run still...and he says, "so THAT'S why you're being so BITCHY". *stunned silence* What?! I say, "I can't believe you just said that to me!" *more silence* and then I tell him, "I think I'd better go now". His response was, "thanks for the call" and I reminded him that "you called me". And his response to THAT was, "oh, I meant, thanks for calling me earlier." Ummm...can we say IDIOT!!
After I hung up, I was surprised that I didn't go off on him because I can't remember the time any guy has ever insinuated I was being or am a bitch. Cranky...yes. Reserved....yes. But a bitch...completely uncalled for. I packed up my stuff, loaded up the car and headed home when my phone rings again. It's him...calling to apologize. All I can say is that I don't understand why he has to see me today and that I will call him later because at this point...I'm over it. I am ticked off, insulted and don't want to get into it with him when I am driving.
I haven't called or emailed him. I think he knows that he crossed the line and if he is calling me a bitch after 4 dates and sporadic conversation over the course of the last two months, what will keep him from doing it again? From insulting me because he isn't getting his way. I may be a forgiving person but I am not stupid. I guess after some reflection, my two friends were originally right (no gloating allowed, 'k). I feel like I need closure in this situation but I cannot bring myself to contact him. To tell him that despite apologizing, I can't do it anymore. I cannot conform to what he wants and he will not allow me to be...me. We obviously want and expect different things out of a relationship. He: someone available to him 24/7. Me: someone to spend some time with, talk to once in a while but also to be able to spend nights by myself or with friends. I value myself, my independance and my values too much to compromise or lose myself to the whims of someone else.
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